First of all, thank you so much for putting all this down @A concerned spouse. These are wise and very helpful thoughts and I have a lot to learn in this department. In my own recovery from past betrayals, I do sometimes land on the comforting realization that even IF he were up to something, I'd be okay and able to handle it. It creates a peace of mind to let whatever happens happen.
Our stories are similar in that my SO seems to have some sort of thing about his phone and electronics. He guards his phone like a hawk. Even though I know that secretiveness is part of his MO, and that what he's trying to keep under wraps on his phone may have nothing to do with me and us (e.g. searches on his condition or messages with doctors,) it's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that what he's doing on there is entirely nonthreatening and harmless. I was raised to believe that, generally speaking, whatever we have to do in secret is wrong. It's difficult for me read his secretiveness any other way, but maybe I'm very off track here.
I admire your strength to quit the checking and sneaking. You're right, mistrust and insecurity aren't the sexiest attributed. However, I do balk at the fact that my insecurity would be cause and reason for him to be even more secretive. If anything, I'd want him to be able to stand up for himself, be who he is, and let my insecurity be my problem. If he's in touch with other people, well, stand up for yourself and let me handle my own feelings about it. I dislike him taking that choice and agency from me, which secretiveness inevitably does. But maybe that's too much to ask.
Where our stories diverge is that he has given me reason to be mistrustful. In the beginning of our relationship we had a situation where he downright lied to me about going out with another woman. To this day he claims it was non-sexual and that he lied to keep me from getting the wrong impression. I eventually believed him, by suffice it to say, I've been on alter ever since. It seems odd to me to hide something that is truly harmless.
So while I can pull myself together, build my confidence and strength, I also don't want to be naive (and that may be my own past speaking.) You said that you'd find out if he did something that truly crossed the line, and deal with it then. I'm not sure I'd ever find out is the problem.
Our stories are similar in that my SO seems to have some sort of thing about his phone and electronics. He guards his phone like a hawk. Even though I know that secretiveness is part of his MO, and that what he's trying to keep under wraps on his phone may have nothing to do with me and us (e.g. searches on his condition or messages with doctors,) it's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that what he's doing on there is entirely nonthreatening and harmless. I was raised to believe that, generally speaking, whatever we have to do in secret is wrong. It's difficult for me read his secretiveness any other way, but maybe I'm very off track here.
I admire your strength to quit the checking and sneaking. You're right, mistrust and insecurity aren't the sexiest attributed. However, I do balk at the fact that my insecurity would be cause and reason for him to be even more secretive. If anything, I'd want him to be able to stand up for himself, be who he is, and let my insecurity be my problem. If he's in touch with other people, well, stand up for yourself and let me handle my own feelings about it. I dislike him taking that choice and agency from me, which secretiveness inevitably does. But maybe that's too much to ask.
Where our stories diverge is that he has given me reason to be mistrustful. In the beginning of our relationship we had a situation where he downright lied to me about going out with another woman. To this day he claims it was non-sexual and that he lied to keep me from getting the wrong impression. I eventually believed him, by suffice it to say, I've been on alter ever since. It seems odd to me to hide something that is truly harmless.
So while I can pull myself together, build my confidence and strength, I also don't want to be naive (and that may be my own past speaking.) You said that you'd find out if he did something that truly crossed the line, and deal with it then. I'm not sure I'd ever find out is the problem.
