Undiagnosed Hi, Childhood Abuse Victim, Scared And Confused

[petal_picking_poet]

Hello, everyone.

I am honestly just awful at talking about myself and my feelings and am a little scared about the true anonymity of this post, but I am in a position in which I really need support, so I'll give it my best shot. I am a victim of severe childhood emotional abuse. The abuse ended in a very abrupt, public way which may have been more traumatic than the abuse itself. When my abuser died, another victim (directly related to me) and I were blamed for the death and shunned by half of our family and other victims who were not as understanding.

The other victim blamed for the death of the perpetrator has been regularly attending therapy and has been diagnosed with PTSD for which he/she is now being treated. While I have displayed similar symptoms and have had trouble dealing in the past, I was too stubborn and prideful to seek any sort of help. I dealt with nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, etc. with a lot of self-harm and alcohol.

Now, it seems like everything is crashing in on me. I am starting a relationship with my best friend. While he knows vague information about the trauma I've dealt with, he doesn't understand the ways it effects me and becomes easily upset by behavior I feel is a result of the trauma I've suffered. (Anything from self-harm to "zoning out" during arguments or when he is upset to being upset easily by "little things.") Furthermore, this new relationship is putting me in a position in which I have to spend more time communicating my thoughts and feelings, which I believe is making me more prone to nightmares and flashbacks. I am falling behind in schoolwork and am in financial trouble. I am so exhausted and tired of living in fear. I am not suicidal, but I know that if I had the choice to fall asleep and never wake up right now, I would take it.

I have finally decided to "man up" and schedule an appointment with my school's mental health services so that I can find out if, like the other victim, I am suffering from PTSD. I am nervous, and afraid. However, I realize that if I do not take this step I will never be able to function effectively in my relationship and run the risk of failing out of school. I hope that I am able to find some reassurance and support here. Thank you for reading this.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Petal-

I am glad you are going to explore your ptsd issues. It is the beginning of your healing journey. i too turned to alcohol and it caused more problems for me and for my family. I am 3 years sober. I just recently quit smoking cigarettes so I am not self medicating anymore.

You are doing the right thing trying to salvage your life and get it out of hock. I know you probably have alot of pain. I am sorry about the flashbacks. But with a good therapist that you feel safe talking to and mabe even some meds to stabalize you, you will get a measure of relief from your symptoms.

You did'nt go into alot of detail, so i hope the best for you. My heart goes out to you. You have alot going on, but at the same time you are full of courage, real courage is being afraid and doing it anyway. Please take good care of yourself as you go thru the new changes. Take care.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[starrynight]

Welcome to the Forum. It must be difficult having half the family blame you for something you had no part in. I feel badly that you are going through all of this.

I am relieved that you are thinking about therapy. From what I have learned in the Forum, it is very important that your therapist has a background in working with patients who have a history of trauma.

I wish you well.

starrynight

 

[intothelight]

Hi Petal,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. Seeking help is the first step towards healing, and I wish you the best as you continue to work towards this goal.

Debbie

 

[petal_picking_poet]

Thank you all for the warm welcome. I will try to be more open in the future; it is just a little terrifying to talk for the first time.

Right now I am struggling with my school to get the help that I need. It's terrifying enough to ask for help without adding all of this inconvenience and headache this is causing. :(

 

[woundedsoul]

Hello, Welcome to the group.

I have a traumatic death in my family too. My mother, when I was 20. It was very tragic, alcohol induced fight with my father which started after I was asked by my elder sister to call my mother and ask her to stop tormenting our younger sister. My mother pulled a knife out on my father and while he wrestled to get it out of her hand, his elbow slipped and he hit her on the side of the head. My mother ended up in a coma, had brain surgery, and died. She had a hematoma in her brain not from the elbow to the head, but from trying to stand a day or two after the fight and losing conciousness, falling, and hitting her head on the sharp edge of a bureau. We still own the bureau, or at least I think my sister does, and it horrifies me to look at it. Nobody blamed me or my sister, but I think we blamed ourselves.

I am sorry to hear of your horrific experience. Reaching out for help with therapy is very frightening. At least it was for me. As other's have said, I think it is very important that you try to find a therapist who specializes in trauma. They know what trauma does to people, therefore, they know to how to elicit traumatic memories very carefully so that you are not traumatized again.

I wish you luck and commend you for the courage to reach out, post here and most especially the courage to reach our to a therapist and start healing. In that there is tremendous courage and hope for healing. Best of luck.

 

[evergreen]

Petal Picking Poet,

I like your name :) I think you are doing a great job by going to your school's mental health services. Just by doing this for yourself, you are showing your inner child that someone is now caring for her.

The things you had to experience were horrific. I am so sorry. I wish you the best in your recovery and in your relationships. Maybe once you visit with a counselor, you will find a way to communicate what is going on with your boyfriend.

Healing wishes to you!

 

[petal_picking_poet]

Thank you both for your responses. =)

(((Woundedsoul))), thank you for sharing your story with me. The traumatic death in my family was also a parent. (I was only a few years younger than you were at the time.) It's tough to feel like things are your fault. I hope someday we'll both be able to stop blaming ourselves for things beyond our control.