Relationship What Is And What Is Not Appropriate To Say To Someone Who Self Harms?

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Be supportive, encourage that you'd rather she doesn't but if she does that's ok, you'd rather her be honest if she feels able to so that she doesn't feel the need to. Leave her in control of the situation and give her as much room as possible to choose the best thing to do. All pressure to achieve something or be something will likely make her harm herself. If there is anything that can be done to resolve the bullying that will be important, but be careful that in the process you don't make her a target to other students, discussing this with teachers at her school away from the main classes or by written letter to say the head-teacher/principle don't make it a massive thing. Encourage her to be with her friends and engage in positive social activities, but don't force it, she might not feel safe - A film at home might be more her thing that going to the cinema for example, but it could equally be the other way round.

As I said before, she has to be the one to want to stop, if you pressure her to stop or show disappointment, she'll only hide it from you and whilst that might be easier on the mind for you for now, it brews a far bigger storm in the long run. Offer seeing a counsellor if you can afford it, but don't force it, if there's any way you can let her be the one to suggest it, say by telling her you'd like it if she could confide in someone, and if that isn't a friend or family member, is there someone she'd rather?

Be supportive, try to build her self-confidence but not too strongly and most of all encourage her to be open about anything she chooses, that you won't judge her or hold it against her and she won't be in trouble. I suppose I should say that in all of this is if she is really against you telling the school to try and resolve this, you'll need to work with her to find a solution, or if you must tell the school make sure that she has another family member who she trusts who didn't tell them, to make sure that she still feels safe with one person.

I would really try to guarantee that the bullying is the cause and resolve it. I'd just like to say however that one of the biggest reasons I've read that people self-harm especially in their teen years is because of perceived pressure to achieve well academically from parents, I'm not pointing any fingers here, I just want to make sure that that's considered too in case that's a contributing factor.

Good luck.

 

[dimplesg520]

When I used to cut myself in my younger years, it was because my emotions were so intense and I felt so out of control that I needed it to .. calm down, I guess. Something would happen and I would just get so upset and all these thoughts racing through my head, feel so out of control and not know what i would do next... Kind of when you have so much going on in your head, all you can do is just sit and stare into space because you can't focus on anything else? That's how I used to feel and instead of doing something truly harmful, like go get in my car and drive around recklessly, I would cut myself and would immediately feel better. Right away, I would feel calm again and more content, waaaay less stressed out and able to function normally again. That's why I did it.

Nothing anyone said really could help me, mostly because I kept it hidden from most people I knew because I was ashamed. It's not something I liked doing, but it was necessary for me. There was no way I could ever call someone to talk about it instead of doing it, because I was ashamed and also because I had no idea how to put what I was feeling into adequate words to release it from my body in the same capacity that cutting myself released it for me. What did help was that a few friends that knew, they didn't talk about it with me, they were just there for me. They didn't get all up in my face if they saw the scars, they just gave me a silent hug or sat with me quietly for a while. They supported me without making me talk about it, and that truly made a difference. That way, I felt like if I wanted to stop, if I wanted to talk to someone, I really felt comfortable opening up to them, because they didn't push me about it or make me feel guilty (even unintentionally, it's really a fine line to walk with those who self-harm between talking about it and then interpreting what you say as attacking them or embarrassing them). So I guess that's all the advice I have -- support her in a solid way so that she knows you're there for her if and when she wants to talk to you, but don't push her about it.