Hi - Hold My Hand A While, I'm Scared Of You

[Helliepig]

It's almost addictive coming on here! I've done a lot of journalling but find this so much more effective - perhaps because knowing there are real people out there breaks some of the isolation. If you just write in your journal to yourself it feels like you're disappearing because the real world never comes in - sort it out as much as you like in your head, but it doesn't change how you feel out there, or the fact that noone wants to come in, or how difficult it feels doing things that other people take for granted - mattering to people, letting people close.

There is something that happens if I let people in too close, not got to the bottom of what it is yet. I kind of panic and have to trash everything, either that or I pick the wrong people and they are cruel all over again. If you can't be sure to pick good people you daren't pick anyone in case they treat you with dismissive, sneering, controlling mind games or abandonment. Even though I'm lonely the thought of having a man in my space puts me in a panic. I don't seem to have got any closer to working this one through yet.

I can't imagine how I'll ever fit into anyone's life. They've already got a family and a history and that makes me feel really insecure because I feel like I have neither. At the same time I can hold in my mind all the things I have done and achieved, but in one fell swoop that can feel meaningless at the same time..... really strange. Dissociation and fragmentation is a funny thing!

Dissociation does you a favour in protecting you but there's always" something else" to find, some other corner to turn, some "yes, but" ... and always something yet more traumatised and desolate inside that you can't quite get to. In another thread I've started to write through the traumas I've worked through to help process them all a bit more as they seem a bit unreal and disconnected to me - even though I've experienced them in therapy and KNOW they are me. Dissocation again. Very very wierd. Being several things all at the same time and yet none of them too. Leaves "you" as a big gaping hole somewhere in the middle.

I'm sure this doesn't make any sense but I needed to write it

Hx

 

[Deleted member 11177]

Hello Helliepig,

I just wanted to Hello and Im always here for you if you want to talk about anything.

Keith. :)

 

[maddog]

It all makes sense to me Helliepig, so either it makes sense, or we're both just crazy!!! I totally agree about the value in writing here as opposed to simple journalling. I am quite the writer, as you are, in case you hadn't gathered that!! Yet I don't find a lot of release in journalling thesedays. It is writing here, and converting my journal type writings into e-mails I send to my T for later discussion, that bring me the real human connection I find it very, very hard to establish or maintain in reality. That's ok though I guess, because that's why we're all here!

The whole issue of PTSD relationships is an endless source of discussion and the subject of many threads around here.

I think you write with a lot of insight and honesty, so keep it up hey!

MD

 

[Helliepig]

A nothing sort of day today again. Feel like crying and hiding. Can't even be bothered to care whether I'm part of life or not, and dreading another week out there in all it's pointlessness, even tho I know, once I get started, it will probably be ok, and I might even have good bits. It's an uphill - battle sort of day today. Scary to sit here and just flop it out but that is how I feel. Normally i have to try and work it out to explain it in case I sound like a loser, but stuff it, today, this is where I am!

 

[doglover]

Hi Helliepeg, and welcome. I can relate a lot to your initial post about trust and self-esteem, and the need to express your struggle with folks who can be understanding. It looks like you're already seeing how warmly welcoming this place is. I hope you can find some peace.

 

[ms spock]

I am estranged from most of my family, for good reasons,

Me Too!
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

I have big issues about trust, self esteem and panic about getting close to anyone, so desperately lonely at times ( even tho i have a good number of friends) because I feel there is noone there FOR ME, and this internal trauma tries to convince me there NEVER WILL BE

I am really been struggling with this lately. I feel so alone. So terribly alone. I relate to your post.
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

I've been working on my dissociative symptoms for a few years,

Any hints on what you have been doing to work on your dissociative symptoms would be great, if you get the time, Hellipig.

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

Now my therapy is bringing me close to the deepest layer of dissociated stuff and I'm spending my time walking around terrified, feeling there is nothing anywhere for me, feeling spacey and wierd and trapped and awful. Each day is a really big effort. I know this must be part of me that felt this way as a child............... poor poor little thing.

Yes poor, poor little thing! Indeed poor, poor little thing!

It is amazing you survived Hellipig.

I feel there is nothing for me anywhere either. It is such a relief to read that someone else feels that.

I do spend time walking around in a complete fantasy world, feeling weird, spacy, trapped and generally awful.
To have felt that way as a child would have been too dangerous. So the disassociative states are so hard as an adult to deal with but it kept us alive. It is amazing what we do to protect ourselves.

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

This makes perfect sense to me Hellipig,

I think knowing real people are there does break some of the isolation. It also means you get to see you are not alone in the feeling of not belonging to any people or place. It lets you know that your feelings to child abuse are shared by some other survivors. Validation, being seen and being heard are so important to me. I crave that primal primate belonging stuff with every cell in my body.

Letting people get close is so much energy and working it all out. Other people do take it forgranted that mattering to people and letting people close can be such a challenge.

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

I can't imagine how I'll ever fit into anyone's life. They've already got a family and a history and that makes me feel really insecure because I feel like I have neither. At the same time I can hold in my mind all the things I have done and achieved, but in one fell swoop that can feel meaningless at the same time..... really strange. Dissociation and fragmentation is a funny thing!

Disassociation and fragmentation are funny things indeed. It is hard to hold a whole picture or even part of the picture - to keep it and see it. It is so hard.

I feel like I am really nothing. I feel like I belong no where to no one and I find your comments and insights comforting my rumpled heart.

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

I've started to write through the traumas I've worked through to help process them all a bit more as they seem a bit unreal and disconnected to me - even though I've experienced them in therapy and KNOW they are me...Leaves "you" as a big gaping hole somewhere in the middle.

Your self and your experiences seeming unreal and disconnected to you is so familiar and yet so strange. I, too, am a gaping hole.

Your honesty is refreshing.
ms spock