CravingSolitude
New Here
Hi. I'm 45. Veteran of the Army. Did some time in Iraq and Afghanistan. But, that is not where my trauma comes from. Service in the military was actually quite enjoyable and felt like a real vacation away from home.
Anyway, I thought my childhood trauma was behind me. Had a really bad trauma response in my latest relationship as of earlier this month that triggered a dissociation and depersonalization episode that lasted a couple weeks. Needless to say, that relationship is over before it had a chance to begin. Left my partner severely hurt, possibly traumatized by what happened. Unfortunately I have no memory to help me know what I did or said, but I did talk with my partner face-to-face recently and it seems I was emotionally abusive, and they are justifiably angry with me, but claim they still love me.
The only upside is this has spurned me to really take a long, deep look into my history in addition to the loads of research and hours of consuming any and all YT videos from professionals and C-PTSD survivors alike. I can't even express how much shame I feel for not having sought therapy sooner. I feel even more shame and self-loathing for having realized only a few days ago that there is also emotional incest, enmeshment, from both my mother and stepfather mixed in with all the other stuff.
At least I have full insight into why I have been the way I have been my entire adult life. It really sucks coming to know oneself so late in life. So much regret, but I have to accept it and move forward by finding a therapist and begin to find some way to heal.
My biggest question now is if I should ever talk with my brother and/or sister about this. I still feel protective of my mother after the beatings she endured from my biological father, and I want to excuse her because of that. I just don't know what to do about that. Leave well enough alone and disappear from their lives, or spill the beans? Either way it's a mess and there's no real closure to be had.
I suppose this was more of a rant, wanting to sort through some of this. It's been a very confusing and heady past few weeks for me. Thanks for letting me vent.
Anyway, I thought my childhood trauma was behind me. Had a really bad trauma response in my latest relationship as of earlier this month that triggered a dissociation and depersonalization episode that lasted a couple weeks. Needless to say, that relationship is over before it had a chance to begin. Left my partner severely hurt, possibly traumatized by what happened. Unfortunately I have no memory to help me know what I did or said, but I did talk with my partner face-to-face recently and it seems I was emotionally abusive, and they are justifiably angry with me, but claim they still love me.
The only upside is this has spurned me to really take a long, deep look into my history in addition to the loads of research and hours of consuming any and all YT videos from professionals and C-PTSD survivors alike. I can't even express how much shame I feel for not having sought therapy sooner. I feel even more shame and self-loathing for having realized only a few days ago that there is also emotional incest, enmeshment, from both my mother and stepfather mixed in with all the other stuff.
At least I have full insight into why I have been the way I have been my entire adult life. It really sucks coming to know oneself so late in life. So much regret, but I have to accept it and move forward by finding a therapist and begin to find some way to heal.
My biggest question now is if I should ever talk with my brother and/or sister about this. I still feel protective of my mother after the beatings she endured from my biological father, and I want to excuse her because of that. I just don't know what to do about that. Leave well enough alone and disappear from their lives, or spill the beans? Either way it's a mess and there's no real closure to be had.
I suppose this was more of a rant, wanting to sort through some of this. It's been a very confusing and heady past few weeks for me. Thanks for letting me vent.
