Helping People That Keep Hurting You

[Abrasky]

Has anyone ever thought about helping people that keep hurting you. I was wondering whether helping someone with passive aggressiveness was possible.

 

[Reclusive]

OMG, you've been reading my emails.

The only way I know of to deal with passive aggressive is to not play along. If they want to express something, they're gonna have to say it, otherwise, if it's not important enough to say directly, I don't have to care. That's how I deal with my dad. I know when he says "good luck to you" he means "too late to stop you know - hope you didn't screw up too bad" and so I just say "thank you".

 

[Heather]

People that engage in passive aggressive behavior are looking for one thing: a reaction. Don't give it to them. My mother does this kind of sh*t all the time. It's taken a long time but I've learned 99% of the time to just ignore her.

Especially when she makes one of her snotty a$$ comments which is really hard to do.

 

[Abrasky]

"good luck to you" he means "too late to stop you know - hope you didn't screw up too bad"

Good grief this is what my mother does to me. She is all nice and passively angry, which translated means your to blame for my feelings right now and all the self destruction. Everybody doesn't see is, Isn't it wierd when children can communicate with their parents in this third language. I wish to unlearn it. Nobody else sees the third language she speaks just me and my siblings.

 

[Reclusive]

I hear ya, I hear ya.... My dad is super passive-aggressive. I lived with him for about a year a couple years ago now and dealt with it constantly. Like I said, if he didn't say it directly, I wouldn't respond to it. But man, I think I cried every night because of all the passive backhanded insults he spewed out. And the last few days I've been regressing because all of a sudden he's emailing me again. Why? Because he wants me to do stuff for him - why else?

My brother is the golden child, though, so he doesn't get to see it, or chooses not to. I dunno, but my fiance and I are the only ones who see it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

A person in my immediate circle is this way.

Best solution I've found to maintain MY centering? Pretend I 'receive' NONE of the messages until she verbalizes them....and breathe...and remind myself, that is HER problem. SHE is the one creating the drama, let HER fix it.

Example:

[behavior] stomping around, slamming dishes while we're finishing eating.

[possible response] Oh, would you like some help?
[unhelpful because] It teaches her that we'll 'get' her aggression and 'read' her mind

[new response] "It's loud in here. Let's go play a game in the other room." Then do it. Unless she ASKS for help like, I don't know...AN ADULT.
[her response] I have no idea but...so what? I can't read her mind. If she needs something she needs to say it.

After years of trying to twist into a pretzel to help HER I found it just feeds into her power and her perception that she controls us with her unspoken messages. We don't need to respond to the unspoken.

We can ask for clarification if we want to. But if what they say is different than their behavior...time to leave and go spend our time on something FUN or RELAXING.

 

[AngelaMarie]

[behavior] stomping around, slamming dishes while we're finishing eating.

Oh my gosh!!!! I went through that for years. Me and my children would be in bed, everything would be quiet and then all of sudden slamming doors, slamming cabinets, dishes that are clanging together so loud that they almost sound like bells. It took me a very long time to start to get over it. I still jump at night sometimes when I hear a noise.

I wish I would have had this forum earlier and realized that all he wanted was a response and to ignore it.:confused:

 

[CreativJ]

Has anyone ever thought about helping people that keep hurting you. I was wondering whether helping someone with passive aggressiveness was possible.

Yep. Especially if that person is my friend and I know their heart and spirit. For me it's hard, so I have decided to ask for professional help to deal with it and get through it. I know that boundaries are important, as well as, learning as much as I can about PTSD, my past issues that might be triggered and having time for me. Working out after I get into it with my friend has helped tremendously, especially in the stress and tension department. Having a good cry and letting out the pain in a constructive way was helpful. Having a trusted friend or parent to talk to helped as well. Make sure whatever you do, you take care of yourself and have your own support group to get you through this ordeal. This website and the forums within it was my saving grace. Its kind of like group therapy e-style. Blessing on your journey. :tup:

 

[Abbi]

Welcome to the forum Roe,

From your post:

but when he snaps its HORRIBLE! i have been beat up, spit on and pushed. food smeared all over my face and hair, like oatmeal and scrambled eggs. i have many many items such as computers, stereos, etc destroyed and thrown. the house gets destroyed, my belongings get thrown all over, i get bank cards taken from me, ive had severe bruises and bumps on my body, my thumb has been broken, blood vessels popped, my shoulder dislocated, etc. constant terrible vulgar insults regarding me in all ways of my person, and this list goes on

Ok I am sure I am about to probably insult someone, but I don't care what his diagnosis, he is an abuser. What you described is not a minor he lost his temper yelled and hurt my feelings.... you describe Serious and Dangerous Domestic Violence.

NO ONE by status of having been victimized are allowed to do it to someone else. Its manipulative bull shit. I am aware of the issues of PTSD, but if he cannot control harming others, he needs to be segregated from others until he can. Its called jail. I refuse to justify abuse because of a diagnosis.

You need to seriously consider your safety.

 

[CreativJ]

Hi Roe,
You should take it personally. I wonder if he does this to everyone around him when he gets triggered? If he does, not only is he a possible danger to himself and all others around him. I hate to say it, but I agree with Abbi, just because there is an illness, does not mean that this person is not accountable for their actions. That is part of the healing process. This person is an abuser and may be using it as an excuse to abuse. I am sorry that you are going through this. I hope that you get help to deal with the trauma he is causing you and that you consider having him go to an in patient care facility that can help him, keep him safe and give him the tools and resources to get through this without further harming anyone, especially you and himself. Blessing on this ordeal and the journey to get to a healthy, safe recovery.

In terms of coping. You may just need to leave the environment for a couple of hours, go work out, do something that is nurturing to you and allows you to gain perspective. I know how it is to want to fight back, but what i have found is that it doesn't help. Yet I understand, you want your husband to be accountable for his actions and to for you not feel abused emotionally, verbally and physically. Are you seeing your own therapist? It's fantastic that you have a support group, but a professional may be needed. I am at that point. Again blessing to your ordeal and I hope the relationship comes out on top, if that's what you want to happen. Just know your boundaries and when it's time to take that next step.

 

[AngelaMarie]

I was able to read all the post finally. I couldn't concentrate well enough earlier.

I am shocked! Does PTSD actually cause this violent behaviour?

I know you are saying that you are not a compliant victim. However, when you allow this behaviour over and over isn't that compliant?

I am concerned for you. Please be careful! This sounds very, very dangerous. This behaviour escalates, and what is next?:oops:

 

[OKRADLAK]

Sometimes people who are abused become abusers. I do not know the statistics. But I agree with the others here who say you should never be abused. If I were to become an abuser, I would want the person to leave me. I would not want to become an abuser even with my PTSD it would be no excuse and in fact would make my PTSD much worse, knowing I was hurting someone else.

People with PTSD tend to be pretty sensitive and he probably hates that he hurts you. You guys will have to work it out with some therapy because loving someone who has violent outbursts is very difficult. Some stay, some leave, it all depends on the both of you.

Stay safe. Please get intervention or you may end up with PTSD or worse, and he may end up in a place that will make his PTSD worse as well.