Hi Again

[Daisy1234]

Hi everybody. I can't remember the last time I posted here but it's been a while. I really need to reconnect. Not sure if this is the right place but I know I can't post again in Intros. Recap: neglected/verbally abused as a child. Have broken up FOR THE LAST TIME with extremely abusive ex boyfriend (three weeks ago). For the first time, absolutely no desire to talk to him again and have changed my number.

After we broke up, I started therapy again. We had a treatment plan of me doing couch to 5k app and beginning to volunteer. I felt like I was moving along and feeling hopeful. Then I went clothes shopping with my friend for four hours 2 days ago. I was beyond overwhelmed. Kept at it for longer than i knew i should have. The following day I had out of control anxiety, horrible body pain, terrible fatigue, massive headache, nausea. What tyhe hell happened?????

Today is better in terms of those physical symptoms (well, a lot of anxiety is still there but not massive), but I am back to being afraid to leave the house. At this point I feel I can't do the running (I was getting exercise-induced fibromyalgia again) and do not believe I have the ability to volunteer. Now what is my treatment plan? I think I see my therapist on Monday.

Positives: I am again in contact with my brother and friend Dawn. I have developed a friendship with someone from my support group who also has ptsd but is doing very well now. My derealization, which I had 24/7 for probably 4 months is gone. I have thrown away all junk food and am eating healthy for the first time in my life.,

But it's just this pervading fear and tentativeness. So I guess my anxiety is still pretty bad, I just don't feel like I'm going to explode like I did yesterday. Then there's the depression. I just feel like I'm starting all over again. At least NO ONE will abuse me today. This has gotten long. Thanks for reading. :)

 

[Daisy1234]

Just wanted to report how this forum has helped me. I just read a post about how someone cut off a new relationship because of too many warning signs of potential abuse. At the end someone posted a quote that said something like if you have to explain to somebody how to treat you with respect and courtesy, run! It just made me feel brighter and more peaceful. I spun my wheels for soooo long hoping he would get it. He just made me feel not good enough, just like I CONSTANTLY felt from my mom. I need to tell myself and the little me a new core belief: I am good enough and worthy of happiness! If somebody hurts you, it is not your fault! I had mentally ill people distort my image. I need to cultivate that new, truthful healthy image. I feel like I may be able to keep at the couch to 5k, keeping the pace slow so as to avoid fibro flares, and volunteer a few hours a day, 2 or 3 times a week. I used to work full time as an attorney. I think the whole time I was avoiding myself and my buried feelings. I stayed in that relationship so long because I was bound and determined he would treat me well and validate me. I now know self validation is the key.

 

[heyheyhey]

Hey sweetheart ^_^! It takes SO much to leave an abusive relationship, with the intensity of trauma bonds and the pain, fear and confusion these situations cause, it can be so hard to leave. It took me a year to disentangle myself and find a new place, it's really f*cking hard, so I understand where you are coming from. I have a lovely boyfriend at the moment, but just want some time to myself, and it's actually a million times easier to break off with him. I think people have no idea the intensity of trauma bonds and the psychology that surrounds people staying in an abusive relationship, it's not really a choice - you have to battle HARD! I understand what you are saying about how you were determined to force him to treat you better, I was the same, I thought "I'm not going to let you treat me like that and you WILL fall into line". But they are selfish just like our parents are ;), and it's healthy to realise why we were drawn to them "the parent we can fix" "the parent we can make love us" "the parent whose control we can resist and be stronger than".

I think taking things slowly, and uncovering your trauma piece by piece (being honest with yourself), but not overworking yourself or running from the pain of it (hard I know, but we need to give ourselves resting time and healing time). I've found meeting new, positive friends that make me really, genuinely happy (i feel uplifted around them), doing Somatic Experiencing, CBT for my low self-esteem, and Internal Family Systems for figuring out myself, all so helpful :). Exercise is a great one too, but it's so f*cking cold here in the UK :P, I quite want to say snuggled in my blanket lol :)!

 

[Silver.]

Good for you for having the strength to walk away, you should be immensely proud of yourself for doing that :hug:

 

[Daisy1234]

Thanks for the replies guys :) Heyheyhey, it is wonderful that you can relate. It seems you are happy (at least as you present yourself through writing), so maybe there is hope for me? Ever since my therapist brought up my abusive relationship being about my mother and seeking validation from someone who is INCAPABLE of giving it. I tap into the rage that I can express about her now. And as for my ex, he has KILLED my self esteem and made me feel very unattractive and un-sexy (which I know deep down I am not).

