Help! Workaholic Husband Is Spiraling Down

[Powder]

Good attitude. That's it. You do what you can. I'm happy for you.

 

[cupfish]

Good Morning Team Trauma! I have been pretty distant from the husband this week, and he is noticing. Since he won't get T or meds over the years I have been the one to diagnose. Right or wrong, that's what we have have. Assuming you trust my assessments he has social anxiety disorder and workaholicism due to cPTSD. I haven't told him about my research into the impacts of rejecting leisure and working all the time, but it's not a pretty message. To maintain his public face, avoid shame and blame, he works constantly. As a result he has become snide about others taking vacations, hobbies, time off, a sick day. Insufferable attitude mostly. To support his coping mechanism -- constant work -- he has narcissistic traits, control issues, battles depression, and evaluates others way too harshly. Today I resent that I have to deliver this message. Yes he has healed and evolved significantly, but asking for wife to be T is a heavy lift. Advice?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Take the best care of you that is possible. Go ahead and make your plans without him to have relaxation, socialization and having some fun. i understand how difficult he is being right now and how wearing this is on you. Too much negativity for you I think and you are just good the way you are and it seems you have a pretty clear idea of what you are up against.

Go ahead and treat yourself and have pajama days or whatever makes you feel good. He has to hit bottom I think before he will be motivated to change. I dragged my husband behind for a long time until he hit bottom and was motivated to change. There are no guarantees but you go ahead and create a fulfilling life for yourself anyways, I know easier said than done, but it is doable.:hug:

 

[cupfish]

He has to hit bottom I think before he will be motivated to change

Smart Gizmo. Probably. I have no idea what that looks like but it will entail multiple triggers and unhealthy thinking on his part. But it's NOT MY TRIGGER. I have my own, and this behavior of his has the potential to trigger me to the MOON

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I totally understand. It did with me as well. Hang in there and just keep on taking care of you and I really believe in taking time outs.

 

[cupfish]

Thankfully my work is very self-directed because this week has been a lost cause. So should I inform him about my research on workaholism or not? Let him twist in the wind and figure it out for himself, or loop him into my findings? What's the right thing to do? Give of myself or not?

 

[GrayOwl]

For what it may be worth I will offer my humble opinion.
Gizmo is correct on all counts. The man IS in denial. His system is working for HIM. He hasn't listened to much of anything anyone had said to him. He's not near a bottom.
All this wonderful support and knowledge is only support and knowledge to you. Too him it could very well be seen as a threat to his system of protection and coping mechanisms
I feel you're better off living your life. Your best option is to wait patiently and gently coach him.

"You can lead a dog to water but you can't make him drink." But you can make him thirsty.

This man has deep psychological problems and deeply ingrained addictions and coping mechanisms. Change will be slow in coming and possibly volitle as those are addressed.

I offer these observations as someone who has battled through and partially overcome these afflictions.

You ARE a special person and deserve to have a wonderful life enjoying the company of ALL those you care for.
Do that first. Maybe read up on emotional detachment. It's a hard thing to utilize, but you may need a little of that while he makes his decisions....
I hope he's smart enough to see the light. There is a good life out there. You're both lucky you see it.

 

[cupfish]

Gray Owl is Wise Owl. Gizmo has Mo Brains. I am thinking deeply. Emotional detachment is very Bhuddist; and it's hard but the only path in this case, I agree. The high road is not the easy road.