General He's Bottoming Out Today. How Do I Help Him?

[Lunada94]

My husband has good days and about every two weeks it seems, very bad ones. Today is a very bad one. We have a bill due tomorrow we can't pay and it's thrown him into a well of anxiety and fear and stress.

He's not doing well today, he says. So much pain and anxiety he feels like he's "cracking up" today. He says everyone just tells him to take some meds or get counseling like he's just a "little unwell" (as Matchbox 20 so apty puts it). He says he's "dying" on these bad days.

He's in therapy. Therapist says he's nowhere near ready for EMDR. But the psych he wants my husband to see is cash only....and we dno't have the cash at all. So we are kind of stuck in this area.

So that's the background. How do I help him on days like this? He's negative and hopeless that he cant' be helped by EMDR. Won't call his therapist saying it won't help. He absolutely hits the fan if I ask him "what can I do to help you right now"? He HATES that question. Becuase he says the answer is NOTHING.

He's on meds and has been for years. They need to be re-evaluated for sure (again..no money). This PTSD is not combat related so don't suggest VA or anything like that because he doesn't qualify for it.

Any tips?

 

[The Albatross]

Problem solve a solution for how to pay the bill. If that is the stressor... all else won't solve his problem. I can sympathize because when on financial dire straits... I didn't want to do the rest of that crap either. I needed a solution. Not my shrink, or meds. Someone had to step in (in my case no one did, I'm a sufferer too) and try to give me a solution. Negotiate the debt or whatever.

 

[The Albatross]

My head is screaming at me now (having a rough day myself anyways). Pay the bill just find a way to pay the bill. He's feeling healthy fear and being effected by a reduced sense of self worth. Talking to people won't pay a bill.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree with Alby. See if they will do payments. My heart goes out to you. He is stressing about the money and has gone negative. Nothing you say will help him I do not think. Some places of therapy charge fees on a sliding scale, what you can afford. Can you check into that? I wish I could be of more help to you. It is hard when you are in such a pickle and you get only words.

I hate money problems. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Let us know how you are holding up. take really good care of you. Be safe and be strong. You can do it.

 

[Lunada94]

No payments. I only have one option on the bill and I don't know yet if that is going to work out.

The problem isn't really the bill..it's his reaction to the bill. His inability to cope. I can't fix everything or make money appear out of thin air. These answers make me feel like it's MY responsibility to make him feel better.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It is not your job to make him feel better. That is his job and it sounds like he is having a episode. There is nothing you can do or say that wll help him. Give him some space and just take really good care of you. i imagine this has you twisted into knots. I am so sad you are having to deal with this.

You are responsible for yourself. You have to find ways to make yourself feel better. Stay out of his way and give him space to work it out for himself. You do not want to become his target. Mabe you can get out of the house away from him as he goes through this. You can only do what is in your power to do. Please take real good care of you.

I am sorry the answers made you feel like that. Not my intention. You are the adult who has a grasp on reality. So the lions share of dealing with reality falls on your shoulders. I hope you can get some help and support for you. You will need it in the days ahead. Take good care.

 

[The Albatross]

Your husbands debt is your debt. Obviously he feels differently about being unable to pay than you do. I am highly reactive though to debt because of my conditioning. My husband has a different pattern, he hides debts... thus my reactivity. I will quite literally sell anything I can to pay a debt. I can't blow them off. My reaction to him is over the top. My reaction to my creditors is being financially responsible.

Gizmo gave you an answer that might suit you best. She said "he's having an episode, there's nothing you can do or say that will help him". But you are a spouse. Reguardless of his reaction you are called as a partner in the relationship to assist as best as you are able to deal with the problem. I understand and sympathize with your husband completely. Because I've been there. My whole entire family wanted me on meds. But I wouldn't do it because I couldn't see how that would solve the problem with finances.

If a bill is due and unable to be paid, there is an elephant in the room bigger than "his reaction".

 

[Lunada94]

I think we have a veritable zoo when it comes to bills. But I am not wanting to discuss my finances other than there's not enough coming in and we are slashed to the bone. Enough of that.

I am asking for help in how to assist him. I feel like you are saying that it's my job to remove all possible stressors in his life so he won't go crazy over it. I want this bill paid pretty badly but I am not in a position where I feel like I want to die because I can't pay it. That is how he feels. This is not proportional or rational thinking. His heart is racing 1000 mph and he cant' get his body to calm down. Because of a bill. What's going on here is an unhealthy and disproportionate reaction to a situation that is relatively minor. No one has cancer or is languishing on the verge of death in a hospital. It's a utliity bill.

I'm doing all I can to pay this bill. Even if it does get paid, more will be coming down the pike. 75% of the time he can cope with it. Today he can't.

I just wanted direction and advice on how to help him...what to do and not do to aid him in this episode. Instead I'm being told "Fix all his problems so he won't stress". I've been trying to do that for years and it's gotten me unravelled and depressed and nearly got us divorced.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I said it is not your job. I made myself really clear on that. There is nothing you can say or do to help him. I understand that you might feel helpless and powerless. You are over what he is dealing with. I wish you the best. Good luck. There is a supporters section with a great group of people who daily walk in your shoes. Try going to the supporters section and they will be better able to assist you. Wishing you the best.

 

[Lunada94]

Thank you Gizmo. I appreciate that. I thought I was in the supporters section? This says Supporters General Discussion. Please point me to where I should be. I thought I was in the right place.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I thought you were in introductions. Just wait, a supporter will come along to assist you. You are in the right spot. I wish you alot of help, support, and encouragement.

 

[Lunada94]

Thank you Gizmo. I just feel that his mental state is more important than a bill. I just feel Albatross that you are just another voice telling me I am not doing enough to keep him on the level. If I have to keep him on the level much longer I am going to go over the edge myself.