Iwillsurvive1101
New Here
So I would like to start off my saying hello! A little about me. I am 25 years old married to an amazing man. The man of my dreams really. We have two beautiful boys who are 4 and 1. These are my 3 musketeers. But this isn't a typical love story at all. In fact quite the opposite.
My husband and I met in 2008 introduced by a friend. We were pretty inseparable from the start. A couple months after we met I found out I was pregnant with our first son. Our relationship was rocky. I spend alot of time alone. But it was worth it when my littke boy was born. The purest sense of love. He saved my life. And from that point I knew that I only needed him.
My husband and I struggled really struggled with our relationship. There was never cheating involves. We just couldn't get along. I wanted family he wanted friends. We were both young. But three years into our relationship we decided that we couldn't live with it each other and we ended up getting married soon after. He is the man of my dreams. And my biggest fear is to lose him and my boys.
This lady year had been rough to say the least. In January I asked help for horrible depression and anxiety. I could feel my PTSD on the rise but I kept pushing it down. I had talked to my husband about it and he thought maybe I was just a little stir crazy and needed to get it of the house. In may my father's dad was Diagnosed with lymphoma. My Great grandmother died a week later. My PTSD started to boil. I shoved it down more and more. June rolled around and my step son cane to visit. The first week was amazing. I really thought we had bonded and in a flash it changed. HiS mother punished him because he caked me mom. In return I was disrespected and treated like the diet beneath his shoes. The problem with this was my husband allowed it. And in stone circumstances had antagonized it. This had set my Ptsd into full overdrive and it erupted out of me like a volcano.
Late June I started hallucinating and having blackouts. My anxiety and depression was so intense at this point I couldn't feel. I quit sleeping, eating and shit down.
My PTSD stems from my father. When I was 2 he started molesting me. At 4 it turned into more inappropriate behaviors. I never realized how inappropriate having it be the only father daughter relationship I had ever seen. I blocked out alot. He was very physically mentally and emotionally abusive. When I was 15 I made the decision to have no contact with him. In return I was disowned by that entire side of the family. I sank into a huge depression and stayed to experiment with alchohal. A couple months later I was raped by soneone I had considered a friend. And 2 months after that I entered my first sexual relationship. I stayed noticing things he would do that my dad would do to me. Like groping my but when he walked by. Slapping my butt for no reason. Then I remembered how he would have me try on jeans so he could see my butt in them. Get ready in the bathroom while I would shower. And try to watch and conversate. Making me lay on his chest do he could reach all around my body. I never realized how inappropriate it actually was. It always made me uncomfortable but never actually thought about it.
This was when I experienced my first episode. My first flashback, first black out, first depression. It was devistating remembering. I was only 15 at the time and it was all to much. After 3 months of cutting 2 suicide attempts and a horrible eating disorder my mom had me admitted into a mental hospital. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD ADHD sever depression.bbi left the hospital drugged but found myself again a year later. Sine then I have had 3 more episodes. I never thought that it could be worse then my first. But I proved my self wrong.
In August there are days in a row I would black out. When I wasnt I dent as though I was watching me in a different life. Like looking down on myself. I felt I had no control of my actions. I was terrified of myself. One week I was so in and out and I cheated on my husband twice. I don't remember what happened. What I do remember was me feeling like I was sleeping knowing I was sleeping but I couldn't wake myself up. There were a coupke blips I snapped in and would fill with panick and Shame and would black back out.
I had already hidden my wedding ring from myself. Now this? I didn't know what was next. I became terrified of myself and started trying to push my husband away. I didnt know how to tell him with out him thinking it was a cop out. He had never need me this way before. I had never seen me this bad. So I pushed and pushed and pushed. And he pulled me back everytime. I began to realize that I needed to accept what had happened and forgive myself. But I wasn't going to tell him.
A couple weeks ago a girl I had considered was best friend. A girl that help me as I sobbed on her shoulder decided to tell my husband. But she didn't tell the truth. She lied horrendously. Told my husband details that didnt Happen because I didn't know. Not only that but she lied about a lot more things as well. Turned one of my best friends against me and destroyed my marriage.
I know I should have told my husband but I don't think I could have handled it 3 months ago. I was so destructive and wanted felt like I needed to die. He made me feel strong. And safe and loved like never before....
But not any more. He doesn't understand how I could black out and do that. He doesn't understand I would have never made that decision had I of Been in controll. I have never cheated on my life and I didn't want to then. He doesn't believe me. He only looks fit the negativity. He investigated the situation himself until he convinces himself there was something more. Is it possiblefor us to recover from this? Can we get past this? Week he ever look at me the same?
