Undiagnosed Uncertainty Ahead

[CravingSolitude]

Hi. I'm 45. Veteran of the Army. Did some time in Iraq and Afghanistan. But, that is not where my trauma comes from. Service in the military was actually quite enjoyable and felt like a real vacation away from home.
Anyway, I thought my childhood trauma was behind me. Had a really bad trauma response in my latest relationship as of earlier this month that triggered a dissociation and depersonalization episode that lasted a couple weeks. Needless to say, that relationship is over before it had a chance to begin. Left my partner severely hurt, possibly traumatized by what happened. Unfortunately I have no memory to help me know what I did or said, but I did talk with my partner face-to-face recently and it seems I was emotionally abusive, and they are justifiably angry with me, but claim they still love me.
The only upside is this has spurned me to really take a long, deep look into my history in addition to the loads of research and hours of consuming any and all YT videos from professionals and C-PTSD survivors alike. I can't even express how much shame I feel for not having sought therapy sooner. I feel even more shame and self-loathing for having realized only a few days ago that there is also emotional incest, enmeshment, from both my mother and stepfather mixed in with all the other stuff.
At least I have full insight into why I have been the way I have been my entire adult life. It really sucks coming to know oneself so late in life. So much regret, but I have to accept it and move forward by finding a therapist and begin to find some way to heal.
My biggest question now is if I should ever talk with my brother and/or sister about this. I still feel protective of my mother after the beatings she endured from my biological father, and I want to excuse her because of that. I just don't know what to do about that. Leave well enough alone and disappear from their lives, or spill the beans? Either way it's a mess and there's no real closure to be had.
I suppose this was more of a rant, wanting to sort through some of this. It's been a very confusing and heady past few weeks for me. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you have reason to be here. Dysfunctional levels of dissociation can be a particularly confounding head trip to have to deal with on top of everything else. Not a good experience to have to go through.

I get that you’re feeling ashamed, but the fact that you’ve sought out support is something to be proud of. It’s an achievement to do that in a life where you’ve learned to just keep coping no matter what. Being able to recognise that old survival strategy is no longer helpful, and choosing to change, is a genuine achievement. Most people never have the necessary ‘insight & courage’ combo to do that.

Fwiw? I think most of us here will be able to relate to having been in a situation where we look back and think, “PTSD really screwed up the way I handled that”. It’s okay to extend yourself some kindness for the way your brain has tried to cope, given what it’s been carrying. None of us here have been coping perfectly the whole time.

 

[Movingforward10]

Welcome!

So many of us have started this healing process and self discovery in our 40s. So you are in good company here!

It's possible to heal. How you feel now (the self blame for 'only' working out everything you experienced as a child was abusive) is not how you will always feel.
You also don't need to solve everything in one go. Figuring out whether to speak to family members right now: I would (quite strongly) suggest waiting a bit. It can be really overwhelming to get both good and bad responses from family members. It then requires you to have the ability to manage that, onto of dealing with your trauma. .

And we all messaged up. PTSD or no PTSD. What is great is that you realise you were emotionally abusive and you have remorse and you want to work on yourself to not do that again. That's all you can do and you are doing it. I hope you find a way to forgive yourself.
I'm sure you taking responsibility for your behaviour, would have helped your partner a huge deal.

Anyway, long post to say: a lot of people will share similar stories here. We understand. And it does get better.

 

[KA60]

Welcome. Had trauma early childhood from dysfunctional controlling family. My ptsd - official at age 53 after craniotomy to remove abcess left temporal lobe of my brain from bacterial meningitis..Prior to then misdiagnosed by psychiatry overmedicated etc..My illness was catastrophic- cardiopulmonary arrest multi organ failure etc..I was a codependent people pleaser never said no. I have had trauma recovery domestic violence treatment but currently re learning re enforcing what I learned again with this group the podcast of Jerry Wise..I allowed my father to speak to me in an emotionally abusive manner about 4 weeks ago. He asked about my husbands and I finances relationship he said I was retaliatory for me having no more
Contact with a dollar general store employee who blew her cbd joint smoke in my face in the parking lot while she was working..she got fired by the way..So. I called my father a few days ago to tell him I will not allow questions fron him about our finances or marriage. My brother is the so called golden child. I am the so called scapegoat. Is it possible you can get help or education about the family dynamics involved with trauma before talking to other family members? Know is power. With power comes responsibilty. My mother tolerated my father. She enabled my aunts abuse of my cousins. Just be careful. Take care of yourself. Work on you. My husband is a veteran by the way. I wish he would reach out like you.