Hi - Hold My Hand A While, I'm Scared Of You

[Helliepig]

I've been working on my dissociative symptoms for a few years, uncovered abuse from family members and strangers that went on from a baby . I am estranged from most of my family, for good reasons, and dumped my abusive ex husband 8 years ago!

I have big issues about trust, self esteem and panic about getting close to anyone, so desperately lonely at times ( even tho i have a good number of friends) because I feel there is noone there FOR ME, and this internal trauma tries to convince me there NEVER WILL BE
Now my therapy is bringing me close to the deepest layer of dissociated stuff and I'm spending my time walking around terrified, feeling there is nothing anywhere for me, feeling spacey and wierd and trapped and awful. Each day is a really big effort.
I know this must be part of me that felt this way as a child............... poor poor little thing.

Sometimes it seems too big and too impossible.They say you can heal this stuff, but right now that seems unbelievable!

I thought i would risk this forum as a place to try and connect with people who understand and have similar battles cos sometimes it hurts too much to be in the big people's world all the time and watch them with their families and quieter minds!!

Hoping to hear from you guys

Helliepig. xx

 

[intothelight]

Hi Helliepig,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. This forum is a great place for information about PTSD and ways to manage symptoms to live life more fully. But in my opinion the best part about this forum, is realizing you are not alone in your struggle and the support and understanding of other members.

I hope you find this a helpful place to be. Take care.
Debbie

 

[Srain]

Welcome to the Forum :)

I'm glad you found this site because there are a lot supportive people here and I've found myself identifying with various PTSD symptoms, much like what you described.This helps me not feel so alone on this road to recovery.

It sounds like you have been doing a lot of work, good for you! I hope you will continue to post anf d settle in.

Peace,
Rain

 

[Helliepig]

Hi Srain and thank you for the welcome! Big step this but I'm glad I've taken it x
H

 

[maddog]

Welcome Helliepig, and thank you for your honest introduction. Gosh, I could have written that myself, every word of it, somehow you captured exactly whereI feel I am at on this journey right now too, and i know it's a dark, frightening place. I'm glad you've found us now, maybe it was just meant to be. Please stay in touch.

Maddog

 

[AngelaMarie]

Welcome to the forum!!!:) It's great that you have reached out and allowed yourself the chance to get support!!:tup: I hope you like it here. This is where I come when I feel scared, alone, unworthy, etc.

 

[jo may]

Hi Helliepig and welcome to this forum:)

I have found it very helpful and a great support for me.

Take care and (((hugs)))
JM

 

[Helliepig]

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. It does help writing on here doesn't it, wow!
Every little helps
XX

 

[alleycat]

Hi Helliepig. *holds your hand -- if you still want*

 

[Helliepig]

Seeing my therapist today, doing EMDR on this dreadfully scary insanity producing stuff.
Couldn't get past the fear last time, all my "little children" were hiding in a hole too afraid to send me anything other than the fear so we gave them blankets and food and light and a prince to guard them and a horse and dog to cuddle, see if this week they will send me more than just the fear. I need to know guys, I need to know

 

[jo may]

Good luck Helliepig:)

 

[Helliepig]

Apparently I need to start grieving. At everything that was so wrong and painful for so long - and still is.

Ok, so I started last night by taking a child part within me that i habitually abandon and feel ashamed of, and brought her into a safe place we've created. I told her the past was over and it doesnt have to be that way anymore.

It seemed too simple at the time and a bit silly, a bit like trying stop the rain one drop at a time.

But today in our weekly meeting at work, where i often feel invalidated and unsupported (as an adult) and confused and upset (as a child) something felt different inside, like i could suddenly see the unfairness . Now i had the clarity and permission to protect that child part of me rather than, as usual, secretly agree with the attack.

I found myself telling this person, who thinks he is so professional and so right, that i felt unhappy with the way he spoke to me. This is someone who I have struggled with, feeling resentful and confused, and afraid of what he thought of me, like somehow he was my dad or something! NEVER would i have stood up to him before.
Shortly afterwards i found myself crying and he apologised. I didn't just cave in and say "don't worry it's just me", like I might have done before. My tears felt legitimate instead of shameful and not something I should apologise for or pretend hadn't happened.
It feels like I've put back some of the "stuff" where it belongs. With him.

Ok so it was wierd losing my usual control and being - eeeek!- emotional at work - but not in a bad way. It felt like a strength and a freedom in being "real".

And even if some of it was OTT - oh no!, my secret terror!- somehow it doesn't seem like the end of the world......permission to be human and imperfect?.....Somewhere inside, some little part of me had aroused my compassion and protection and the desire to protect it.

Growing up in a family where i was abused bullied, neglected and scapegoated by everyone, saying no to someone else's shit is a big thing !......Actually, now i mention it, a REALLY big thing.

And if telling someone "kind" about your feelings is a step forward in itself , telling someone "unkind" feels like a huge one!!!

baby steps, baby steps
H