Hi - 8 Years And Counting

[anni]

It's a LOT for you-all of it. If it's helpful, come and write whatever you need to, ok? Seriously, you have an awful lot on your plate. Even a little outlet like this can be some sort of anchor or someplace sane to 'come to' that's all your own ( so to speak) when it's really needed. At least whatever the truth is will be OUT soon. No matter what, it's always easier to deal with things if you know what you're facing.If he can 'do it', then great and if he can't at least you'll know. Either realisty has to be better than the way you're having to live now. Sending you some good wishes!

 

[hopelives]

Well last night we were driving in the car with all the kids. The kids were being noisy and he was literally wanting to stop the car and throw the kids out. (although he wouldn't do that but he was aggravated and ended up yelling at me.) I asked what i did that upset him. To be told that he simply does not want to talk about it and for me to shut up. He than asked for my MP3 player. Than I pulled out my MP3 player and he put that on and suddenly his stress level seemed to be back to normal. (he hates loud noises that he can't control the volume.)

Well it was dark so I just started to silently cry. He put his hand on my back and he kept trying to touch me and get that it was all ok. We get home and he is trying to help with the kids. (abnormal but ok) So I let him help get them to bed. He than said Is it ok I to go for a bit. I said yes. Well he can comes up about an 1hour later and starts to talk to me and says. I don't want a long explanation but why did you cry in the car. I said "Because every time that I want to talk about anything you say that I should shut up and not talk. " He than said "Well it is because you want an explanation." (that is true) I said "But how can I know what not to do to upset if I don't have an explanation". Anyway. We ended the conversation with Thanks for asking why I cried and he said thanks for accepting my explanation or lack there of.

He than wanted to hug on the lounge. And than he wanted to be close to me for the night. He went to play his game but invited me to have a game with him before I went to bed. Last night when in bed. He seemed to want to be close hugging me telling me he loves me. This morning he was up early. Made me breakfast and was generally very nice to me.

AHHHHH I know why though. The counselor is today. He does this being nice going out of his way so that when I go the therapist he says well I am trying you see. And than makes it like I don't appreciate his efforts. Now that is cynical of me I know. I just have seen this pattern before. But instead of getting my nickers in a knot over it I am making a list to discuss with the marriage therapist and will wait and see what he has to say.

Thanks Anni it is a very hard thing to get my head around. I see so many things of his behavior that are related to the PTSD but he needs to learn coping skills. Also after talking with is brother he has decided that he does want to do journey therapy and other things to help. I know I am a cow but I was actually hurt that his brother got through to him what I have tried to for years. :( But I have to just be happy to go to the next level and try.

Well heres to hoping today proves worth it. :)

 

[anni]

Oh no, I don't think you're a cow. I had someone do that- where you felt terrible suspecting them of ulterior motives for their 'kindnesses' because one KNEW the pattern behind them previously. Isn't it awful? It just used to make me feel tired, and hopeless and depressed/frustrated/manipulated. Mine was a some different since there was also rampant abuse involved, with the attendant 'excuses; and 'good' behaviour. His was 'the alcoholic in him made him do it'. Oh- ok. Well if THAT'S the case go ahead and beat the crap out of me, it's just FINE!!

It's the pattern that does 'get you', I know because in that IS the manipulation and that just hurts. ou know that when the necessity is over, the old stuff will be right back until next time he needs the kudos. Yes, someone with PTSD does tend to become overwhelmed with a lot of noise and chaos. Someone with PTSD and 5 children does not have to be hurtful to his wife. 'Shut up' is never acceptable, and no wonder you cried! It sounds like you have a very good understanding of his mind-set, and being here must be helping you acknowledge the things a PTSD sufferer really might have to deal with and what he uses to excuse crappy behaviour.

There's always the 'maybe' that the therapy will go well, I know. It would be nice if the expectation that he's just going to try to manipulate that, too would be wrong. At any rate, you're 'allowed' to say whatever you wish to here. :) If it doesn't help help 'change' him ( only he can do that, and he seems resistant... ) at least you can leave some of your stress here on a page or two. I log on when I can't make sense out of anything much( which is a lot ) since something about it helps make sense of the chaos for the day.

 

[hopelives]

Thanks for teh PM Anni. :)

Well we are making progress. The marriage therapist was great. Although I truly didn't see that he got that my husband has PTSD and just tended to say we were a normal couple with normal issues. I disagree with that. He turned to my husband and said it was normal to want quiet constantly and basically didn't want to hear it when I said but this is not normal. He said it wasn't beneficial to make this out to be abnormal. And that the blame was both ways. I DISAGREE with that as I feel my husband is mainly to blame for the relationship breakdown. But all in all we made small progress.

Yesterday my husband vacuumed the house and took care of the kids for 2 hrs. Which is progress. We have agreed to just keep building on that till I am happy with it.

I also purchased a book aimed at the carer called Relationships and PTSD. It is actually really interesting and has given me more power and information. I now realise that my husband drinking 2 beers a night is not good. Although I realised it wasn't good to begin with I reasoned it as it takes the edge off and he seems to relax. I now realise that it is more than that.

And the video gaming is not ok in the volume he is doing it as he is disassociating from life. But I have a long way to go to make him see this. I also have to get him to see a therapist and stick at it.

Anyway I will just keep trying.

 

[disconnect]

I'm new too and just wanted to say hello.
D/x

 

[syrinx]

As a trauma survivor I wanted to add a little bit of insight, in addition to what has already been said. I tend to have very little awareness of others' emotions, and also have very little awareness of my own. Emotional awareness is a huge part of PTSD for me. I have a tendency to dissociate from my own emotions, and isolate so much that it obscures my ability to understand the people around me. It took a lot to really begin to understand my partner and why he was often so frustrated with me.

Often I would neglect to do something, or do something to upset him unintentionally. His anger and the sense I did something wrong would trigger me even further.

Being triggered doesn't take away from the responsibility, however, this may be a hard thing for him to read into and understand. Also, he may be unaware of how little insight you have into his emotions, as he never talks about them.