isitmyfualt
New Here
So i'm hoping this website will help me through the long journy of recovery. I will just go ahead and tell my whole story as it is a long one. I have had some of the worst luck in the world! Lemme just get straight to the point.
My life was perfect and I was happy until about age 9. My dad has M.S. and it took a turn for the worse around 4th grade. We were living near Chicago and I went to a public school with my brother. We had only one friend and everyone else rejected/hated us. I was called names, kids threw trash at me, and I was even cornered and beat up one time. Of course the school couldn't give a shit about it about it and wouldn't put a stop to it. I was punched by a 16 year old when I was 9 when we were playing out in the snow. I didn't talk to my parents much about it because I didn't want to worry them. As I said my dad was severly sick and the attention was on him. We were all super stressed so no one really got along. My parents fought alot and I took up stealing and lying.
Soon it got too bad for him to work so we moved closer to family in southern Indiana. We moved into a tiny trailer and we honestly could hardly fit in there with all of our stuff. Both parents were out of work so my dad applied for disability. (for those of you who don't know, it's hard to be accepted into this and is a LONG process) My dad was so sick it was only a matter of months before he got his first check. The local church would bring us boxes of food and my pants were too short. We were all miserable, angry, and irritable 24/7. My parents fought day and night, mostly in front of us. Multiplr times they told us they were going to get a divorce. Luckily we lived next door to a girl my age and we soon became good friends. I would escape to her house every night I could so I didn't have to hear the pain in our home. My parents trusted her parents and didn't question why I was there so often. At this point my dad became a monster. He was now in a wheelchair or walking with a cane. All he ever said was either yelled or hatfully spat at us. I was only ten when I started to hate my dad.
I was at my friends house one night that her mother was out of town. I didn't think anything of it, besides her mom's boyfriend was there so I didnt tell my parents anything about her mom being away for the night. I was there all day already so I decided I would stay the night. We were playing charades in the front living room and we were out of soda so her "stepdad" got us some fresh ones. Not even caring it was opened I drank it down and felt blackness engulfing me.
When I woke up, I was naked, in pain, and had blood on me. I looked around trying to remember how I got here or even where I was. I relised I was in my friend's mom's room. I sat up feeling pain shoot all over me. my limbs were sore and I had bite marks on my chest and tummy. I was really confused at the time and tried to piece together all the events of the night before. Thinking my friend would know, I got out of the bed and put my clothes on. I saw my panties were just shreds now so I put them in my pocket. I walked out the room and saw my friend's "stepdad"(lets call him Fred) was sitting on the couch in his underwear watching "Dog The Bounty Hunter". He looked away and saw me sitting there. I asked him what had happened and why I was naked. I vaguely knew what sex was so I had an idea of what happened. Fred looked at me and told me, "you know exaclty what happened." He got up and quickly pinned me by my neck to the wall with his arm. I started to cry and tried to tell him to stop, but I was too scared to talk. He said, "you tell anyone what happened and I will burn down your house with your whole family inside." With that I gathered my things and went to my friend's room. She was asleep and fully clothed. I told her I was feeling sick and was going home. It was still pretty early when I got home and I was thankful I didn't have to face anyone. I took a shower with the hottest water possible. I saw bruises, bite marks, and scraches all over me. I was sore everywhere but it was nothing compared to the pain inside my heart.
From that day on I was subject to "Fred's" pleasure. Every chance he got to touch me or hurt me he would take it. He forced me over to his house when it was just him and made me do horrible things. He would hit me,choke me,pinch me, burn me, really anything to hurt me. I was 10 and made to suck him off. I felt used, powerless, and worthless. He told me I made him do it, that I was a cock-tease. I had no control over anything anymore. I was too scared to tell anyone and no one would have suspected. One day I had enough and went to "confront" him. He beat me black and blue then anally raped me. That was his last horrah but the threat was still there. All through my torment and abuse I would do anything to hurt myself. I didn't have emotions anymore and I could only feel and cry with physical pain.
Not long after that I started a new school, I was accepted more. I soon ruined it though. I made up lies to get attention. I wanted someone to help me without me saying I was abused. I was so scared of what would happen to me if I told. I think the only reason I had friends was because I acted so crazy. I soon made a new friend though. That friend was alcohol. I made some older friends who would sneak me the stuff. I would go home and wait till late at night and drink till I couldn't move. I was drinking more and more each time and soon developed a habit. I started smoking cigs then moved up to weed. I would give older guys bjs to get my fix. Soon that wasn't enough.
We moved into a new home a few miles away but I still didn't feel safe. I started dealing and stealing. I had an older boyfriend, he waqs 17 and I was 13. We did everything but actual sex. We also did meth, pills, acid, pretty much whatever we could get. He soon discovered how to make meth and I helped. We sold to people but soon got into some trouble with aqnother dealer. He hired us to work for him. I didn't know his real name till years later. We broke into house, stole from stores, delt drugs, and made them. Soon my boyfriend cheated and then our dealer friend cut me off.
