Help! Workaholic Husband Is Spiraling Down

[cupfish]

My husband is a workaholic. We have zero social life. He justifies his working all the time as him being the guy you can count on, the guy who solves problems, blah blah. It's pretty clear that his reliance on work as the ONLY meaningful way to spend time is a coping mechanism.

Both of us have PTSD. He has never seen a T, never gone to doctor, never taken meds, and WON'T. Sign of weakness, taking a prescription. He's a "tough guy."

Unfortunately I am also learning that I enable his "workaholism." This is probable because I am made to feel foolish for liking vacations, weekend jaunts, restaurants, family get-togethers, et al. As a result I have largely stopped many of these fun and normal leisure activities myself and it stinks! Husband says I am free to pursue whatever social life I desire, but I don't feel that way -- he's pretty superior in his attitude.

Last night he was unable to have a lighthearted conversation that interested me because I couldn't justify first to him why this topic was worth his time. Screw you.

Sadly his use of time is increasingly inefficient. He obsessively overthinks his efforts, gets bogged down analyzing the best way to tackle a task when it could be hacked through in a few minutes.

We are in the middle of relocating to SC, a long process getting this house ready for sale, building a new home. Workaholism dictates he controls every single effort and it's miserable. Our new home and new life is so exciting to me, I have waited a lifetime for this. He's ruining it already, and we are months from even breaking ground.

I don't want divorce, I don't want my lifelong dream of living near the beach hijacked by his need for control, and he is starting to tune me out. HELP. This feels like a really rocky place that is dangerous to our relationship.

 

[watundah]

This is a tough place for you because there is no sign of change. Workaholism is an avoidant behavior and goodness knows he isn't willing to slow down and feel something. You don't want a divorce and he doesn't think he has a problem so you're at an impasse. It sounds to me as though your only option is to live your life the way you want and leave him to live his. I assume he doesn't ask much from you as his head is always at work. If you reach a limit and want to leave him, do you think he would go to couples counseling? It sounds like a not so fulfilling relationship, so I hope you have a strong support system.

Also, do you really "need" him? Can you move to the beach and begin a life of your own? Just a thought. It bothers me when women feel trapped.

 

[GrayOwl]

I'm not a therapist. If you've seen one, have you discussed these feelings with him?
You seem very concise in your understanding of the situation and your feelings. That should help.
One of our biggest hold backs is FEAR. What if? What if?
Can you accept the answers that you might come up with?
Like...... he really is a jerk and you'd like an upgrade?
Sorry.... I'm unusually blunt here because the man you describe is, or WAS, me.
Did things change? Did I?
I got old. (Older, shall we say.) I slowed down.
I got tired of that life. And when I looked around I saw a beautiful person that I had ignored for many years.
I decided to start making changes to be a better partner - after 30 some years - of work work work and control.
What could she have done differently? Probably nothing.
I was a selfish, self centered, center of the universe workaholic and I probably wouldn't have listened to anyone or much of anything.
And if I had I doubt that I could have accepted the changes until I was ready, or enjoyed the "changes" - until I was good and ready.
If any of you here on this site, even those that know me - want to attack me for having been a jerk - go ahead! I deserve it and I know it.
A geographical cure won't change your underlying problem, just the scenery. If it's closer to family or other things you say you value - take the upgrade and wait for hubby to join you someday. Speaking for most men - they're sloooowww learners and they are stubborn.
I think you probably married him cuz he had some wonderful qualities. See if you can't coax those out. I know that if I see other people enjoying life and all the good times, I'm likely to want some of that myself. Maybe he'll want to join you. Show him (I'm sure you've tried) there's more to life than work.
Also he can take his superior attitude and shove it. You probably aren't getting what you bargained for, and there is no reason to be guilty for a balanced enjoyment of life and friends and family that he doesn't want to be a part of. Guilt tripping is bullying and has no place. Don't go there. Start back in on your life, find some positives and enjoy them, show you still support him if he ever allows an "honest" sharing of that - and stay strong in your direction and conviction. You will grow that way.
You are not abandoning him, you're leading the way to a stronger "partnership" if he wants to join - which is what a marriage really needs to be about. Don't be afraid to leave him behind some as you grow - he needs to catch up and be the "other half" of a relationship.
I'm lucky my wife stuck around. Although I feel today I owe her a lot - I want to be that partner - and it takes hard work and practice to change habits. But I do it today because I want to.
On humility..........
Of course the other day I was trying to let her know how much better I thought I was becoming. After I had my say she responded: "Don't think I keep you cuz you're really that special. It's just too hard after 40 years to retrain somebody new."
Life is much better today. And we have humor.
I hope you don't have to wait too long. I really wish you the best.
Thanks for posting. Very good subject.
Please update as things change.

