Help! Weird Symptom At A Weird Time.

[greenbrier]

I'm really, really confused. I am in a committed married relationship. I have previously had horrible difficulties with sex with my husband due to pain. I have never actually had sex without the pain as the rape was my second sexual encounter. After my daughter I fled from sex because I feared the pain and the feelings of disgust/ memories. Went for 4 years before my husband and I landed in marital counseling.
To make a long story short I have had a huge, sudden increase in flashbacks, dissassociation, cutting, self-medication. It's not good.
Weird thing is that now I am not afraid of sex or the pain or the memories. It's all still there. It is almost like I'm seeking them out. My husband is the happiest man on earth because of my behavior and he's so "unaffected" by me that either he doesn't notice or doesn't care.
What is wrong with me? It's almost like who/ what I became after the rape. All I felt then and now is disgust for the man I am with and hatred for myself.
Does anyone know what I am talking about or am I losing it?

 

[Res]

I understand what you are talking about. This is just another step of progress in healing from the trauma. You've got to be strong and make it through this. And you should tell your husband how you are feeling. Some people aren't good at reading others. They want to help, but don't realize that something's wrong. So you've got to communicate with him.