Helping Him To Understand?

[adjsl323]

As a childhood rape victim, whose memory of the incident was repressed (thought to be due to the fact that I am deaf, and could not hear/see much at the time, thus causing it not to be 'stored'), I've only recently uncovered the reason behind my "blackout" of my childhood, which encompassed quite a large period of time. Unfortunately, most of these realisations have occurred during times of stress, and in particular during arguments with my boyfriend.

He's stuck by my side through so much, but the problem is he has said in the past that he is starting to have enough of the constant fights - cue me trying to seek help (prior to the revelation) and being wrongly diagnosed as depressed and receiving medication. At first, however, it seemed to do some good, but now we've started fighting again and the most recent one got completely out of hand.

My issue is that I never really understood how deeply this could have affected me. I knew it was a big deal (don't get me wrong), but my boyfriend was fantastic at supporting me throughout my time of coming to terms with the situation, and yet I still managed to cause problems by constantly having issues with him - minor, minor issues, but as I became anxious, they became a lot worse in my mind. And I just worry that I've pushed him away.

The other issue I have is with regards to wanting attention and then not. I often love spending time with him, and seek attention from him where possible, but then there are times (sometimes caused by a small incident with him) where I suddenly distance myself and do not wish to be anywhere near him, until the guilt flies in and I'm left feeling pretty helpless.

So, has anyone here got any advice? I can explain more if needed, but I think this is the general basis of it - please do ask me questions to prompt your advice, though. I'm not really used to discussing this issue...

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((lindtoholic)))))

Welcome to the forum.

May you find acceptance, support, help, and hope here.

All that you are describing is perfectly normal for PTSD.

Your healing has begun by speaking about this. Are you seeing T.?

The first step is always establishing safety.

Is there a place in your home you can go to when you need to feel safe, even if you can't figure out why? Are you safe there? Will he respect your going there as a sign you need solitude, and respect that?

You need and deserve this basic boundary.

Speak gently to yourself....

 

[adjsl323]

I've found that as long as I can hide from the issue (i.e. argument) and someone is able to calm me down, safety can be easily established. The only problem is that he doesn't necessarily know the best way to calm me down yet (nor do I, as yet), but I'm hoping my counselling sessions can help with this - which I think answers your question (at least, I think it means seeing a therapist?) since there's nothing readily available aside from counselling, but according to my current counsellor there is someone who specialises in PTSD so she can transfer me onto her once some basic areas have been covered.

Thanks :)

 

[BloomInWinter]

I had to learn the hard way that it's not my hubby's job to 'calm me down' but rather, not make the environment around me harder for me to be able to use my skills to comfort and ground myself.

Helpful: Him taking care of his needs and that of the kids by doing something quiet they enjoy. ....giving me solitude and quiet.
Not Helpful: Him wrestling the kids into laughter and screaming

Helpful: Him bringing me warm tea.
Not Helpful: Him relaying an animated blow-by-blow of the latest episode of a violent show he watched

Helpful: Him sending the kids up to showers so I can manage their bedtime from there.
Not Helpful: Forgetting to send them up until I have to come looking for them.

Helpful: Him riding his bike so he has mental clarity and peace.
Not Helpful: Him zoning out for days in front of the computer until he's so lonely and depressed HE'S not mentally healthy.

There's lots of things our loved ones do that 'up' our 'activation level'....I've learned to close my eyes when people are speaking animatedly and waving their arms or I get triggered and dizzy. He now knows to tone down that physical response.

 

[adjsl323]

That's a good point, yeah. I think one of the main problems is my triggers seem relatively minor, and my reaction even more so in comparison to some people - or at least, so far. I expect it might become worse if it gets left unchecked, but I'm hoping I've got enough planned to avoid that being a problem.

Luckily we don't have kids to worry about in this situation, but we do have (often) drunken teenagers encouraging certain topics of conversation... which I think is one problem. Maybe I could get him to focus on that.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Drunken teenagers? Around you or in your house?

I highly suggest you BAN that. The liability risk to you and your future peace of mind, livelihood, even potentially your freedom should you get in legal trouble because one of them becomes hurt...ugh.

Yes, please do get to a T. asap. Also....I hope you'll empower yourself to STOP that behavior from happening in your house.

 

[adjsl323]

Unfortunately I am a student, so I will have some drinks myself - but usually (by that I mean, in my house) it is not too rowdy and often quite relaxing. So far my blackouts and suchlike have been when it's been at another house, and then a certain topic (usually sexual abuse) gets joked about. I've noticed Arraz does his best to negate that topic, but it is something that cannot usually be quietened down easily without everyone suddenly knowing what the deal is.

I have coped well enough with drunken goings on for a while though, and whilst I don't depend on alcohol for peace of mind, it's a nice thought to know I can unwind with people I am friends with. Some people do take it too far, though!

 

[BloomInWinter]

I just celebrated 21 years sober. I know where you are....because I've been there. I'm so grateful I don't live that life anymore. Most of my drinking buddies from those days are dead, seriously impaired, or in prison. I'm one of the lucky ones.

Blackouts are not something 'normal drinkers' ever experience. ...and they put you at great risk of personal harm. Being around drunken people is also something that I NEVER do anymore. The risk just isn't worth it to me.

The reality is, you are not likely to get very far dealing with your PTSD (or anything else) while you are still actively putting yourself in harms way. Establishment of a stable, peaceful, safe life is the crucial first step before anything can be worked through.

I hope you strongly consider seeing your school's counselor TODAY. You deserve healing. You deserve to spend your time around kind, supportive, save people.

 

[adjsl323]

Unfortunately the university's counselling service get very quickly booked up - I have an appointment for Monday, but there's no way of getting an appointment ahead of then. However, I am going home to my parent's house with my boyfriend tomorrow, which will almost certainly encourage some relaxation there.

I might add that the reason I had the blackouts at the time was actually due to two people having quite loud and angry sex upstairs. It was the following conversation that kickstarted it, with some people making comments that would have been relatively "innocent" had nothing been experienced by myself or another. But it wasn't the drinking directly that triggered this at all - nor the conversation on its own. Purely the sounds and relative aggression that could be heard.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((((lindtoholic)))))))))

Please don't feel you owe me any explanation about what's going on in your life. If it's working for you....great! If drinking isn't a problem for you...I'm glad. It was a problem for me and almost killed me several times. It also caused me to put myself in situations where I was re-traumatized, and I hung out with people who were not healthy for me.

I'm grateful that is not your experience.

I wish you deep, profound healing and peace on your journey.

 

[adjsl323]

I have alcoholism in my family sadly, so it is a constant thing I look out for, but luckily I have yet to throw myself into the pattern of such a state. I think hindsight has taught me well for this particular issue! :) but thank you, I do appreciate your advice a great deal. It's given me some things to raise with my other half too.