Undiagnosed Hey. Trauma feels like it wasn’t real

[chai]

I'm C. Eng not my first, sorry for mistakes if there's any.

I have a diagnosed personality disorder. I've never talked to the therapist about my trauma. I just can't. I can't.

Looking at my life from the outside, I ask myself - why? Why is it so strange?

Abuse I've faced was weird too. In some cases, I've felt like it was a dream. Maybe it was. But then this person got in prison for doing bad things to another child. Can an 8 year old just made this up? (I'm talking about myself, I know that child I've mentioned really suffered.) But is it even make sense if I was this young, and another victim was a teenager?? I thought people like this have some sort of... pattern.

My whole life I thought this was just weird dream. But then he got to prison. And I started thinking about this dream more. But it felt so unreal. Maybe it wasn't real. I don't know what to do with this experience. I feel like a mess.

 

[parrotthepolly]

The abuse felt like it was a "dream" cause the memories and/or feelings are dissociated enough to allow you to still live life. It's normal for people with trauma to believe they made things up but since he went to prison for similar crimes proves what you endured is definitely real!

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum.

I have a diagnosed personality disorder. I've never talked to the therapist about my trauma. I just can't.

It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about your trauma. It could help, especially sorting through the confusion of it not feeling real.

But ultimately, the most important thing is having help with the hear and now, and making your life right now what you want it to be.

 

[Susan Jane]

Looking at my life from the outside, I ask myself - why? Why is it so strange?

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. In my case, it felt/feels strange as well. For me it was just keeping it at arm's length and then maybe it would go away. That did not work out for me, so I totally understand your feelings. I did not talk about my real trauma for years, because I did not believe it could have affected me the way it has, and therefore I blamed myself for not being able to cope at times. I hope you find comfort here on the forum. It helps me so much, reading and communicating with others. It made me realize I wasn't alone in my struggles. I hope you find that here as well.

 

[arfie]

hello chai. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

is it odd that speaking of my trauma in foreign languages has brought me more healing strength than speaking of them in my first language? i find that translating my psychotic symptoms into a less developed language helps me sort the fact from the fiction far more efficiently. i was a child when i was sold into prostitution. in mandarin, i speak like a child and my words and understanding are far closer to the capacities i had as the child who thought buying and selling children for sex was, "normal."

be that as it may. . .

support has been a vital element in my long and winding recovery from that twisted childhood. this very forum has been a source of that support. i hope it serves you as well as it has served me.

welcome aboard. i hope you find healing companionship here.