My dad was starting to get better and we moved to Louisiana for him to get a new job. I had no connections to drugs and went through terrible withdrawls. I discovered some new people in town soon enough though. Finally after 4 years I told my family I was molested. I went into shock, freaked out. I went to 2 mental hospitals trying to get better but I was still in so much pain. I had over the years been cutting and tried to kill myself twice.
I thought I could fix it all if I was on my own so I ran away from home. Not even an hour later I was raped by a 30 year old stranger. I at first tried to fight back, he said he liked it so I just took it and cried. I was kicked out and I was too ashamed to go home. I felt like I deserved it, after all I did walk into his house. I started walking down the road and thought I would hitch hike. Soon a man stopped and I hopped in. I told him I was 19 (14 at the time) and said I was running away from life. He didn't seem to care and started driving and talking. I was in the car with him for 30 minutes but only remember 3 sentances. "Some people don't know how to drive a stolen car" (yep he stole it) "You sure don't look 19 but I want to help you" The most important sentance was cut short in my mind, "my name is........" and its gone. No idea who he was. I told him I was 14 and just raped. He asked what he could do for help, so I said I needede somewhere to stay. He had me get down so no one would see and drove to his apartment. He snuck me inside since I was so young it didn't look very good. Once inside he was nice and caring. He told me he was sorry sor what happened and would help in any way he could. He went and bought me some food and clothes while I took a bath. When he got back we ate, smoked, and talked. I didn't relise his hand was steadily creeping up my leg. I asked him to stop when he gave me this look and said, "no one tells me to stop." He then raped me twice all while I just laied there in silence , crying. He fell asleep soon and it became dark. I was scared and couldn't sleep next to someone who just raped me. I missed my mom and felt bad for leaving her. I knew I had to get home. I woke him up and demanded I went home. He was mad and started to yell. I thought quick and told him I "loved" the sex and just miss my mom. I convinced him I was into it all along, I had no idea what he would have done if I hadn't done that. He soon took me to a hospital where I ran in and spilled the beans.
There is sadly more to the story but I'm sure people stopped halfway in this since it is like a book! sorry just needed to get it out. I am almost 17 now, I still struggle with addiction, cutting, sex, and depression. I am hoping to one day stand up and lead other people ,who have been through rape and abuse, to happiness! thanks for reading!
My life was perfect and I was happy until about age 9. My dad has M.S. and it took a turn for the worse around 4th grade. We were living near Chicago and I went to a public school with my brother. We had only one friend and everyone else rejected/hated us. I was called names, kids threw trash at me, and I was even cornered and beat up one time. Of course the school couldn't give a shit about it about it and wouldn't put a stop to it. I was punched by a 16 year old when I was 9 when we were playing out in the snow. I didn't talk to my parents much about it because I didn't want to worry them. As I said my dad was severly sick and the attention was on him. We were all super stressed so no one really got along. My parents fought alot and I took up stealing and lying.
Soon it got too bad for him to work so we moved closer to family in southern Indiana. We moved into a tiny trailer and we honestly could hardly fit in there with all of our stuff. Both parents were out of work so my dad applied for disability. (for those of you who don't know, it's hard to be accepted into this and is a LONG process) My dad was so sick it was only a matter of months before he got his first check. The local church would bring us boxes of food and my pants were too short. We were all miserable, angry, and irritable 24/7. My parents fought day and night, mostly in front of us. Multiplr times they told us they were going to get a divorce. Luckily we lived next door to a girl my age and we soon became good friends. I would escape to her house every night I could so I didn't have to hear the pain in our home. My parents trusted her parents and didn't question why I was there so often. At this point my dad became a monster. He was now in a wheelchair or walking with a cane. All he ever said was either yelled or hatfully spat at us. I was only ten when I started to hate my dad.
I was at my friends house one night that her mother was out of town. I didn't think anything of it, besides her mom's boyfriend was there so I didnt tell my parents anything about her mom being away for the night. I was there all day already so I decided I would stay the night. We were playing charades in the front living room and we were out of soda so her "stepdad" got us some fresh ones. Not even caring it was opened I drank it down and felt blackness engulfing me.
