Here It Goes With The "tough Love" Advice Again...

[Pencil]

No, you did not offend me, and what you say is absolutely correct. It's just that it is a narrow view. People like my sister and the religious nut who sent the texts will put the sanest person off religion.

So I was just trying to say that it is not because the woman does not understand PTSD, it is because she has some serious issues of her own.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks Pencil.

 

[Echo]

@Pencil - in this case it is about taking care of yourself following a brain injury and skull crack. There might have been very real physical consequences had our OP not stayed at home.

 

[Pencil]

@Echo, I'm fully aware of that. But instead of seeing it as 'justifiable' because of injury and resultant or concomitant PTSD, it should be seen as unjustifiable intrusion by the texter. @FindingMyself88 might have had an unbearable toothache, or had friends from another continent visiting - with or without PTSD and in recovery from a life threatening injury.

There is no reason for her to explain herself to the meddler, and especially no reason to justify herself. We all know what will happen if she tries to explain the head injury and especially PTSD. She'll most likely be told that PTSD is the 'enemy' at work.

Having PTSD and real, debilitating injuries are bad enough. Having to justify it to others who are willfully obtuse makes everything worse. It invalidates her not only as a person with PTSD and an injury, but as an autonomous adult.

I'm not expressing myself clearly: I'm trying to say that the texter is really crossing boundaries, whether @FindingMyself88 had a 'valid' reason for not attending church or not. I think it is shocking that she feels the need to justify not attending. And again, I'm reacting so hectically because I've been in that situation so often, and it took me a long struggle to even start separating these issues.

It makes me feel unloved and like Im a failure and makes me begin to doubt myself.

Don't let Ms Dogberry get to you. She does not represent the congregation, she does not represent the church, she does not represent God. She's self-appointed. She's offensive. Be offended, not hurt.

[dogberry
noun: A pompous, incompetent, self-important official.

ETYMOLOGY:
After Dogberry, a constable in Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing, in which he goes about his blundering ways while mouthing malapropisms. Earliest documented use: 1801.]

 

[TimeToHeal]

I agree with your sentiment, @Pencil. However, it might be important to note that the texter may, in fact, represent THIS church.

 

[Echo]

@Pencil - you are completely misunderstanding me, I'm afraid. I see no justification for this woman's behaviour, nor do I think the OP needs to justify herself to anyone.

 

[Pencil]

Echo, without wanting to hijack the thread: I really never thought you saw the woman as justified, neither did I think that you thought the OP had to justify herself. My point was that even if the OP wanted to stay home and chew bubblegum, the texter would have been out of line. With an injury and PTSD, the scenario changes, but that is none of the texter's business.

I have such a visceral reaction to this kind of thing, as I put myself into the OPs shoes, and I spent many years there. Imagine being one of your principal abusers and the texter being one and the same person. It was a mindf*ck. So, I may be overreacting. And no, I don't think you thought the OP had to justify herself, I was trying to say to @FindingMyself88 that self righteous people, when they are so invalidating, make us feel or think we have to justify ourselves - to them and to ourselves, and I could FEEL it in the original post. But I don't want this thread to get sidetracked. Apologies if I reacted too strongly, @FindingMyself88!

 

[Echo]

@Pencil - I have no wish to "hijack" this thread either. I have, however, no idea why you were addressing your comments to me. I don't need to imagine anything. I've had a lifetime of this from my parents (my abusers). I agree with the point you made in your last post, and had said as much in my first post to this thread.

I don't want to get drawn into this further, so I will leave the thread now. I hope @FindingMyself88 that you will excuse this confusion.

 

[Pencil]

@Echo, my apologies if there is a misunderstanding.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Ok, I'm not sure really what is going on. I got no sleep again last night and so my mind is all foggy. I'm sorry if for any reason my post caused problems…

@TimeToHeal I did want to say that this is not the view of the whole church. My pastors and the few others who know, aside from this girl and one other lady, have been very supportive. They have made sure I continued in therapy and have been there when I needed them. Now my last church back home before I moved to college, yes they all had this view. I didn't realize how much damage it had done to me until I moved up here and am still working on trying to make sense of it all. That is why this is so devastating for me, because it put doubts in my mind again and brought back old memories… I used to be just like this girl, because I was shaped by someone I looked up too. Only to realize that this mindset caused me to repress my actual feelings and self.

This wasn't a PTSD issue, but the girl is trying to make it into a PTSD issue.

@Pencil you are right, I do feel the need to justify myself. I battle with feeling guilty anyways if I miss church because of old mindsets. The old me probably would have risked driving to go to church and dealt with the painful headache. However, I have not had a proper night's sleep in over a week and on top of the headache and blood sugars, I did not feel emotionally safe to go.

@Echo, thank you for posting.. part of me wants to say something to her but I feel like anything I say will be returned with the same "you're letting the enemy win, blah blah blah." I hate when people say they know where you are when in all truth they don't… She may know some things about where I'm at, but if she really knew where I was at, she would no that what she said would feel like condemnation for me. So I guess it's just going to be best not to say anything to her.

@shimmerz You bring up a good point. The sad thing, is I have already began having trust issues, but not in a good way. Like my pastors and their wives have not done or said anything to make me think they are judging me, but because of stuff like this I feel like internally they are. I wanted so bad to text one of them last night and ask if they were mad at me for not coming, but I was afraid of the answer. I have always trusted too easily, and now it's really causing some issues…

Thank you for everyone who replied…I hope my replies have made sense… I am really just a mess right now… I don't know what I'm going to do….

 

[shimmerz]

@FindingMyself88 I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and so wish that you can come to a place where there is absolute faith that that woman had no reason to judge you, push you, pry etc. It is a place of self care that you came from when you did not go to church and that to me is a huge step in the direction of healing. I hope you can be proud of you because I know how long it took me to be able to not drive myself into the ground and start looking at what was best for me rather than try to live up to other's (and worst of all myself's) expectations.

Personally I think you did a very good thing listening to you and although you are having a reaction to what someone else's expectations of you were - you hung on. That for sure is something to be proud of yourself for!

 

[TimeToHeal]

Hi @FindingMyself88, please don't apologize for anything. You were certainly not the cause of any misunderstanding. This is your post, so again, please don't apologize for anything. :)

Now, back to the original topic...

Good, I'm really glad that the whole church does not share the views of this one girl. Perhaps you'll be able to distance yourself from a further relationship with her.

I'm sorry you feel the need to justify your actions due to the uneducated words from this person. Especially given your prior negative experiences with churches which treated you in this all too familiar way, it is very understandable you would have such a strong emotional reaction to this.

I do hope you will find yourself able to speak one on one with your pastor and let him or her know the whole situation and hopefully receive some validation and reassurance so that you won't continue to carry around this burden.

Many safe hugs to you!

PS - please feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk one on one. :)