General He's Back

[DLadi]

After what seemed like a long month, he's back.

I had stepped back and waited and if it weren't for the support on this forum, I would have driven myself crazy!

Background info: I felt him pulling away and I told him that I could feel his stress going up... if he needed anything then I would be there. His response was "your unconditional love is smothering me and I'm ready to bolt". My response: ouch- my mistake. So, the phone calls stopped, spending time together stopped, emails stopped. The only thing that I didn't stop was going to his boys' football games as that affected the boys. I called occasionally just to leave a message as I knew he wouldn't answer the phone.

This past week- Thursday, he emailed me at work and we chatted a bit- same on Friday. I went to the game on Saturday and he acknowledged that I was there- he usually doesn't but the boys know. After the game he came to me and asked if I was leaving. I knew that was the turning point so I said no- no plans. We went shopping, he made dinner for us all and we hung out until the wee hours. We chatted on the phone on Sunday as I knew that he needed time with the boys.

We talked about his ptsd on Saturday- he brought it up. He said that he wished he never filled out the questionaire at the VA. He was managing just fine before they started pulling everyting out of him and he just wants it all to be over. I didn't know what to say but I had to agree that it has been pretty rough for him.

He is almost back to his old self... before the therapy started. I will continue to let him make the first moves but I have to say that this has taught me so much. I've never been the patient type... too impulsive for my own good sometimes but he liked that about me... or he used to. ;~)

I am very grateful for all of the support that I get here. I'm sure we'll be having these time outs from time to time and I will always have this forum to bolster my patience. Who knows... I could be back to being shut out by next weekend but at least I know that he stills cares for me and we can gracefully get on with our relationship when he can handle it all.

Hugs to all- D

 

[void]

:hello:I hope this difficult situation turns into a huge positive for you. Keep us posted!

Void:smile:

 

[FallenAngel]

well done on your patience ....... not my best trait either

 

[Vickym]

DLadi,

I'm so happy for you! Cherish each and every moment you have together and when things are on the down you will be able to look to back and put a smile on your face.

 

[Frankie]

Glad to hear that some do come back ! I hope things work out for you :)

 

[DLadi]

Well, it seems like such a long time but I see that it was only 4 weeks. Maybe that is a long time in the land of ptsd. He's shutting down and pretty gloomy. I have no idea what has set it off. We've had a great month but by Monday afternoon- he was absent from the relationship. All I can think of is that he had a bad night of nightmares on Sunday evening. Sigh

Well, I've been through this before and I knew it would come again. I'll cross my fingers that the weekend holds better news as we've spent every weekend together for the last month... football games for the boys, shopping.. pizza and a movie.

Funny thing, I just made an appointment with a counselor to talk about his ptsd effecting me... good time to talk about it before I get really gloomy myself.

The helplessness is the worst part of all of this. This forum is the best support around! Thanks for being here.

 

[Frankie]

Hi DLadi,

I was just thinking of you and wondering how things were going ! I am glad you had a good month with him since he came back to you.

I know all about the helplessness we feel when our loved ones shut down.

I hope things get better faster this time ! Good Luck !

 

[shiraz]

Hi DLadi,

Just sending hugs and positive thoughts for strength and care.
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[DLadi]

Hi Frankie,

Thank you for thinking of me. This morning was pretty bad. I called his cell to tell him that his son's picture was in the local paper but he didn't answer... left a message. I get to work and find a scathing email about me inturupting a meeting with his boss- his boss doesn't like cell phones in a meeting. So I apologized and added that maybe he could turn the thing off before the meeting or not take it in there at all. He came back with a longer email- a bunch of caps and no holds barred.
I drew the line... set the boundary... no yelling at me- in person or in an email. It was an innocent call and his decisions and actions are on him. I should have shut up but I'm better than he is treating me right now. Anyway- he said good bye. I wrote back asking if he really wanted to end a very good relationship over a phone ringing then he should have the nerve to do it person and left it at that.
I'm still pretty wound up- even after coming home for lunch and mowing the lawn to get out my frustrations.
He'll come by my workplace to pick up his children today and I'm not sure if I should hide in my office or put myself out there to be stepped on... leaning towards the hiding and running for cover at this point. ;~) If you could imagine 6'5" & 260lbs of pure testosterone all wound up on ptsd... it's pretty scary! Add the sharp tongue and brilliant blue eyes- dragon comes to mind! Sigh... cuddly bear... snapping dragon. I'm praying that the bear comes back soon.
I have to have a sense of humor about this as it hurts to take the dragon seriously. I'll walk away if I have to- self preservation will kick in sooner or later.
Thanks for listening to me vent... only those who understand ptsd know why we hang on and continue to support the sufferer sometimes.
Ciao my friend... Happy Thursday!
D

 

[DLadi]

Hi Shiraz,

Thank you... I can feel the hugs all the way over here! Love your accent!! Gigglin
D

 

[Brakemyheart]

Dladi-

While I've only been reading this forum a couple days. I'm glad to hear you had a come back even if only for a moment. Your situation sounds just like mine. The snapping dragon and the cuddly bear right down to the height and weight.

I can tell you what my therapist told me today and after our first session I feel a whole hell of a lot better. You have to be at peace with yourself. Don't "duck and cover". Don't accept his directing it towards you.

Use the 5 why's. Funny thing is I use it at work to get employees to talk but I never thought about using it at home.

Ask a question -

How do you feel about this?
His answer
Why do you feel that way?
His answer
Why did you think I thought that?

For every reponse ask a "why" question.

Good luck.

 

[DLadi]

Hi Brakemyheart,

It can be very scary when "the big guy" turns into the dragon. I saw him come into the center yesterday as he passes by my office window. He was looking gloomy and walking slow which usually means that he's having back pain (also from the military). I chose to stay in my office as I didn't want to have any confrontation that would fester in my head all night long. Too bad I didn't think about that this morning. I called him at work and asked if he was ready to talk... "I'd rather not" was his answer. If I could get that tone out of my head right now, I'd be a happy camper.
Thanks for the advice. I will write that down and keep it in my wallet until I have it imprinted on my brain... good tool for work as well!

Ciao & Happy Friday!
D