Sufferer Hi- I Am Not Very Good At The Moment.

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I have recently been diagnosed with ptsd after I was raped 8 years ago. Having pushed the thoughts and emotions of the traumatic experience away, now that I have to speak about it in therapy it feels very fresh. I just don't want to think or talk about it.

I did something disgusting a few days ago. I cheated on the only man I have ever loved. I feel soo bad I have been thinking about suicide. I feel like I raped my relationship. I'm so disgusted with my self. I was very drunk. I know that's no excuse.

After I sobbed like a child it reminded me so much if the rape. There were flash backs. I'm a whore and I deserve to fell like this

 

[atthree]

What give me strength is the little steps of forgiving. PS: Watching the Olympics now and the commercial even speaks of small steps

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Thank you @atthree I appreciate the advice xx

 

[franciemarnie]

When you are drunk, certain parts of your brain go dark and other parts light up. Its unpredictable and you can't control it. So actually that is probably the reason you cheated. If you were sober now and still thought it was a great idea that you cheated, that would be another story.

You got drunk. You did the wrong thing. Maybe don't get loaded anymore. Alcohol really messes with a PTSD brain.

Give yourself a break.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

@franciemarnie Thank you for your reply. I feel really terrible about it. I don't think I should tell him (my bf) i
Would make me feel better and break his heart. I wouldn't want to know if it was the other way round. I don't usually drink I think it's a sober life for me from now on. Xx

 

[nomedic1]

You need to tell him otherwise the guilt will grow inside of you like a cancer.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Would you want to know @nomedic1 if your partner cheated? Could you forgive? If he can't I don't think I could carry on living he is the only good thing in my life. I don't want to tell him for solely selfish reasons just so I have a clean conscience. You know? Xx

 

[nomedic1]

I would want to know, better you tell than he finds out somehow, if he truly loves you he will forgive you

 

[Echo]

@NoWhereKnowWhere - I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad and for what you have gone through. I would really suggest though that you slow down and don't rush into telling your boyfriend just yet. I do think you need some help first. Do you have a therapist who could help you with this? Maybe he/she could help you work towards doing whatever you need to stop whatever caused you to do this in the first place. It would help your relationship if you could tell your boyfriend why and what you are doing or have done to resolve it. You may well lose him temporarily or permanently. None of us can say. But I agree that relationships are based on honesty and trust and it will eat away at you if you don't tell. I just think you need to make sure you can cope with the potential consequences when you do. Don't do this on your own; you are not in the right frame of mind and you don't sound like you have the right resources yet to cope.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I am seeing my psychologist on Friday. I think I will wait to speak to him before I do anything. Xx thank you everyone for your replies

 

[intothelight]

Hi NoWhereKnowWhere,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

Seeing a psychologist before you do anything is a really good idea. Sometimes people do things to sabotage the good things in their life, especially if they question their own self worth. Perhaps it was alcohol, perhaps something else, or the combination, but you owe it to yourself and your relationship to figure it out.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial.

Debbie

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Thank you Debbie
I told him I couldn't not as soon as I saw him I knew I has to. I'm in hospital at the moment. Not doing too great. Xxx