I have never experienced depression, fear and anxiety like this in my life. I have body aches and supreme dry mouth nearly all the time. I feel like I need to be in therapy more than once a week. My therapist proclaims to specialize in "trauma." I hope that is the case and that she knows what she is doing. She said she doesn't want to talk about my relationship the whole time. Is this appropriate? I started seeing her about a month ago. We "together" came up with a treatment plan which was all about tackling my depression with self care and other actions, not processing emotions or trauma. Maybe she will be getting to that, I don't know. I wouldn't know where to begin. There are sooooo many terribly cruel things he did and said.

Just to mention something from yesterday: I went to a coffee shop and the barista was a young guy. He made friendly eye contact with me and smiled. It made me VERY uncomfortable. I felt leered upon, which may or may not have been the case. My ex was a sex/porn addict, not sure if that comes into play but I think so. Some men (most) just make me very uncomfortable.

I'm going to work on my couch to 5k now, even though I think it's about 35 out (Midwest USA here). It makes me feel better for a while and I know it's good for me. I know I threw that in there in hopes that you guys would think I was awesome. NEVER ANY praise when I grew up and it seems I am starving for it now. Please don't tell me how cool I am for running in the cold. It seems childlike to "need" praise. Well, children do need praise or they will suffer in the long run (at least that's how it worked for me). Off I go

 

[DharmaGirl]

Good for you for going out in the freezing cold and working on your goals. I am hoping to start walking again soon.

 

[Daisy1234]

Good for you for going out in the freezing cold and working on your goals. I am hoping to start walk...

!
Go get 'em with the walking DharmaGirl!

 

[DharmaGirl]

Ack! I missed the line where you said not to praise you for running in the cold, but I am sitting here in my warm living room with a fire. How could I not? Besides, it is a huge thing to do, and everyone deserves a pat on the back no matter how old.

 

[heyheyhey]

Hi Daisy,



Absolutely there is hope!! All I wish is that i could go back and put myself into therapy right away and invest everything into recovery. Ensuring I do practical things and paying for a therapist, that is what has really helped. In the past I stagnated, just trying to find a solution to the suffering, but that was really just a kind of wallowing and it wasn’t getting better. I definitely think education is awesome, but you have to implement things. I now have a calendar, and I schedule in different practices every couple of days or each day, it looks a bit like this:





Compassion meditation - helps me develop more kindness towards myself, and helps me to see others as less threatening. Also helps me to be less angry, which helps me feel happier :).



Daily CBT exercises, I mainly use this for my low self-esteem. I do about 10-15 minutes each day, where I challenge my negative thoughts about myself using evidence. It’s very helpful but quite a slog as my low self-esteem is very entrenched, but it’s so worth it :).



I do some Somatic Experience exercises a few times a week/daily. I check into the physical sensations in my body where I suffer an emotional flashback or a strong emotion (positive or negative). It’s really helpful :). I also do a practice called resourcing.



I spend time around positive people, who make me feel uplifted and who are kind. I avoid and avoid clinging to friendships where I do feel happy and appreciated. This is really important with C-PTSD, but can take some time to adjust to doing. I am building up a more positive social circle by going to classes and sports groups with people like me and who can be a positive influence.



I also do some therapeutic writing on the weekend.



I go to therapy (or have it, it’s via Skype) once a week. My therapist is a standard counsellor and a Somatic Experience Counsellor, the therapy is f*cking ace, I’d really recommend it. I’ve seen more change from this than months of person centered counselling alone (I have had like 5 sessions now and REALLY credit it to eradicating like a substantial part of my anxiety, it’s really awesome…It’s not some alternative shit, it’s recommended by a top trauma researcher in the US (he wrote this awesome book called The Body Keeps the Score) and the book “Waking the Tiger” is one of the top books on Amazon for PTSD.



I also find not drinking a must for my anxiety and I don’t eat sugar, which I feel really, really helped balance my mood and really calm my anxiety (it used to be all over the place and really bad!!). I try and eat healthy and exercise, but fallen off the wagon a bit. I also don’t sleep past 1am. So stopped partying and clubbing. but i still love going for food and ‘drinks’ with friends, so don’t feel like it stops me from having a full social life.



I’ve also started doing some work on myself (grabbed a book off Amazon) on a therapy called Internal Family Systems, which I’ve found very helpful. I also found out about it in the book “The Body Keeps the Score” - it’s basically a detailed study and exploration of the various treatments for PTSD and C-PTSD by a trauma specialist, it’s f*cking ace, I really recommend it if you want to discover different treatments and see what may work for you :).



All of this stuff has really helped me and I’m way better, I barely have any anxiety symptoms, except maybe when I get stressed. But i find staying focused in my body really helpful. I have C-PTSD from my ex and childhood, so it’s going to take a while to work through everything and how it has affected me, but I’m ready for the work and with the right tools, nothing is gonna stop me! You will find things that work for you :) and if you put in the work and do things consistently, you’re going to see big changes :), just know you can do it.





