Wastinglight
Platinum Member
Hi all,
It’s been tremendously helpful reading your posts about relationships with partners who suffer with PTSD. Some of the posts I’ve read – I could have written parts of them myself. Many of my questions about my new “boyfriend” (I put the word in inverted commas because I’m not certain that I’m actually still in a relationship with him at this point) have already been answered. But I had a few more things to ask.
Some background – we’ve been going out for about a month now, but we were both very interested in each other for 6+ months before that (he said he didn’t ask me out all that time because he was worried I wouldn’t be interested when I found out about the PTSD). He told me he had PTSD at the beginning, and he said that I could ask him anything I liked about it.
The first week was bliss – we were both very intense and very keen. Then he started postponing on me. The first time he did it, admittedly I freaked out a bit (being cancelled on in the first week of a relationship seemed like a very very bad sign, PTSD or no PTSD). And I asked him if he was losing interest in me. He said no, don’t be silly, but then proceeded to keep putting off seeing me. I have been round to his place a few times since then, but from that first night he cancelled on me, he has slowly been withdrawing from me – texting less and less, and I now haven’t seen him for almost 2 weeks (although he’s been sick this past week). Up until the past few days, I had still been texting him every day – and he had been responding to all of my messages. Then he started replying only to some of them. The past 3 days I’ve stopped sending him unsolicited messages altogether, as I strongly suspect it’s only putting pressure on him and making him feel guilty. I’m getting a very bad feeling that this relationship is already on the way out, and I feel now that I’ve pushed him too hard.
Although I have tried very hard to be understanding, supportive and forgiving, I have done a few things that I now realise (after reading these forum posts) have probably caused him to view me as an ‘unsafe’ person to be in a relationship with (e.g. The last time he cancelled on me, I told him I was very unhappy about it and asked him to please try to make more of an effort to keep our dates. Needless to say, he hasn’t invited me to his place since, and I’ve stopped asking to come around). I have tried to be very clear about my expectations and boundaries regarding the relationship and I’m thinking now that it’s scared him off. I’m trying not to blame myself too much for him withdrawing, but since I am totally in the dark about what’s going on with him, it’s hard not think of his withdrawal as being my fault.
After observing his behaviour over the past few weeks (and, indeed, the last 6 months that I’ve known him), I’ve started formulating a few theories about what’s going on with him. I no longer feel comfortable asking him directly about these things since he’s not even talking to me at present. When we were still talking, I noticed that every time I asked him something about his condition, he would answer my questions, but then withdraw afterwards – and he withdrew further each time. So I was wondering if I could get some feedback on whether the following behaviours are common in PTSD sufferers – and I would very much appreciate any insight that sufferers/partners could give.
Something I have noticed the past few weeks (since he’s started withdrawing), is that he often says things that either directly contradicts something he has said previously, or that are just plain untrue. Sometimes things he says don’t really even make sense. I strongly suspect that his PTSD symptoms are giving him a lot of grief right now, but he hasn’t mentioned one word about his symptoms being the cause of any of his current issues, and has instead been giving every excuse under the sun why he hasn’t been affectionate/inviting me round/responding regularly to texts. It feels like he’s desperately trying to hide that he’s freaking out, and is putting me off as a way of ‘buying’ himself more time and space, without actually admitting that he’s experiencing difficulties.
Here’s an example: a few days ago, after not replying to my last text message for more than 24 hours, he then sent me a message saying his phone ran out of credit and that he wouldn’t be able to top it up again til the next day (which was yesterday). Plus his computer has been playing up, so he’s had to rebuild it from scratch, and that he would message me once his computer was working again. He didn’t apologise for not contacting me. I still haven’t heard from him, even though he’s been active on social media (one of the methods we use to communicate) the past few days. So clearly, he’s in no hurry whatsoever to message me, and it looks like he’s happily been communicating with everyone else under the sun in the meantime. I don’t expect to hear from him today, or tomorrow, and possibly not even for a few weeks (or ever again, who knows?). Because I get the distinct impression that he’s trying to buy himself time and/or space to deal with whatever stuff he’s got going on right now. I am in no way angry about this, because I think I can understand (to some extent, anyway) that he is having difficulties. I can only assume that it’s our new relationship that’s causing the problem though. That said, I’m prepared to give him whatever time and space he needs to sort his stuff out, even though it’s killing me to do so - every time I see him post another message on social media, it feels like a knife is twisting in my heart.
What I wanted to know was – is it common for PTSD sufferers to go to extreme lengths (to the point of straight out lying) in order to avoid admitting that they’re struggling with PTSD, anxiety or panic symptoms? I suspect I already know the answer to this, because when I spoke to one of his close family members about his condition, they explained that he would “do anything, say anything to avoid putting himself in a situation in which he feels trapped.” I assume that the prospect of committing to a new relationship falls into the category of a situation in which he might feel trapped. But if that’s true, then what hope can there be for this relationship? It seems to me that the chances of it working out are slim to none….
