Relationship Help

[Jane1234]

I know this is a long shot but need some opinions on my situation. I married a wonderful, wonderful man with PTSD a veteran which the war is the reason for his situation. He really is a kind and great man but this relationship is struggling. I take full responsibility for not taking it on head on but I didn't understand what was going on. I do understand somewhat but when I take hold of it and set boundaries or speak how I fell it all falls apart. How do you deal with that??
Example: For the last several years my guy has always been somewhat addicted to his phone. When we go out to dinner hes always on his phone! I've always been uncomfortable with it but never said anything because I figured he would turn it around to be my problem....so I never said anything.
Well tonight I figured that was it I was going to talk about it. Usually I try to intervene at the table and ask what hes looking up not that I'm interested but feel like I'm sitting there like an idiot....so I want to look like i know whats going on. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. Tonight I told him to put his phone away it could wait. I took his phone away and said he could look things up at home....MISTAKE.
He told me I was picking on him and exaggerating. He also said he needed to know the news what if we were being attacked. I told him if we were being attacked the TV at the bar in font of us would have the news and the entire bar would be talking about it. I held it in for too long because I knew he would see it as me attacking him...I was right!! Disaster!! This is just a small example but feel so along.

 

[Deadman]

First, you are not alone. There are lots of people here who know what you are going through. If you have a specific question just ask. Otherwise I suggest reading some of the older relationships posts and articles. They have a wealth of info and they'll help you know what you need here.

And you are in no way responsible for his trauma.

 

[Justmehere]

The most effective boundaries are not about changing the other person. It's about us, and what we will and will not do. It's about our limits. It's about changing how we will respond or what we will do in response to another's choices.

Using the example you gave, you asked him to take the phone off the table. That's making a request. Not so much setting a boundary. (Then you later took his phone from him - also not setting a boundary.)

Setting a boundary would be something more like telling him, "if you choose to put the phone on the table, I'm not going to eat out with you. I need for meal times to be a time without the phone."

It could also be that you go sit at another table or something. Kind of extreme measures to take, but this is just an example.

An easier situation to give an example of what setting a boundary looks like is if someone is yelling. A lot of people ask or tell their partners to not yell. It's a good request, but not the same as setting a boundary. A boundary would be, "when you yell (the choice the other person is making), I'm not going to continue to talk to you and go to another room (what your response will be to limit your exposure to the unwanted behavior.)"

Keeping the boundary is doing what you said you would do.

Does that make sense?

 

[Parley]

wow~ I don't know how i'd respond if my husband took my phone but I'm betting someone would call the cops.

 

[Kintsugi]

JustMeHere did a really good job of elucidating the difference between a request (or plea) and setting a boundary. A different way to communicate (that I am a big fan of) that might also be helpful is illustrating the factual consequences of your emotional reaction to a behavior (as opposed to what JMH said about boundaries, which is stating how you will react in your actions to a behavior in the future). By way of example, you might say, "When you take out your phone during dinner, it feel like I'm eating alone, and it's uncomfortable."

A lot of people become defensive about this sort of wording, but there is nothing to get defensive over. Instead of saying something like, "You make me feel stupid," you're saying, "X behavior makes me feel Y." It's just explaining your perspective. I find it a helpful way to frame my feelings without accidentally attacking the other person's behavior on its face. Such communication can be combined with boundary setting: "When you do X, I feel Y, and in the future, I won't do Z with you anymore if you continue to do X."

 

[Jane1234]

Thank you all for your replies. The reason I try not to say much about different things is I known he is going to see it as an attack. I explained to him I didn't mean to get him upset its just something that I'm uncomfortable with. Finally I tried saying something and he found it as an attack......I've spoken to him about using his phone during driving also and because its a problem I drive when we go out. Everything I do in this relationship seems to be wrong. I'm not feeling sorry for myself at all just trying to figure out whats right and whats wrong. If I had to do it over again I wouldn't have brought it up at dinner. Perhaps I should have had a conversation at a later time at home. We were having a nice night and he said I attacked him and wanted to ruin it. Bad decision on my part....I'm learning. Thank you all

 

[Justmehere]

I don't think it was a bad decision to bring it up at dinner - I think you might be taking in too much of what he is telling you. It actually is better to bring it up when having a nice night and things are going well, instead of when it's already going badly. It also seems ok to bring it up at another time too - but when things are going well.

Next time, try presenting it in the way Simply Simon describes so well. It really does help someone take it in, but not an attack.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can with what you have. He needs to work on his ability to take feedback and accept someone else's limits. It's not all on you. You are not being unreasonable to want to spend time with him without him staring at his phone the whole time. :hug:

 

[Kintsugi]

You can't blame yourself for someone else feeling attacked if you were not really attacking them. If I tell someone, "When you ask how my day is and then walk away before I answer, I feel like you don't care," they may think I'm attacking their behavior or intentions, but I'm actually just stating my feelings about a behavior. If I say, "You make me feel like I don't matter," or "Why can't you pay attention to me?" I can see how it would raise some hackles.

You don't have to cow to someone just because they become defensive and feel attacked. Avoiding confrontation for the sake of putting off conflict is not a healthy way to operate in any sort of mutual relationship.

 

[Buttercup]

My ex (no PTSD) would get defensive and feel attacked no matter how I phrased things. I tried every way imaginable to no avail until I finally gave up and didn't say a word, or lash out in anger. Neither very effective!

It's true we aren't responsible and it's not our fault if they feel attacked, but it feels like crap if we can't say how we feel and if we feel like we can't make our relationship better.

Reading Simply Simon's post I thought of yet another way we could phrase it to hopefully lessen their defensive feelings.

Maybe rather than saying "when you do this, I feel this" we could say something like "when im put with someone having a nice meal, and they bring out their phone and focus on the phone, I feel ignored."

Just a thought!