I totally relate to what you are saying about your low self estee and how badly you feel about your looks, but I promise if you work at it, it does get better :)!



As a friend said when i said my ex said I wasn’t pretty he said “then why are you with me you f*cking idiot?”. He subtly undermined me and made me feel insecure about my looks, to the point where my self-esteem was really, really low about my looks. That’s what they do to try and keep you with them - if you weren’t pretty and awesome, why would they be so scared to lose you that they have to resort to breaking down your self esteem? Why would they be with you in the first place? Now I am like “i’m hot as f*ck and he’s f*cking idiot!”. You will build it back up again :), i promise!



Don’t let this pathetic loser get into your head, when you feel insecure and bad about yourself, label that it’s his voice and it’s BS! It’s not reality, look at the evidence to the contrary :), like the compliments people pay you, or positive qualities in your physical appearance and character. It’s sometimes good to start making a list, so you can cut through the shame/low self-esteem shit storm when it happens.



Yeah with the cashier, I totally get it, I get that too, i bristle up like if someone flirts with me. Of course we do!! Because relationships and romance were where we were traumatised, it’s sad that something so good that can bring so much happiness, can be tainted by trauma but it’s also totally understandable and being understanding and compassionate towards yourself is what you need to do :). I recommend just trying to focus on your bodily sensations when this happens, don’t get lost in thoughts or feelings, but focus on the physical sensations (like anxiety is often felt as a churning sensation in the belly, your breathing may also become shallow - listen in :)) - this will help unwind and melt the intense feeling away, sounds kind of strange - but basically your body is trying to tell you something, so listen to it and then it signals will be less intense over time…

Hope you enjoyed your run, you don't need us to tell you that's awesome, make a note of it to yourself ;)! xx

 

[Daisy1234]

Wow Heyheyhey, sounds like you have really come a long way! I feel kind of overwhelmed by thinking about all the exercises/coping skills you have in place. All I really have for coping is exercise, eating right, horses (today), reaching out for support or just plain companionship. I really hope my therapist will help me with new skills/methods of healing. I bought a book, "Life After Trauma" by Michele Rosenthal. Have only read a few pages and am now at the point of doing thinking/writing. Am scared to go further. Do you know anything about this book?

At least FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A VERY LONG TIME, I was not scared to go to sleep last night, and I was not scared to get out of bed this morning. Not sure why that happened. I am feeling physically , emotionally and mentally tired today but not exhausted. I keep having dreams about him. Not about abuse. In one he was walking away from me and last night's was me wanting to say hi to him at the gym (he's a workout freak, it's the only thing he has going in his life). I want no more contact with him because he is horrible so not sure why that happened. Was reading about trauma bonding. I think my dreams suggest grieving? Memories of the abuse are on my mind a lot but I think they MAY be hurting less? I am very triggered by so many things it's unbelievable.

Just want to thank you very much for your well thought out response. It means a lot to me. :)

 

[heyheyhey]

Wow Heyheyhey, sounds like you have really come a long way! I feel kind of overwhelmed by thinking a...

Hey Daisy :), yeah I used to get so, so triggered all the time. Dreams are a way of working through things, it sucks to have unpleasant dreams but I think it's the mind working through things... interestingly they think EMDR somehow connects to how we process dreams and it's meant to be very effective.

Sorry for just throwing loads of info at you. When my PTSD first went to severe levels, I mainly just managed it through music, slowly moving to music, tears, a healthy diet and my boyfriend and very close friends. I couldn't do shit, it was just about survival. This is three months since then and I've just started with all my self-management techniques. But I started my therapy about a month ago. I think we all find our own pace, and we should definitely just take things at the best we are comfortable with :). I think it sounds like you're in a good place in regards to treatment and working on yourself :) and it's great you have a trauma therapist who can help you through it :).

You're welcome :)! Good luck, it sounds like you are managing it well, it can only get better :).

 

[Daisy1234]

Yeah, I think today is a survival day. I cancelled my horse "therapy" appointment. I just "could not" go/. Freeze/numb mode I guess. Need to feel safe at home. VERY frustrating. I really want to heal. Unfortunately my therapist is booked for next week so I won't see her for about a week.

I appreciate your responses. You (along with many others on this site) are living proof that it can get better. I just need to do the work. Not today though. I just ":can't". Stress cup is full up.

When I texted my horse trainer to cancel, I also offered that maybe we should hold off scheduling more lessons until I'm fairly certain I can show up consistently. She said not to worry, that they are there for me when I need them, with a bunch of hearts and a horse head. I cried because it appears I'm getting unconditional acceptance and willingness to hang in there with me. (I cry at lots of stuff though) The cynical me can say they just want my money. I truly believe it is more than that because I genuinely believe they're just very kind, warm-hearted people that I should be grateful are in my life.