Help Separating From The Abuser

[intrasearching]

Hello,

I have PTSD from being abused as a child by my adoptive mother. Lately I have found it more difficult to dissociate from my symptoms and maintain a strong, resilient facade. I have been having more flashbacks, more sadness, more anxiety, and have generally been more emotionally sensitive than is typical for me. I have also been having crying spells, usually brought on by the flashbacks of different things my adoptive mother did to me.

Today I am faced with the complicated task of asserting my right to heal and be an autonomous individual (for the sake of that healing process, among other things). My adoptive mother has taken on a more positive, nurturing demeanor since I left home two and a half years ago. Yesterday I called home and opened up to my adoptive father about my struggles with PTSD (he already knew I was diagnosed but misunderstood why) and how it stems from the abuse actuated by his wife. I began to cry on the phone and had to speak through sobs. He was fully supportive of me, but when asked suggested that until further notice I attempt to maintain a facade similar to the one I have presenting. This would not be incredibly difficult if not for the fact that I am scheduled to travel home for spring break. I am highly apprehensive about having to interact with my adoptive mother. I am in such a fragile state right now, and apart from that my feelings towards her are so confused as it is, in that I rationally appreciate (and ought to) the support she has shown me in the last few years especially, while I hold all of this baggage over the things that happened.

I hope that is not too wordy. It's a complicated issue, the gist of which being that I need help knowing how to deal with my adoptive mother now that I am ready to begin an active journey towards healing my PTSD.

Thank you very much.

 

[ms spock]

What does your psychriatrist or your psychologist suggest?

 

[intrasearching]

The last time I saw him this had not yet happened so he never explicitly made a statement about how I should maintain that relationship with my adoptive mother. I can ask him next Monday. Until then, I suppose I will have to tread lightly and continue to consult my adoptive father as he is available... In the interim, nights (and days) are pretty lonely and painful. I have been reading plenty about the traditional therapies employed in the amelioration of PTSD. However, I have read little about how to manage the symptoms in real time. I suppose then it would serve me best to seek out such sources of information.

 

[ms spock]

Do you feel a sense of yourself?

Are you able to ground yourself?

Can you delay going back there?

 

[safenow]

May I ask why you feel it is necessary to enter into the home of the person who abused you?

Before I cut ties with my family completely, I would occasionally go "home". I'd go home after and fall apart. Even though there were some family members (cousins) who knew and cared, I was the "bad" one in that I tried to stop what was going on with all my foster brothers and sisters.

I do hope you can get the answers you seek.

Good luck.

 

[ms spock]

Yesterday I called home and opened up to my adoptive father about my struggles with PTSD (he already knew I was diagnosed but misunderstood why) and how it stems from the abuse actuated by his wife. I began to cry on the phone and had to speak through sobs. He was fully supportive of me, but when asked suggested that until further notice I attempt to maintain a facade similar to the one I have presenting. This would not be incredibly difficult if not for the fact that I am scheduled to travel home for spring break. I am highly apprehensive about having to interact with my adoptive mother.

I am confused - why is your adoptive father suggesting you put on a facade? Who does that help? Does it protect your adoptive mother? Does it mean he doesn't have to deal with the fact he didn't protect you? You might want to get independent advice?

 

[jeeps for now]

My counselor once suggested that I "act like nothing ever happened". In my experiences, facades do not work in these situations where you are in the process of recovering from abuse. Period. The abuser always has the most emotional power. There is probably nothing you can sit down and talk over with her either, unless she were to admit knowing her own mistakes first. Does she think 'nothing ever happened' ? Probably.

It seems as though your father in law senses a lot of this already. That's why he is sympathetic towards you.
I wouldn't go back, until your have more armor to wear.

 

[jeeps for now]

Sorry, I meant adoptive father, not father in law.

 

[99Phoenix99]

I'm not sure I can offer too much help, but I was thinking if you have to go home for spring break is there anyway you can make a contingency plan? That way if things get overwhelming you KNOW there's a way out? That way you won't get the feeling of being trapped?

It could be staying at a relatives house or a friend's house?

I know it's not much but I hope this at least gives you another option. Giving and making yourself options, in my opinion, is the safest and most relieving feeling.

 

[intrasearching]

Thank you all for the replies! That is very encouraging!

I unfortunately have already purchased the tickets to fly there and would be remiss to skip going home because there are several other people that I am very much looking forward to visiting. It would just be nice if I had a place I knew I could sleep at every night that was not home. I might be able to get a few nights at my best friend's place and at least one at my aunt and uncle's place.

I am toying with the idea of talking to my adoptive mother about what I have been experiencing and telling her that I need to individuate myself to aid the process of my healing -- that I am not longer obligated to her out of family bond and that the relationship is on an as-I-can-handle-it basis. As I mentioned, I told my adoptive father (some of) what happened, and he said he was going to get consult a therapist to figure out what to do next. I think his intention with asking me to "maintain my facade" was to prevent an uproar that could not be properly handled at the time. My brother and sister are both having their issues as well (my brother is recently bipolar and is being flown to Colorado for a wellness retreat for bipolar youths of some sort).

I can sympathize with his intention but yes, when I am feeling especially fragile and run down by flashbacks etc. it can be hard to hear that I should keep pretending to be OK. It is in my nature to want to make myself small and not cause a ruckus so it is doubly harder to disagree with him there.

I suppose my best plan thus far is to be honest, and if I feel strong enough, courageous enough, I will tell my adoptive mother exactly what is going on with me and why (in a non-confrontational tone).

 

[ms spock]

Be careful - what if she attacks you after you talk to her? Perhaps leave it until the last day?

 

[intrasearching]

Be careful - what if she attacks you after you talk to her? Perhaps leave it until the last day?

Good idea. I actually had a nightmare about that very thing last night.