My husband and I met in 2008 introduced by a friend. We were pretty inseparable from the start. A couple months after we met I found out I was pregnant with our first son. Our relationship was rocky. I spend alot of time alone. But it was worth it when my littke boy was born. The purest sense of love. He saved my life. And from that point I knew that I only needed him.
My husband and I struggled really struggled with our relationship. There was never cheating involves. We just couldn't get along. I wanted family he wanted friends. We were both young. But three years into our relationship we decided that we couldn't live with it each other and we ended up getting married soon after. He is the man of my dreams. And my biggest fear is to lose him and my boys.
This lady year had been rough to say the least. In January I asked help for horrible depression and anxiety. I could feel my PTSD on the rise but I kept pushing it down. I had talked to my husband about it and he thought maybe I was just a little stir crazy and needed to get it of the house. In may my father's dad was Diagnosed with lymphoma. My Great grandmother died a week later. My PTSD started to boil. I shoved it down more and more. June rolled around and my step son cane to visit. The first week was amazing. I really thought we had bonded and in a flash it changed. HiS mother punished him because he caked me mom. In return I was disrespected and treated like the diet beneath his shoes. The problem with this was my husband allowed it. And in stone circumstances had antagonized it. This had set my Ptsd into full overdrive and it erupted out of me like a volcano.
Late June I started hallucinating and having blackouts. My anxiety and depression was so intense at this point I couldn't feel. I quit sleeping, eating and shit down.
My PTSD stems from my father. When I was 2 he started molesting me. At 4 it turned into more inappropriate behaviors. I never realized how inappropriate having it be the only father daughter relationship I had ever seen. I blocked out alot. He was very physically mentally and emotionally abusive. When I was 15 I made the decision to have no contact with him. In return I was disowned by that entire side of the family. I sank into a huge depression and stayed to experiment with alchohal. A couple months later I was raped by soneone I had considered a friend. And 2 months after that I entered my first sexual relationship. I stayed noticing things he would do that my dad would do to me. Like groping my but when he walked by. Slapping my butt for no reason. Then I remembered how he would have me try on jeans so he could see my butt in them. Get ready in the bathroom while I would shower. And try to watch and conversate. Making me lay on his chest do he could reach all around my body. I never realized how inappropriate it actually was. It always made me uncomfortable but never actually thought about it.
This was when I experienced my first episode. My first flashback, first black out, first depression. It was devistating remembering. I was only 15 at the time and it was all to much. After 3 months of cutting 2 suicide attempts and a horrible eating disorder my mom had me admitted into a mental hospital. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD ADHD sever depression.bbi left the hospital drugged but found myself again a year later. Sine then I have had 3 more episodes. I never thought that it could be worse then my first. But I proved my self wrong.
In August there are days in a row I would black out. When I wasnt I dent as though I was watching me in a different life. Like looking down on myself. I felt I had no control of my actions. I was terrified of myself. One week I was so in and out and I cheated on my husband twice. I don't remember what happened. What I do remember was me feeling like I was sleeping knowing I was sleeping but I couldn't wake myself up. There were a coupke blips I snapped in and would fill with panick and Shame and would black back out.
I had already hidden my wedding ring from myself. Now this? I didn't know what was next. I became terrified of myself and started trying to push my husband away. I didnt know how to tell him with out him thinking it was a cop out. He had never need me this way before. I had never seen me this bad. So I pushed and pushed and pushed. And he pulled me back everytime. I began to realize that I needed to accept what had happened and forgive myself. But I wasn't going to tell him.
A couple weeks ago a girl I had considered was best friend. A girl that help me as I sobbed on her shoulder decided to tell my husband. But she didn't tell the truth. She lied horrendously. Told my husband details that didnt Happen because I didn't know. Not only that but she lied about a lot more things as well. Turned one of my best friends against me and destroyed my marriage.
I know I should have told my husband but I don't think I could have handled it 3 months ago. I was so destructive and wanted felt like I needed to die. He made me feel strong. And safe and loved like never before....
But not any more. He doesn't understand how I could black out and do that. He doesn't understand I would have never made that decision had I of Been in controll. I have never cheated on my life and I didn't want to then. He doesn't believe me. He only looks fit the negativity. He investigated the situation himself until he convinces himself there was something more. Is it possiblefor us to recover from this? Can we get past this? Week he ever look at me the same?