Of course, I could be wrong about all this, and it could just be that he’s no longer interested in me and he’s still working up the courage to tell me he wants out. Maybe he’s so obviously posting on social media as a way of pissing me off, and pushing me away so he doesn’t have to break it off himself? But my gut feeling tells me that it’s more likely he’s freaking out. Can any of the PTSD sufferers on this forum relate to this behaviour – avoiding only one person, but no-one else, and making up flimsy (and obviously untrue) excuses for not talking to their partner? I’m trying to work out what’s going on in his head. Surely he realises that I can see he’s been active on the internet all this time? Does he just not care? Or is he so tied up in his own world that it hasn’t occurred to him that I can see he’s deliberating not messaging me? (I know that no-one except him can actually answer those questions, but any perspective on the situation is appreciated). I read a great article the other day that stated that when PTSD sufferers won’t admit that they’re struggling, it’s not that they necessarily ARE in denial, it’s that their response is code for “I’m doing the best that I can.” I’m wondering whether this is the reason for my boy’s behaviour at the moment.
I’ve read on this forum that PTSD sufferers often struggle with health problems due to a lowered immunity from chronic levels of stress on their systems. But I was also wondering whether illness and injury might actually trigger symptoms. Of course, it’s only natural that if you feel sick or you’re injured, it tends to make everything in your life harder – regardless of whether you have PTSD or not! But I wondered whether injury or illness specifically triggers PTSD symptoms, or whether it’s just one more thing that makes it harder to cope. I’ve also been wondering whether it’s common that PTSD sufferers to get SO stressed out that they actually make themselves sick or render themselves more susceptible to injury. Because, over the past few weeks, my bf has both injured himself and fallen ill, and has used these things as reasons for not letting me come and visit. As someone who has suffered from generalised anxiety disorder for more than 25 years myself, I know that I’m definitely capable of making myself ill from stress.
I’m in love with this man, and I really want to make this work. I’m trying to learn everything I can about the illness so I can support him and create a safe environment for our relationship to grow. But now I feel like I’ve blown my chance with him by being too demanding, and I’m worried that now he won’t give me an opportunity to try again. I anticipated that this would be hard, and if I had the knowledge that he will come back to me at some point, I would be able to cope much better with this isolation. What’s killing me is the rising panic that he’s going to end the relationship without even discussing it with me. I haven’t heard from him in 2 days now, and I’m dying to send him a text just to let him know that I’m still here and I still want to be with him. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do or not. Surely if I just stop contacting him altogether, won’t he think I’ve bailed on him?
Sorry for the super long post…and thanks in advance to anyone who replies... :)
It’s been tremendously helpful reading your posts about relationships with partners who suffer with PTSD. Some of the posts I’ve read – I could have written parts of them myself. Many of my questions about my new “boyfriend” (I put the word in inverted commas because I’m not certain that I’m actually still in a relationship with him at this point) have already been answered. But I had a few more things to ask.
Some background – we’ve been going out for about a month now, but we were both very interested in each other for 6+ months before that (he said he didn’t ask me out all that time because he was worried I wouldn’t be interested when I found out about the PTSD). He told me he had PTSD at the beginning, and he said that I could ask him anything I liked about it.
The first week was bliss – we were both very intense and very keen. Then he started postponing on me. The first time he did it, admittedly I freaked out a bit (being cancelled on in the first week of a relationship seemed like a very very bad sign, PTSD or no PTSD). And I asked him if he was losing interest in me. He said no, don’t be silly, but then proceeded to keep putting off seeing me. I have been round to his place a few times since then, but from that first night he cancelled on me, he has slowly been withdrawing from me – texting less and less, and I now haven’t seen him for almost 2 weeks (although he’s been sick this past week). Up until the past few days, I had still been texting him every day – and he had been responding to all of my messages. Then he started replying only to some of them. The past 3 days I’ve stopped sending him unsolicited messages altogether, as I strongly suspect it’s only putting pressure on him and making him feel guilty. I’m getting a very bad feeling that this relationship is already on the way out, and I feel now that I’ve pushed him too hard.
Although I have tried very hard to be understanding, supportive and forgiving, I have done a few things that I now realise (after reading these forum posts) have probably caused him to view me as an ‘unsafe’ person to be in a relationship with (e.g. The last time he cancelled on me, I told him I was very unhappy about it and asked him to please try to make more of an effort to keep our dates. Needless to say, he hasn’t invited me to his place since, and I’ve stopped asking to come around). I have tried to be very clear about my expectations and boundaries regarding the relationship and I’m thinking now that it’s scared him off. I’m trying not to blame myself too much for him withdrawing, but since I am totally in the dark about what’s going on with him, it’s hard not think of his withdrawal as being my fault.
After observing his behaviour over the past few weeks (and, indeed, the last 6 months that I’ve known him), I’ve started formulating a few theories about what’s going on with him. I no longer feel comfortable asking him directly about these things since he’s not even talking to me at present. When we were still talking, I noticed that every time I asked him something about his condition, he would answer my questions, but then withdraw afterwards – and he withdrew further each time. So I was wondering if I could get some feedback on whether the following behaviours are common in PTSD sufferers – and I would very much appreciate any insight that sufferers/partners could give.