 

[Friday]

So this is the way he handles his stress cup being full?

How do you handle yours being full?

How to integrate the two? <<< Building a house & Renovating a house is one of the most stressful things in ordinary life. Was a bit of a hobbiest here, and in the industry it's well known to cause divorce at least half to 2/3s of the time. These are normal non-PTSD folk, just incapable of handling the stress of it, and their marriage implodes as it takes the weight of it. Since you have 2 bits of info ahead of time (that + PTSDx2)... That's where I would suggest putting my energy; coming up with a smooth working plan for handling the massive increase of stress, and symptom management for when each (AND one or the other) of your stress cups starts overflowing.

Just because he won't do therapy doesn't make this an impossible task. I didn't do therapy, nor did any of my boyfriends who also had PTSD, but we DID come up with arrangements and strategies to deal with ourselves under pressure :) It helps, a lot, when you each know yourselves very well & can come up with reasonable solutions in advance. Reasonable not meaning sounds reasonable, reasonable meaning something that -no matter how freaking bizarre- actually works for each and both of you when it's kaboom! time.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that your husband will keep on the path that he is so hellbent to be on until something slows him down, like getting sick or older and not being able to keep up.

If I were in your shoes I would cultivate my own life and have all of the happiness that you can create for yourself so that you would drive him nuts with your smiles. Nothing to lose. It is a win win for you if you do this for yourself I think.

My husband was an alcoholic and I left him for three months and he put himself into rehab and recovery and we even had great marriage counseling and he did a one eighty change in our relationship that was very happy.

Crossing my fingers that this also happens for you.

 

[Fadeaway]

Peronally i see it as a form of cheating. Only the mistress is his job not another woman.

 

[Powder]

Peronally i see it as a form of cheating. Only the mistress is his job not another woman.

How does this opinion help? I don't like it because I don't really understand it and it seems to indicate that the person is abusing the relationship and lying about it.

In this case, he's doing the opposite. He expects her to be as driven and consumed with achievement as he is.

In his mind, he could think that's his role, that's his contribution, etc. Cheating is never a "contribution." So I just don't understand.

I agree with @Friday that building a custom house is a status symbol that exacts a high toll in stress. I gave up on even dreaming about it when I thought about the reality. I have PTSD. That is not a realistic goal for me any time soon, financially or stress-level wise.

If workaholism for the next few years is how he needs to be to cope in order to achieve a goal, then you have to think about it and talk with him directly about what you want.

It sounds like you're saying that he doesn't mind if you go away for the weekend, but he won't join you. It sounds like you feel emotionally neglected. If so, tell him. Give him the chance. He is not a mind reader, I bet. :)

 

[cupfish]

His work is his identity; big ego and low self esteem. It's the snide, superior attitude that bothers me. There are better, kinder, more positive ways to view others.

 

[Powder]

@cupfish, you always have intelligent things to say. I'm sorry this is happening in your marriage. How painful.

I hope that he is able to show you how he feels and appreciate you more and have a connection again. If not, then I hope you find it inside yourself and in healthy bonds.

 

[cupfish]

UPDATE from His/Her PTSDland: I took charge of my life, not his. Booked a college hockey game date with family and BFF in October. Organizing family vacation next year. Eyeballed to-dos at current home prior to sale, prioritized MY WAY which is far more clear-eyed than Mr Energizer Bunny 24/7/366 workerbee I love. I am still way pissed off, because his black/white world causes harm so it's not okay. I am always compassionate because I too am damaged by trauma, but I don't have to follow his lead into the weeds. It's insane in there!

 

[watundah]

:tup:yay!!!!

 

[GrayOwl]

You go girl !!
Lead the way...