Helping People That Keep Hurting You

[ritchwitch]

There are just a lot of people like that in the world, they're users plain and simple, they survive by controlling people through their emotions but are so often excrutiatingly cruel which is the staggering part for me.

I call them emotional vampires.

 

[revelry]

Born to be a fixer. Oh let me fix it, let me make yuo more comfortable, dont worry-I will worry for you. Just an exaggeration of what I have done at times.

Wow.... ive been doing that for years. I guess i didnt realize that it's really not healthy behavior. No wonder i keep getting crapped on...
Thanks for the perspective.

 

[mamachick]

I have attributed that "fixing" behavior as co-dependency issues coming from the very dysfunctional family that I have. As the youngest of 5 girls, I was the mascot/comic always trying to smooth things over. Since they were all much older, they were all gone when I was about 7 or 8 and up until age 5, they were in school while I was home with mom and her problems. In that respect, I was the oldest-the responsible/caretaker. From a co-d perspective, I could see how I vacilate between respoonsible/irresponsible.

I never considered the abuse caused ptsd so never considered that my caretaking had anything to do with ptsd. One reason that I have been able to keep helping people who hurt me is that I have had to numb my own feelings, disconnect, detatch, etc. Now that I am working on feeling things again.....I am like WTF........I am amazed at things people will ask, particularly family that abused me in the first place.

My sister announced she would be coming to live with me in my big house since my children have gone to college. She will bring her two dogs that are mean and dont get along with my two dogs. (one peed in my bed during a visit) She will need a bathroom hooked up as she doesnt do stairs. I am to get things ready for her. She might look for an apartment in my city if she so decides-and will let me know. I am to continue to pay all the bills, provide her with phone, cable, and email. I am to continue to do the repairs, yard work and cleaning. We can buy groceries together and split the bill-even though I eat my meals away from home. She will keep her Hummer parked and I can drive her as she doesnt want to acculate any milage and depreciate her vehicle. She will continue to be negative and berating on a regular basis and tell me what I am doing wrong and interfere in my business. I am to tell her everything going on in my life and report to her, where I am going and when I will be home. Really. Now I have three sisters that say I am selfish because I declined this tempting offer. Sound familiar to anyone or am I that unique....

 

[revelry]

Sounds REALLY familiar. My parents are constantly asking for this and expecting that, I have a sister that has completely detached from the family, so all of the responsiblitiy of my aging parents falls on me. But these people (my parents) are extremely ungrateful and EXPECT that I am to do everthing, and in return they yell at me, emotionally abuse me, and basically tell me that my best just isnt good enough, ever. And for some stupid reason, i keep doing things for them, even though i know it's toxic. They give me excuses to drink WAY more than i should, because its "easier" to deal with them.

...........Wow, sometimes when you realize something..... it can b a hard pill to swallow..

 

[eagle6764]

ritchwitch

Yes they are, because aside from all the hurt they do to you they take away your ability to cope and your resistance to the ugliness of their words. They drain you of your morals and scruples - take away your pride and then discard you, but if something ever happens to them you can be sure that it is never their fault and that in fact it is the fault of the person they used and abused in the first place.

 

[eagle6764]

I am to tell her everything going on in my life and report to her, where I am going and when I will be home. Really. Now I have three sisters that say I am selfish because I declined this tempting offer. Sound familiar to anyone or am I that unique....[/quote]

brat - it sounds all too familiar to me. When I read your post I had to take a deep breath because I thought "omg that is resonating an awful lot" or words to that effect. I've read a lot on this site in a short time and though it is touching some really raw nerves and has me feeling very weepy I'm also sure that in the long run that might be a good thing - here's hoping.

 

[mamachick]

I think all really dysfunctional families have a human doormat. Im the chosen one. If this sounds familiar, Im guessing you have been the chosen one too.

I know it sounds so insane that I have continued to try to reason with her. It is insane-I listen to her on the phone while she tells me that I have nothing physically wrong with me because I take care of my home and do things. (I have two herniated discs with stenosis, fibromyalgia, Cfids, and a traumatic brain injury from a fall which resulted in a fairly large settlement.) That there is nothing wrong with my brain. She says I deserved not a cent and that Im a fake, I am just so smart that I was able to con all the medical and legal people. That I favor one kid because I help her with law school. The next day she calls and says Im worthless, I do no work and should get a job on my back, that Im dumber than a bag of rocks, etc.

Who is really insane because I listen and at first try to reason with her. Then I am upset for weeks. Then there is always some tragedy that puts us speaking again.

