It's me. I'm Ken.
I was diagnosed with PTSD about 15 years ago though it was largely asymptomatic after several years in therapy and on antidepressant medication. I never really thought about it much. Major depression had been the primary diagnosis and I focused on that.
Flash forward to recently. I had a crazy stretch of about two years where both of my parents died, my nephew was killed in Afghanistan, my wife endured a hard pregnancy and I became the father of twins. Gradually, with each bit piled onto the plate, I found myself struggling more and more until finally, around December 2009, enough became too much and I tipped over into anxiety episodes I'd never experienced before, coupled with very familiar symptoms of depression and sudden bursts of anger. I was also waking up three or four mornings of the week with my sheets and pillows soaking wet and me feeling like I'd run a marathon or fought a war. This was all hitting at about month 5 of the crazy-making sleep and rest deprivation of caring for infant twins. But I still wasn't connecting the dots.
Then the pieces came together, I did some research, remembered my first therapist's diagnosis. So my current therapist and I started talking about C-PTSD and here I am today.
I grew up in an environment of ongoing abuse and neglect -- both my sister and I were sexually abused by family members over a course of years -- throughout most of our childhood really. There were also many instances of physical abuse, intimidation, threats (with guns), bizarre religious beliefs and a whole pack of other damaging losses. I'm pretty certain some of it started even earlier than my memory because I can remember one of my earliest and most fervent prayers was for god to not let me rememer my dreams.
I'm pretty sure those unremembered dreams are where the trauma is being re-experienced, along with the bizarre experience of reliving childhood things as I watch my daughters grow and as some kind of outgrowth of my parents dying.
I've been medicated now (after a decade of not needing to be) for two months. Wellbutrin and Clonazepam. And my therapist and I are working towards EMDR. I seem to have a 2-3 day cycle, then things settle down a bit.
I'm here looking for support and camaraderie as well as tips and tricks and a broader understanding. I'd love to know what kind of work can be done around unremembered nightmares and what other people's experiences are around re-experiencing childhood trauma via the process of parenting. I'm looking forward to checking out the forum.
I'm grateful that this website is out there. I look forward to participating in the community.
I was diagnosed with PTSD about 15 years ago though it was largely asymptomatic after several years in therapy and on antidepressant medication. I never really thought about it much. Major depression had been the primary diagnosis and I focused on that.
Flash forward to recently. I had a crazy stretch of about two years where both of my parents died, my nephew was killed in Afghanistan, my wife endured a hard pregnancy and I became the father of twins. Gradually, with each bit piled onto the plate, I found myself struggling more and more until finally, around December 2009, enough became too much and I tipped over into anxiety episodes I'd never experienced before, coupled with very familiar symptoms of depression and sudden bursts of anger. I was also waking up three or four mornings of the week with my sheets and pillows soaking wet and me feeling like I'd run a marathon or fought a war. This was all hitting at about month 5 of the crazy-making sleep and rest deprivation of caring for infant twins. But I still wasn't connecting the dots.
Then the pieces came together, I did some research, remembered my first therapist's diagnosis. So my current therapist and I started talking about C-PTSD and here I am today.
I grew up in an environment of ongoing abuse and neglect -- both my sister and I were sexually abused by family members over a course of years -- throughout most of our childhood really. There were also many instances of physical abuse, intimidation, threats (with guns), bizarre religious beliefs and a whole pack of other damaging losses. I'm pretty certain some of it started even earlier than my memory because I can remember one of my earliest and most fervent prayers was for god to not let me rememer my dreams.
I'm pretty sure those unremembered dreams are where the trauma is being re-experienced, along with the bizarre experience of reliving childhood things as I watch my daughters grow and as some kind of outgrowth of my parents dying.
I've been medicated now (after a decade of not needing to be) for two months. Wellbutrin and Clonazepam. And my therapist and I are working towards EMDR. I seem to have a 2-3 day cycle, then things settle down a bit.
I'm here looking for support and camaraderie as well as tips and tricks and a broader understanding. I'd love to know what kind of work can be done around unremembered nightmares and what other people's experiences are around re-experiencing childhood trauma via the process of parenting. I'm looking forward to checking out the forum.
I'm grateful that this website is out there. I look forward to participating in the community.
