Helping People That Keep Hurting You

[angelheart]

I can relate Kaz. I've always been a fixer, going out of my way to ensure everyone around me is ok... which has ultimately lead me to taking on responsibilities that don't belong to me. Life experience and then being the rock for everyone around me has made me into someone who finds it very difficult to ask for help when I need it. Thankfully I have the love and support of family and friends. I just need to learn how to reach out to them and ask for help. I caught myself in a moment of progress...my ex was diagnosed with lymphoma and I immediately went into fix-it mode, but then stopped myself. Right now, my focus is my own health, and it's crucial for me to detach and support in a very limited and distant way.

Hope you're feeling better.

 

[Gloria]

I had a very dysfunctional family. My brother and sister were passive-aggressive and used me as a doormat to fix all their problems. The thing is. I know there is tough love. I tried it for twenty years and talked about it with religious people of all faiths. You know when my brother and sister died, they both said that I was the only person that loves them. To me, it is worth all the pain and suffering that I went through for them. For God's sake, if I wasn't such a sucker, no one would have loved and cared for them. Passive-aggressive people cannot articulate in a constructive way what they need, feel or want. I have got rid of everyone in my life that pulls that stuff now but I still let my son get away with it. I know that my son has a personality disorder as well as PTSD.

Violent outbursts can manifest from the pain and anger from PTSD but at the first sign, call 911 and get them to the hospital. They must learn that this behavior cannot be tolerated. If they hurt, they have to learn to express their hurt by not hurting others. Punch a pillow but don't punch your wife or your dog!!

 

[Tinyflame]

I know I've done the ~'peace-making-thing' etc but no one forced me, my mom said I did it since I was a small child (under 2), eg if they were having a fight get between them, etc. etc

I am learning however as an (OLD) adult I don't have to explain myself, or justify what I think, believe or need. Well, maybe I have to try to 'justify' it but I can at least know (and recognize, and follow it) internally, regardless of what anyone else thinks or tells me, or thinks of me.
That's why I do ~better with my own heart, only because it's the only place I don't have to fight for what I believe or having to explain how I feel. It can't be taken, does that make sense? Yikes, I don't have the words, sorry.

 

[mamachick]

I guess I quit being the peace maker years ago when I unofficially just stopped communicating with 2 sisters who are twins and 11 years older. One is passive aggressive and the other who thrives on crisis (someone is always about to die of some terminal illness) I have continued a relationship with the last sister who is 7 yrs older than me.

Junebug described having to explain and justify everything-that would be my family, and its things that need not concern them. She is very bitter and resentful. Any communication with her is also like a hotwire through the family and of course things get twisted. I understand that feeling of knowing in my heart that what I do is the right thing.

I admire all of you who have empowered yourself through ridding of the negative and draining people. Thats my goal. I did it before and know I can do it again. Your words are very encouraging. Im so amazed that kind words are spoken here among members and impossible to find in the family we grew up with.

 

[Abrasky]

I hate how being the peacemaker means I have to be someone not worth being loved because I cause all of the self destruction of my mother.
I haven't been a peacemaker for 2 months now. ;)

 

[mamachick]

Nothing means you are not worth being loved Maze. You do not cause self destruction in another. Im glad to hear you have stopped being the peacemaker, I bet that is a weight off your shoulders.

 

[caliaviator]

The main thing that I go through is that I often give everything or nothing at all. If I truly love someone I'll open my rib cage and show them my heart, tell them everything about me, and keep giving. Sometimes I sacrifice too much and usually it's to the wrong person. I suppose part of me believes that if they can see who I really am they'll open up. But more often than not they reject me, use me, and turn my feelings against me by either making me suppress them, or saying that it's my fault for not doing what it took to address the scenario. These people are takers, and they're more than willing to take whatever you have and move on. In the end I feel betrayed, useless, and vulnerable. It's a horrible feeling, and yet I keep doing it despite my efforts to stop the cycle. *sigh* I want to escape in so many ways right now.

 

[mamachick]

I am learning that I give my power away. When I was young, my sisters called me brat If I wanted or needed anything. If I got anything, they called me brat. I came to need or want nothing and to ask for nothing from family. Even worse, I put others needs way before mine. Then when I say no or finally do ask for help, you would think I cut off someones arm or asked them to donate a limb.

Kaz I can really relate to the wanting your loved ones to care enough to find out what it is that affects you, to have and interest in this and seek out an understanding. My family does not show that capability. Those of you that have that family support are very blessed and I am very glad that you have that. While I do not know what that feels like coming from family, I know that I need to learn to have relationships with people who have that capability.

Caliaviator, I think when you give too long and too much, you begin to feel that there is nothing left to give. Im feeling that wanting to escape today. I think it reinforces some basic belief that "there is something wrong with me-I am not lovable, not worth it".