One of the other sisters suggested that I put in a wheel chair ramp (and tear out 110 yr old original woodwork and bannisters in a house that I need to sell for retirement) so that this one could get up the steps when there is nothing more physically wrong with her than I. She does have emphasema from smoking and doing nothing else in 20 years.

Her husband did pass away last year and he took care of everything while she sat in one of those remote control beds and smoked. Funny the other sisters cant accomodate her.

Now this is a rant and I do apologize. I need to completely detatch because it does injure my self esteem. Ptsd and medical problems do not help our self esteem, I know the last thing I need is to be attacked. I just need to stick to in no matter what because I really do want to feel better.

 

[Nicolette]

I am shocked! Does PTSD actually cause this violent behaviour?

I know people guilty of such behavior and they do not have PTSD.

Passive aggressive behavior along with violence are behaviors within a person and not a symptom of PTSD IMHO....they may be reactions but passive aggressive would, IMHO, be the less likely to PTSD related where the frustration of PTSD may lead to someone being violent but again it is not a symptom - it is a way of dealing with a symptom which is not appropriate.

 

[Nicolette]

Who is really insane because I listen and at first try to reason with her. Then I am upset for weeks. Then there is always some tragedy that puts us speaking again.

Been there, done that and the fix is caller ID and not answering the phone.......if someone is treating you so badly why even put yourself in the firing line? Is there another family member who can contact you if required for any emergency? Are the tragedies genuine or an excuse to once again suck you into the unhealthy vortex?

I agree you are correct in thinking you need to completely detach - I did this from my family and it has been the best decision for me as I no longer go through all the ingrained mental torment or responsibilities which are really their issues projected onto me. The more you play, the more you hurt. :rolleyes:

 

[mamachick]

I detached for about 10 healthy years, then my sisters son was murdered in his home. Little by little, they have seeped back onto my life. Stopping communication abruptly feels like jumping in a pool of cold water but I know that is the solution.

If you drop a frog into a pot of boiling water it will jump out. If you put that frog in a pot of cold water on the stove over a flame while the temperature gradually increases, that frog will stay until its death.

 

[eagle6764]

The thing that finally made me finally accept I had ptsd was because of my children. I had looked after them on my own from the time they were babies as their mother has alcohol issues. I was diagnosed with ptsd in the final stages of looking after them and I didn't think about it seriously as a diagnosis but my emotional state was deteriorating fast and after I had reassurances that she wasn't drinking I left the boys with her rather than place them in care.

Once they were with her she never let me see them. To cut a long story short I got a call from social services this time last year telling me that the boys had been taken into care as their mother had turned them out onto the street in the middle of the night with barely any clothes on. They were lucky that when they were wandering the streets they met 2 young men who took them to the police station.

The Social Services wanted to place them in permanent care but she refused so give her consent so I had to go to court and be the one to give my consent which I did. It was when I came out of court that the symptoms I'm experiencing now started and I've not been the same since. She had turned the children against me (Parent Alienation Syndrome) she had continued being emotionally abusive even when I had left her. She knew I had been sexually abused and would make comments to the effect that I was in fact gay and had enjoyed it. To make things worse the children apparently want to go back to her and don't want contact with me at all. I can't even think about the children now - that's too much.But I can't help wondering why I was diagnosed with ptsd before - and I'm having doubts as to whether I really want to know - there would be a lot of emotional ground to cover if I were to start exploring all of that - I don't know. I know I'm new here but I just wanted to verbalize what has been happening to me because I haven't had the opportunity to do so before now.I could go into more detail about all of this but nobody else would get a word in.

 

[Deleted member 8931]

Wow! After reading the posts in this forum, I can clearly see some of you have been able to jump into my brain and see how I have lived for most of my life. I have been a fixer since my childhood and it can be so painfully exhausting when I need some support. I am doing everything I can to improve upon myself through therapy, medication, weight loss, having quit smoking after 35 years, taking care of health due to heart disease, etc. Today has not been an easy one because I am opening up more and more in therapy and I had a session today with the therapist. Granted, I know that through my PTSD I have helped in creating the alienation that my family and friends feel towards me, but there is still that other part of me that longs to hear my husband or my adult son give me a rah-rah because I am desperately trying to learn some coping skills and how to own up to my own responsibilites. Instead, they seem to be more distant and continue to internalize. I'm wired in a way that I would be researching and reading as much on PTSD so I could understand it better if it were my husband or son or good friend, or at least trying to! It's times like this I feel absolutely alone and quite stupid, very inadequate and very stuck in a rut.