Sex in marriage, who's on top, who gets to say no about what?

[anonymous]

I would like this discussion to be free of political correctness which by design stifles open honest, debate. Just say it. Please don't post if you want to argue about political correctness, start another thread. This thread is about the war between the sexes and "all's fair in love and war." Please have a sense of humor! Although I really want a serious discussion about this I've learned to laugh again and I say a lot of things tongue and cheek. If I make my wife laugh I have a much better chance of 'getting with her' than if I make her cry.

I want sex about twice as much as my wife but she is the dominant partner. I was sexually abused and I am not typically male whatever that means. I'm not going to try and explain that completely because I don't completely understand it myself but I am feminine in a lot of ways most notably, I'm submissive as in "dominance and submission."

So, who gets to say no about what and when and why? My wife determines the "sex schedule" and everything else though she denies it. I am a faux husband. I present male so my primary function, or one of them, "keeping the other men away" works fine, we live in a civil society and everyone plays by the rules mostly. She pushes me forward when she needs me for a front but behind the scene I'm her slave.

I love being her slave though! I am so happy to have a female dom and not a male ewww. In the words of a really good old dyke friend of mine "they are so gross, do you know what they do to each other?" Yes sadly and though "I am not now nor have I ever been" gay I certainly thought I might be. In fact I was horrified about that yet in my early life I sought them out and I lived amongst them for a time, always as a straight person though. I know now this 'feeling you might be gay' was from sexual abuse and though I am making light, I paid nearly with my life to say this out loud. I'd say I was 'a gay woman with a male appendage if anything but I digress.

The problems arise in decision making like when are we going to have sex? It's more complicated but right now I'm in bed pouting and not getting up because she said 'no' this morning.

 

[anonymous]

Is this heterosexuals only?

 

[anonymous]

No please everyone! : )

 

[anonymous]

I'm so glad you said that you know I thought about making it "married people only" and stuff or hetero married people only but you know what? I KNOW this is NOT gender specific nor is it hetero specific. I loved the first Anne Rice book 'the interview with the vampire.' Without quoting it directly there is a scene in it where the Boss vampire at the theater asks them where their vampire master is. Are we all masters and slaves to some extent? He said vampires are never free there is always a slave and a master. Is that how we are?

 

[grimalkin]

In all honesty, I think it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, as long as everyone is a consenting adult and having fun and/or being fulfilled. If your slave/Master relationship works for you, great! But it sounds like you might not be as fulfilled you would like to be, and are questioning your role.

Which means it's time to communicate with your partner! :)

In my own marriage, we had compatibility issues - I have a MUCH higher libido than he, but he is very much dominant. I didn't know he had PTSD (I was the supporter - sorry if I'm intruding, but sex is a fun topic for me, and I wish nothing but happy, healthy sexuality, whatever that means for people, for everyone), nor about the accompanying sexuality issues that can go with it, so I just felt rejected pretty regularly. He claimed I was able to "start things" with him, but...no. It was definitely on his terms and his schedule, with me RARELY being able to get him interested...and even if I could, it was still on his terms. He has real issues with touch and sex, and how it's "supposed" to be. Me? I don't believe there is a "right" or "wrong" way, so long as it's consensual, preferably enthusiastically so, and I'm all about figuring out what gets the other person hot. He admitted to thinking I was a pervert, so that was not fun.

I think he would have preferred a slave/Master relationship (with him as the Master), to be honest, and while I can roleplay, I'm not really into the "lifestyle," and even when I am, I can be submissive OR dominant, depending on the situation. Regardless, we were NOT sexually compatible.

 

[anonymous]

"I am so happy to have a female dom and not a male ewww. In the words of a really good old dyke friend of mine "they are so gross, do you know what they do to each other?" Yes sadly and though "I am not now nor have I ever been" gay I certainly thought I might be. In fact I was horrified about that yet inmy early life I sought them out and I lived amongst them for a time,"

Are you describing male on male sex as "ewwww"?

Your "dyke" friend asked what they do to each other? And described it as "so gross"?

I think this thread lost all hope of being constructive when you started bashing the sexual preferences (or perpetuating the bashing of sexual preferences) of gay men.

It makes me sad to see this kind of post on the forum. Yes we are all free to express ourselves, but bashing sexual preferences of the non-heterosexual gay male population just doesn't sit well with me.

 

[anonymous]

It makes me sad that nobody can say anything you don't like without your censorship. You are saying we are all free to express ourselves unless you disagree. You think you can dictate how people feel. I wrote in the warning not to read it if you were going to do that but you don't let that stop you. I'm just not going to let anyone do that to me anymore. I'll say what I want.

 

[Nessa7]

I think a sense of humor is great. Personally, I prefer to make light about things that affect me rather than other people, but I think humor can be a really helpful way to talk about and deal with difficult things. In this case, the parts I think are supposed to be jokes left me with no idea what your actual problem is. Are we supposed to be unpacking your issues with gay men? I can see ways to tie that into your issue with gender roles in your marriage, but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to. I can't tell what you want from us.

 

[anonymous]

I want nothing from you (whoever you are referring to as us) and I don't have any issues with gay men. (some of my best friends are gay men) If you read the warning in the beginning I said "I'm am going to say controversial triggering things and if you are going go PC please don't read it." I suppose I could say that if you don't understand it (which you said you don't) please don't comment is implied as well but whatever. It may not work, it was not intended to work for everyone. Still I appreciate the opportunity presented me here to say something like that, which I really never said out loud before (and may never again lol) I knew what it was when I posted it and what might happen. If people only reply that find it offensive I'll let it go and try again another time.

 

[Rumors]

"I am so happy to have a female dom and not a male ewww. In the words of a really good old dyke frien...

Agreed... I was out after that comment and I am not even gay but would be slightly offended by "ewww" My guess is that being gay is on your mind far more than you express here and are diverting it by saying "ewww." Get honest with yourself guy... good luck.

 

[Friday]

So, who gets to say no about what and when and why?

Anyone, about anything, whenever. That's how consent works.

 

[anonymous]

Agreed... I was out after that comment and I am not even gay but would be slightly offended by "ewww" My...

Nah that's typical nonsense. Your comments ARE offensive however and like I said read the warning again before you attack me but that'd be lost on you wouldn't it?