When I woke up, I was naked, in pain, and had blood on me. I looked around trying to remember how I got here or even where I was. I relised I was in my friend's mom's room. I sat up feeling pain shoot all over me. my limbs were sore and I had bite marks on my chest and tummy. I was really confused at the time and tried to piece together all the events of the night before. Thinking my friend would know, I got out of the bed and put my clothes on. I saw my panties were just shreds now so I put them in my pocket. I walked out the room and saw my friend's "stepdad"(lets call him Fred) was sitting on the couch in his underwear watching "Dog The Bounty Hunter". He looked away and saw me sitting there. I asked him what had happened and why I was naked. I vaguely knew what sex was so I had an idea of what happened. Fred looked at me and told me, "you know exaclty what happened." He got up and quickly pinned me by my neck to the wall with his arm. I started to cry and tried to tell him to stop, but I was too scared to talk. He said, "you tell anyone what happened and I will burn down your house with your whole family inside." With that I gathered my things and went to my friend's room. She was asleep and fully clothed. I told her I was feeling sick and was going home. It was still pretty early when I got home and I was thankful I didn't have to face anyone. I took a shower with the hottest water possible. I saw bruises, bite marks, and scraches all over me. I was sore everywhere but it was nothing compared to the pain inside my heart.
From that day on I was subject to "Fred's" pleasure. Every chance he got to touch me or hurt me he would take it. He forced me over to his house when it was just him and made me do horrible things. He would hit me,choke me,pinch me, burn me, really anything to hurt me. I was 10 and made to suck him off. I felt used, powerless, and worthless. He told me I made him do it, that I was a cock-tease. I had no control over anything anymore. I was too scared to tell anyone and no one would have suspected. One day I had enough and went to "confront" him. He beat me black and blue then anally raped me. That was his last horrah but the threat was still there. All through my torment and abuse I would do anything to hurt myself. I didn't have emotions anymore and I could only feel and cry with physical pain.
Not long after that I started a new school, I was accepted more. I soon ruined it though. I made up lies to get attention. I wanted someone to help me without me saying I was abused. I was so scared of what would happen to me if I told. I think the only reason I had friends was because I acted so crazy. I soon made a new friend though. That friend was alcohol. I made some older friends who would sneak me the stuff. I would go home and wait till late at night and drink till I couldn't move. I was drinking more and more each time and soon developed a habit. I started smoking cigs then moved up to weed. I would give older guys bjs to get my fix. Soon that wasn't enough.
We moved into a new home a few miles away but I still didn't feel safe. I started dealing and stealing. I had an older boyfriend, he waqs 17 and I was 13. We did everything but actual sex. We also did meth, pills, acid, pretty much whatever we could get. He soon discovered how to make meth and I helped. We sold to people but soon got into some trouble with aqnother dealer. He hired us to work for him. I didn't know his real name till years later. We broke into house, stole from stores, delt drugs, and made them. Soon my boyfriend cheated and then our dealer friend cut me off.
My dad was starting to get better and we moved to Louisiana for him to get a new job. I had no connections to drugs and went through terrible withdrawls. I discovered some new people in town soon enough though. Finally after 4 years I told my family I was molested. I went into shock, freaked out. I went to 2 mental hospitals trying to get better but I was still in so much pain. I had over the years been cutting and tried to kill myself twice.
I thought I could fix it all if I was on my own so I ran away from home. Not even an hour later I was raped by a 30 year old stranger. I at first tried to fight back, he said he liked it so I just took it and cried. I was kicked out and I was too ashamed to go home. I felt like I deserved it, after all I did walk into his house. I started walking down the road and thought I would hitch hike. Soon a man stopped and I hopped in. I told him I was 19 (14 at the time) and said I was running away from life. He didn't seem to care and started driving and talking. I was in the car with him for 30 minutes but only remember 3 sentances. "Some people don't know how to drive a stolen car" (yep he stole it) "You sure don't look 19 but I want to help you" The most important sentance was cut short in my mind, "my name is........" and its gone. No idea who he was. I told him I was 14 and just raped. He asked what he could do for help, so I said I needede somewhere to stay. He had me get down so no one would see and drove to his apartment. He snuck me inside since I was so young it didn't look very good. Once inside he was nice and caring. He told me he was sorry sor what happened and would help in any way he could. He went and bought me some food and clothes while I took a bath. When he got back we ate, smoked, and talked. I didn't relise his hand was steadily creeping up my leg. I asked him to stop when he gave me this look and said, "no one tells me to stop." He then raped me twice all while I just laied there in silence , crying. He fell asleep soon and it became dark. I was scared and couldn't sleep next to someone who just raped me. I missed my mom and felt bad for leaving her. I knew I had to get home. I woke him up and demanded I went home. He was mad and started to yell. I thought quick and told him I "loved" the sex and just miss my mom. I convinced him I was into it all along, I had no idea what he would have done if I hadn't done that. He soon took me to a hospital where I ran in and spilled the beans.
There is sadly more to the story but I'm sure people stopped halfway in this since it is like a book! sorry just needed to get it out. I am almost 17 now, I still struggle with addiction, cutting, sex, and depression. I am hoping to one day stand up and lead other people ,who have been through rape and abuse, to happiness! thanks for reading!
