Supporter Here I Am....

[necie1982]

I'm very new to this. I recently came back into contact with a person that I grew up with who is suffering from this terrible disorder and it's changed him so very much. I joined this forum to learn more about ptsd and also as a coping mechanism. At this time, he isn't speaking to me. It's been 3 weeks. He's completely shut me out of his life without warning. I'm hoping to get more insight about all this even if I never hear from him again.

 

[anthony]

Welcome to the community. The simplest insight is: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd.86476/

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

In my experience, it takes a long time and a lot of info to get a grasp on PTSD. Parts of it are well known - triggers, flash backs. But the depression, isolation, avoidance, numbing of emotion issues are lesser know, in my opinion. A lot of it goes against most people with "normal" brain's instincts. It's hard. As someone who dealt with being cut off several times, it is painful and has nothing to do with you. That's a difficult aspect to get, that it isn't personal. You can understand logically, but getting your emotions to accept it can be very difficult. My ex isolated for 13 months the last time. And that distance ruined what we had even if it wasn't personal. I'm try to be his friend, but I know that's all I can do. But every situation is different, PTSD is so individual. There are so many variations of the overall issue of dealing with stress and the trama(s).

Don't know if this has helped at all, but two things helped me the most the cup analogy and the fight or flight explanation.

You can find a lot of references to the stress cup, but basically all stressors compound for people with PTSD. Good, bad, it doesn't matter. Stress is stress. Their cup can only hold so much.

Also, the explanation that with PTSD you can be constantly stuck in the fight or flight or the freeze mode. It's chemical within the brain, a reaction that cannot be controled. It can be managed and it can wax or wane, but it is there.

I hope my rough explanation of those two things helped and I hope I said it ok. But, those are the two things that got through to me the most.

Best of luck. If you ever need, feel free to mssg me.

 

[necie1982]

I wish I would have known the isolation and needing space part before I lashed out and pushed too hard. He would email me alot and then only every three days and then a week would go by. And only answering certain emails with very short responses. I didn't know what was going on until it was too late. Now I know. But he won't respond to me. We were so close. Or at least i thpught we were. It's just amazing how he can just shut me out like this. And he is being treated for this. Medication and a therapist. I can't believe he would actually pass medical clearance to be deployed back over there.

 

[Tanishq]

Hello necie welcome to the forums. Yes it's tough to understand ptsd. Take your time. :)

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

You font want my opinion of the military , especially their wilingness to send someone back. But yes, with my ex, there was a lot of push/ pull. And I usually knew he was going to isolate when he he would only respond to some text mssges or he'd give one word responces. Sometimes they just need time to recoup, to shut down, or turn off one stressor. And,unfortunately, the relationship or supporter is the one to be put on hold. Usually or quite often it is the one the sufferer is closest to. But as a supporter, our lives go on. He may come back, he may not. That's a hard thing to know. A really hard thing. But, he's in treatment, that's good.

 

[Friday]

Welcome.

From both sides of the fence... 3 weeks feels like forever when you're waiting for someone who is isolating. 3 weeks goes by in a blink when you're the one isolating. Hell. 3 months. It's a bit of a time warp. Add in military stuff, where one often gets used to only collecting mail once every few months? Time goes by seriously sideways.

At this point, I haven't spoken to the person I love 3rd best in the world... In 1 year and 6 days. I'd have reached out sooner, except that I know she's going to be mad at me, and it's been so damn long it's going to be an intense conversation even if she somehow (miraculously) weren't furious &/or done with me. I simply don't have the energy to spare for either of those two possibilities. Much less the energy to continue contact. So it would just be me isolating, again. I love her. Deeply and durn near unconditionally. Have for more than 20 years. I think about her, daily. The last time I did this was more than a decade ago. Fortunately she was super busy for a few years (college, travel, new career). This time, she's established. And... At least when I first started ghosting on her... She was furious with me. Maybe she could care less about me, now. Don't know. But in my mind, as long as I don't reach out to find out otherwise, she still loves me. Not an illusion I care to burst at present.

 

[Kintsugi]

Something that has helped with my relationships and communication as a sufferer is being able to make a pact with the person I may isolate from that I will give some response, even if it's just "I'm not feeling well this week," or something else that's short and explains that I'm just not up to talking.

Something that helps immensely for me is having an understanding with people I care about that sometimes I will isolate, and that reestablishing contact is difficult because I feel so guilty for shutting them out indefinitely. I have several people in my life--friends and family--who have said they will not be mad if I reach out after a hiatus, but most of them have asked for the compromise of maintaining some sort of brief contact just to let them know I'm thinking of them, or I'm okay, safe, etc.

Not sure if that helps your situation.

@FridayJones I want to like that 50X.

 

[Tinyflame]

I get your description @FridayJones , I can relate.

I think you're being a bit hard on yourself though, likely she'd be (very) happy. But I do relate.

 

[necie1982]

Thanks for the responses from all of you. This is helping me alot. The last time he emailed me he responded to my email where I was just asking him if he was alright. (He's in Afghanistan right now). He responded saying that he was alright and that he was just really busy over there and things had been really hectic. But more time went by and nothing from him. It was just really frustrating to me that he couldn't say hello. Have just some small sort of conversation. So finally I sent him an email saying "that I couldn't just be there for him when it was convenient for him, that he needed to meet me in the middle". Again, this is before I researched ptsd. I totally pushed him away.

 

[necie1982]

I understand all of this now. I've been researching combat ptsd for a week straight now. It's really nice to hear real stories from others. Thanks again.

 

[anthony]

He's in Afghanistan right now

Then maybe you're reading too much into it, based on that little tidbit. If he's in Afghanistan, he's busy. You recently came back into contact with him, what does that mean? Are you his partner or just long time friend unseen?

I never had a great deal of time on deployment for home contact... let alone I never contacted anyone who was just a friend. They waited until I returned.