I guess the goal is to learn to give or help to deserving people and learning to trust little by little.

 

[caliaviator]

I am learning that I give my power away. When I was young, my sisters called me brat If I wanted or needed anything. If I got anything, they called me brat. I came to need or want nothing and to ask for nothing from family. Even worse, I put others needs way before mine. Then when I say no or finally do ask for help, you would think I cut off someones arm or asked them to donate a limb.

Caliaviator, I think when you give too long and too much, you begin to feel that there is nothing left to give. Im feeling that wanting to escape today. I think it reinforces some basic belief that "there is something wrong with me-I am not lovable, not worth it".

I guess the goal is to learn to give or help to deserving people and learning to trust little by little.

You're right. The best thing to do is give as much as I receive. If I want to make something grow I give a little bit more, and if it's reciprocated then great. I think I need to practice this in my daily life rather than stay on the same path to where I give more than I receive. The hard part is dealing with the pain now, but I'm sure it will pass as I get into this new routine. Unbalanced friendships and relationships is never a good thing to go through.

 

[Nicolette]

I know that through my PTSD I have helped in creating the alienation that my family and friends feel towards me, but there is still that other part of me that longs to hear my husband or my adult son give me a rah-rah because I am desperately trying to learn some coping skills and how to own up to my own responsibilites. Instead, they seem to be more distant and continue to internalize. .

At a guess it's not the PTSD causing the alienation but some of the people you surrounded yourself with when more unwell will no longer gravitate towards you as you become healthier.

As for your family - they are dealing with a changing wife/mother and are probably not sure how to deal with it, what to expect and, like you, are trying to find a new normal. Give them time just as you need time from them and maybe support may be from others like us in the interim. Your current thinking demonstrates the idealism I had wanting my mum to love me in a way in which she was not capable - maybe your family cannot be the means of support you would like to be however may be doing the best they can.

 

[Abrasky]

:( I got sucked into being the peacemaker again.
I called my mother last night. She gives me lots of love, and tells me I am going well. I open my heart up and then wham there was the "My nuturing is responsible for all the self destruction line again."
Conversation.
Mum: Brother has been seeing a psychiatrist, he is going through what you are going through. He told me that there are a lot of issues with me. I let things happen in the family and never did anything to stop it.
Mum : Brother's psychiatrist told him to get his teeth fixed (my brother has let his teeth all rot, they are black and are only 1/2 the size they use to be)
Me: That's good
Mum: Well he's going to the dentist.
Me: I'm glad. That is not a good thing brother has let his teeth rot, it's a self destructive behavior, and it worries me, because
Mum cut me off:" Let him do it his way"
Me. I was going to say because there is a lot of anger behind it.
Me later: Right so my worrying(nurturing) causes self destruction again. Thanks mum. I am such an idiot getting caught into this peacemaker role again.
Why do I seek out this stupid love, my nuturing is bad (I worry so it is bad) cycle over and over again from my mother?
The last time I didn't speak to her for two months because she said my son was responsible for the self destruction ie "You don't thing bub's birth has given you your PTSD do you?" That should have gotten and eternity. Urhhhh:confused: This is the mother that chucked me out of home when I was 9 for "not loving the same as I used to" and the "family was not doing well with me there."
Why do I think I can change her? Or minimise her bad behavior to it doesn't hurt me I am strong enough to deal with it.? Because I feel my life has no meaning without my parents because that is what my dad told me when he attacked me. :(

 

[caliaviator]

*hugs maze* sounds like the relationship I had with my grandfather when I last saw him.

This was years past, back when I was in high school. This is the type of guy that would hug you and welcome you into your home, and once you're there he'd dissolve your heart with his acidic personality. Like you, I gave to him. I wanted to spend time with him and really talk to him, but he would always mention how well my cousin was doing. I would give too much about myself to my grandfather despite knowing he was the wrong person to talk to about what was going on in my life.

Later on in life I cut off contact with him, and controlled the amount of information that my family received regarding my well being. I believe that my grandpa is responsible for me being the black sheep, especially when my family was much more exposed to him. A select few hasn't fallen into his trap, but others have.

I'm not sure but does this sound familiar? How much control does your mom have over your image? If she has a great deal of say about how others view you I would recommend controlling the amount of information you give out. Most of my family don't even know my branch of service, what I've done, where I've been, or anything related to my personal and academic life for that matter. But at the same time I would recommend that you give a small amount of love, and increase the dosage as time goes on. If you did let your feelings be known give as much feeling that matches what you told them (after all if you say to someone you are hurt about what they did it would be strange if you were very open and caring). I hope this helps.