Something I have noticed the past few weeks (since he’s started withdrawing), is that he often says things that either directly contradicts something he has said previously, or that are just plain untrue. Sometimes things he says don’t really even make sense. I strongly suspect that his PTSD symptoms are giving him a lot of grief right now, but he hasn’t mentioned one word about his symptoms being the cause of any of his current issues, and has instead been giving every excuse under the sun why he hasn’t been affectionate/inviting me round/responding regularly to texts. It feels like he’s desperately trying to hide that he’s freaking out, and is putting me off as a way of ‘buying’ himself more time and space, without actually admitting that he’s experiencing difficulties.
Here’s an example: a few days ago, after not replying to my last text message for more than 24 hours, he then sent me a message saying his phone ran out of credit and that he wouldn’t be able to top it up again til the next day (which was yesterday). Plus his computer has been playing up, so he’s had to rebuild it from scratch, and that he would message me once his computer was working again. He didn’t apologise for not contacting me. I still haven’t heard from him, even though he’s been active on social media (one of the methods we use to communicate) the past few days. So clearly, he’s in no hurry whatsoever to message me, and it looks like he’s happily been communicating with everyone else under the sun in the meantime. I don’t expect to hear from him today, or tomorrow, and possibly not even for a few weeks (or ever again, who knows?). Because I get the distinct impression that he’s trying to buy himself time and/or space to deal with whatever stuff he’s got going on right now. I am in no way angry about this, because I think I can understand (to some extent, anyway) that he is having difficulties. I can only assume that it’s our new relationship that’s causing the problem though. That said, I’m prepared to give him whatever time and space he needs to sort his stuff out, even though it’s killing me to do so - every time I see him post another message on social media, it feels like a knife is twisting in my heart.
What I wanted to know was – is it common for PTSD sufferers to go to extreme lengths (to the point of straight out lying) in order to avoid admitting that they’re struggling with PTSD, anxiety or panic symptoms? I suspect I already know the answer to this, because when I spoke to one of his close family members about his condition, they explained that he would “do anything, say anything to avoid putting himself in a situation in which he feels trapped.” I assume that the prospect of committing to a new relationship falls into the category of a situation in which he might feel trapped. But if that’s true, then what hope can there be for this relationship? It seems to me that the chances of it working out are slim to none….
Of course, I could be wrong about all this, and it could just be that he’s no longer interested in me and he’s still working up the courage to tell me he wants out. Maybe he’s so obviously posting on social media as a way of pissing me off, and pushing me away so he doesn’t have to break it off himself? But my gut feeling tells me that it’s more likely he’s freaking out. Can any of the PTSD sufferers on this forum relate to this behaviour – avoiding only one person, but no-one else, and making up flimsy (and obviously untrue) excuses for not talking to their partner? I’m trying to work out what’s going on in his head. Surely he realises that I can see he’s been active on the internet all this time? Does he just not care? Or is he so tied up in his own world that it hasn’t occurred to him that I can see he’s deliberating not messaging me? (I know that no-one except him can actually answer those questions, but any perspective on the situation is appreciated). I read a great article the other day that stated that when PTSD sufferers won’t admit that they’re struggling, it’s not that they necessarily ARE in denial, it’s that their response is code for “I’m doing the best that I can.” I’m wondering whether this is the reason for my boy’s behaviour at the moment.
I’ve read on this forum that PTSD sufferers often struggle with health problems due to a lowered immunity from chronic levels of stress on their systems. But I was also wondering whether illness and injury might actually trigger symptoms. Of course, it’s only natural that if you feel sick or you’re injured, it tends to make everything in your life harder – regardless of whether you have PTSD or not! But I wondered whether injury or illness specifically triggers PTSD symptoms, or whether it’s just one more thing that makes it harder to cope. I’ve also been wondering whether it’s common that PTSD sufferers to get SO stressed out that they actually make themselves sick or render themselves more susceptible to injury. Because, over the past few weeks, my bf has both injured himself and fallen ill, and has used these things as reasons for not letting me come and visit. As someone who has suffered from generalised anxiety disorder for more than 25 years myself, I know that I’m definitely capable of making myself ill from stress.
I’m in love with this man, and I really want to make this work. I’m trying to learn everything I can about the illness so I can support him and create a safe environment for our relationship to grow. But now I feel like I’ve blown my chance with him by being too demanding, and I’m worried that now he won’t give me an opportunity to try again. I anticipated that this would be hard, and if I had the knowledge that he will come back to me at some point, I would be able to cope much better with this isolation. What’s killing me is the rising panic that he’s going to end the relationship without even discussing it with me. I haven’t heard from him in 2 days now, and I’m dying to send him a text just to let him know that I’m still here and I still want to be with him. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do or not. Surely if I just stop contacting him altogether, won’t he think I’ve bailed on him?
Sorry for the super long post…and thanks in advance to anyone who replies... :)
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