Relationship He's 'bummed Out'

[OneLittleBirdie]

Suggestions for how to deal with this?

He feels that since we are in counselling that things are going to 'slowly end'.

He's focussed so much on his perceived end of things that he feels 'bummed out', and cannot function, simply answering 'I don't know' to any question I ask.

Counsellor suggested I just 'let him be, things take the time they take', but from what I've seen, he's just burying his sadness and keeping feeling pent up. I'm very concerned that by following her advice, I'm just leaving him to feel more and more depressed and hopeless. He has indicated he's 'not feeling', just surviving.

The only time I've seen him happy all week - after we visited the counsellor, and he had a heart-wrenching cry on my shoulder after she left the room. On the drive home, he was able to laugh, joke, make plans and actually appear happy.

So I'm conflicted. Counsellor says I'm wrong to try and use logic to get him to gently look at options to cheer himself up (as she believes it accomplishes nothing and stresses him out), yet when I ask him if he'd like to watch a movie with me, or go to the store, he comes, and while "out of it", there are moments when he can smile. When he suppresses his emotions, he gets distanced, closed off, and depressed.

He said yesterday that he's "been to psychologists in the past, and they couldn't fix me".

What would YOU do? Let him be in a funk he's admitted he can't see a way out of, or try to gently offer opportunities to experience some happiness, and move forward? Again, he's not saying 'leave me alone', just "I don't know", "I feel numb", "I feel hopeless", and "there is nothing I can do".

 

[joeygn72]

Not to be offensive but I'm a bit confused... Are you going on what his counselor said, what your counselor said or a couples counselor said? I am in EMDR,my fiancé is in counseling and were starting couples counseling in a few months. In a therapeutic ethical sense there are very distinct clear lines between the three.

Who's counselor said "I'm wrong to try and use logic to get him to gently look at options to cheer himself up"?? If thats his counselor saying that and he's parroting that statement to you I'd question the validity of the statement.. If you could elaborate on who's counselor this is coming from it might be easier to lend an opinion. I try my hardest not to give advice all I can do is lend my experience.

 

[Brittny]

I would be very curious to hear some opinions on this as well because those are some of the same exact things my (ex) sufferer says. He says "I don't know" or "I don't know what to tell you" when I would ask him questions (which of course I stopped asking him questions), and he says he doesn't know what he feels or that he's not sure he knows how to love. He's not angry or aggressive... just lost. But I'm too far away to be right next to him helping him (we live in different states), so he's pulling away.

 

[Bedbug]

I'm a sufferer, so forgive me for intruding into your forum, but I wanted to offer my experience as I often feel the way you have described your partner:

he feels 'bummed out', and cannot function, simply answering 'I don't know' to any question I ask.

distanced, closed off, and depressed.

"I don't know", "I feel numb", "I feel hopeless", and "there is nothing I can do".

Sometimes, when I am like this, I can't initiate anything for myself but I can react. It's hard to explain what I'm trying to say, but have you ever seen the movie Awakenings? It's based on a true story about a doctor who works with a group of patients with encephalitis lethargica. They are frozen in their own bodies, unable to move. At one point, the doctor throws a tennis ball towards one them and they catch it. They "borrow the will of the ball." Sometimes I feel a little bit like that.

I am frozen inside myself but, if my husband gently throws me a metaphorical ball, I can (sometimes) catch it. I need him to initiate things because I can't. I need to borrow his will.

Sorry I'm not expressing myself very well today. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I'm "in a funk", when I'm saying things like "I don't know", "I feel numb", "I feel hopeless", and "there is nothing I can do", I can sometimes be given back my own initiative, my own will, my own direction, by being put into the right situation. I don't know quite how my husband determines which "balls" to throw in my lap, or when, but I do know that catching them has given me moments of unexpected joy when I didn't think I was capable of anything.

However, if I ever say to leave me alone, then I mean it.

I don't know if this has been of any use to you. I realise that I haven't offered any practical solutions. I was trying to offer some hope.

 

[OneLittleBirdie]

To clarify for joeygn72 - we are seeing a 'family and marriage' counsellor together. He is not currently seeing someone for his PTSD as he currently states he 'is surviving' and 'did it [counselling] all before and it didn't help'.

Bedbug - yes, that does help, and gives me some hope that I'm moving in the right direction.

When I offered him the chance to come with me, he accepted and came, despite having severe difficulty 'keeping in the present'. If he says 'Go to sleep', or some other equivalent of 'go away', I try to leave him be. But if he's just being petulant because his brain is paralyzed, I try to give it options so that he may be able to get 'unstuck' from this negative thoughts.

 

[joeygn72]

I love Bedbug's explanation. I'm on your husbands side of the spectrum. Here is my experience from where I stand. it is going to be difficult to maintain a relationship if his PTSD is untreated. I had years and years of traditional therapy. It amounted to a lot of bandaiding. I would do the very same thing. I'd leave therapy with a false sense of happiness only to realize in a few hours the feel good effect I had gotten had dissipated. I had to seek serious therapy...Peace and I hope you find a way to navigate this.

 

[Bedbug]

He is not currently seeing someone for his PTSD as he currently states he 'is surviving' and 'did it [counselling] all before and it didn't help'.

I'm not in therapy either. How well does he understand PTSD? Is he doing any self-help? Do you think you might be able to gently steer him towards this?

If you haven't already seen it, take a look at this article:

M4gg1e

I wish you all the best. It is always encouraging to see such compassion from supporters.

 

[Chris516]

OneLittleBirdie, Is he perceiving this because he feels vulnerable?

I am inclined to agree with you. About just letting him be.

Quite possibly, for a moment, he was able to see outside of the 'cloud', that is enveloping him.

The counselor is right about not using logic. Because logic in general, will not work when it comes to PTSD. At the same time, 'gentle'(instead of 'abrasive' or 'blunt') logic in little bits n' pieces can work. Because it won't overwhelm him. Your movie n' store examples are 'gentle'. But asking for say, his input on how to remodel the home. Might be too much for him to emotionally handle.

That definitely sounds like despair on his part.

I wouldn't let him be in a funk, but I wouldn't pepper him with a lot of questions all at once.

 

[OneLittleBirdie]

@Chris516 - hes struggling badly because my parents acted like disrespectful shitheads a year ago when it came to accepting and respecting his severe allergies, and he feels both betrayed and abandoned by them. I stood up for him, and he is greatful for that. He never had a loving family, and he desperately wanted one, so this hit him hard. He has no trust/respect left for them at this point.

I've had it out with my folks and it appear they may be 'coming around' and actually respecting boundaries that I have set, so i am still in contact with them. It stresses out my husband as his PTSD is making him very fearful of them, and so he is currently very fearful, hypervigilant, etc.

We are also workign on designing a new home together, which was admittedy stressful as well. We are nearly done the plans, so once they are complete we will take a break to regroup. Personally, I feel it is good to keep moving forward as it is a reminder that we are not 'giving up on the relationship', and looking forward to our future together. He's still terrified our relationship is going to die a slow death over the 'parents/allergies' issue, and won't listen to logic over THAT, so for now I try to remind him that he's safe, that I can take care of myself, that we won't be putting him in harm's way, and that I'm still 100% committed to a life with him.

...so here's hoping it gets through to him. I love him very much and I'm sad he's struggling. He admits he's having a hard time differentiating his parents from my parents, despite logically knowing the acts that each has committed is very different.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't know about leaving out logic proper, but Chris is right not to bombard. It's too much.

What I really think is that @Bedbug 's post #4 is totally it, I think. But I can't explain it at all, she did the best I've heard.