Hey All.

[Roger]

Hello everyone,

My name is Roger and I have been suffering from PTSD since August of 2007. I was working in law enforcement and dealing with gangs. It became so bad that every day I would be in constant physical battles. I became disabled from my job after being in an altercation on August 23, 2007 when I injured my right back and leg. Complications arose because the state that I worked for refused all the necessary medical treatment I needed so I developed a blood clot in the injured leg that traveled to my right lung causing multiple pulmonary embolisms and permanent damage to the lung.

At the end of September 2007 I also learned that my stepson was molesting my 7 year old niece and 3 year old daughter. I felt so helpless because of my injuries and not being able to protect my daughter that I blamed myself. I was in a job that it was my duty to protect people yet my own children I could not protect.

I am having a really hard time with my marriage as I have lost all feelings. I don't know how to explain but I just don't care about anything anymore. I seem to have attached to my two daughters, one is 21 and the other is 7 now. Other then those two I have no feelings for anyone else. There were disagreements with my wife and I over the whole "abuse" thing so seeing her every day makes me relive the memory. I just don't know what to do to make it better or if it can get better.

I don't know if these feelings are just with her or anyone I would try to have a relationship with but I just don't care no matter how much I try. I like being alone or doing something with my daughters and that's it. It has been 4 years since my PTSD began and it is still not getting any better. I do not know what to do anymore.

I needed a place to vent so I saw this forum and decided to give it a try since everyone here is in a similar situation. Of course there is a lot more to my story but it is still hard to talk about.

-Roger

 

[Christy]

Dear Roger,

Welcome to the forum. I know you will find lots of support and advice here. These posters are very compassionate and can see things from your point of view.

I am a POST certified trainer (CMOA statewide mounted unit trainer) and have many friends who are police officers and deputies. It makes me sick the depts don't take care of their officers. I really feel for you in re the embolisms. How horrible.

Don't beat yourself up over not knowing about the abuse (not in quotes deliberately). It can be very hard to detect. Now that you do know, you'll be able to keep it from ever occuring again.

As for the numb instead of feelings, I'm sure I'd be like that too if I found out my daughter and my niece had been molested by another family member. A lack of agreement with the wife over this doesn't help either.

PTSD gets better then worse, ad nauseum. Lots of people here have sage advice. Keep coming back. Best to you, Chris

 

[Youngmom]

Welcome! I'm new here too and a lot of my stuff is hard to talk about too. I'm also a parent and it makes me very distant from even my own daughter.

 

[Roger]

Thanks for the welcome all and sorry we have to meet under these conditions.

 

[jesse]

Welcome Roger. I hope this forum is helpful, it has been a lifeline for me at times. We welcome you with open arms.

 

[Kim]

Welcome to the forum. It's disgusting that you were hurt on the job and not allowed to get proper medical attention.

I agree with what others have said -- you can't blame yourself for what happened to your daughter. You were hurt and going through a lot of your own stuff. Even though we're parents we're still human. Abusers have a way of covering for themselves and making everything "look" fine.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Roger,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. I hope you find the resources and the support here as you heal.

Wishing you the best.
Debbie

PS-If that is a picture of your daughter, she is adorable.

 

[Roger]

Yes, that is my daughter Lia Gianna and me at her recital this year, I think she got tired of smiling and was tired from the show, lol.

 

[CraftyCath]

Welcome Roger,

Very brave of you to share but I'm so glad you did. I have Complex PTSD due to trauma in childhood and seeing too many violent deaths when I was a young nurse (I was also falsely accused of being responsible for the horrific death of one of my patients).

Lots of people here with similar stories, hope you find it useful.

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum Roger. Firstly, for what happened to your daughter, the most important thing you have done was to believe her. Yes it is very difficult when the abuser is a family member and also a child or teen (I'm assuming) when this happened. So you are dealing two big things head on which takes and needs having professional support in both cases. I'm glad that you found this forum to help you vent out. I'm a therapist specialized in sexual abused cases. But with my PTSD, I could only work a bit less than part time. I'm now on sick leave and can't work at all. Will be reading your posts and take care.

 

[LAA]

Roger,

Welcome...a little late but still warm! I am still a police officer and some days it is ugly. So often, the dept is a bigger stress and enemy than the bad guys could ever dream of being! I'm so sorry for what you have been put through! You did not deserve that.

My husband had to retire medically from LE similar to you, result of an on-duty shooting where he fell backward over an embankment as he shot and tore out his back. That was about six years ago. He then got recruited to go to Iraq and help set up depts there....not good for him at all, as the PTSD hit big over there. He still struggles greatly but still tries to keep pushing forward. He is in an in patient treatment program for 45 days right now.

Did they tell you the same thing they did us in the academy...you will eventually come to trust no one, not even family and other officers? I remember that and it does seem so true. I think the PTSD makes it even worse. But you were trusting of your family and that trust was abused. That was the wrong, the abuse of your trust...not you trusting. You really did nothing wrong.

I know it is so hard because we (police officers) are the ones everyone else calls to take care of these things...it's not supposed to happen to us, in our families. We really are just regular people, though. Recently I have been so angry with myself. I felt I should have known my husband was going to try to hurt himself. That's what I'm trained for, but I couldn't even stop it in my own family! Unfortunately, we are not omniscient. But now that I do know, I can be there to help my husband as much as I can and just love him. I can't fix things, I know that in my head, although as a police officer I want to fix it all. Maybe you feel that frustration, too.

Your daughters are blessed to have you! My dad never put me ahead of anything (or listened and believed for that matter). As another person wrote, you believed your daughter and it sounds like you are helping her through this...you certainly sound like you are there for her and love her!

It is good you found this site. People here really do understand and it is a way to reach out without having to be around people when that is too hard.

You will be in my thoughts

LAA