Hi, I'm A Bad Buddy....or At Least, I Feel Like One

[BadBuddy]

I have a long time friend who's counselor has diagnosed her with PTSD. When I read about the symptoms, I can certainly see his point. She has them all.. The source of her PTSD doesn't seem to be one of the classics like violence, war, or abuse unless there is something she hasn't shared with me, but she clearly is experiencing the effects.

She's had some pretty crappy things happen in her life - cancer, divorce, lots of family members dying, getting into debt and having to live in someone's guest room for a year, a bad rental situation when she got her next house, etc. It's hard for me to tell which of these may be causes and which may be effects of PTSD, and it's becoming VERY hard for me to tell when I should just listen, sympathise and suport versus giving her feedback on her behavior. On the one hand, I understand that sometimes just being able to let your feelings out, no matter how little sense they make, is theraputic On the other hand, I see her repeatedly thinking and behaving in ways that just aren't going to come out well, and I wonder if I'm letting her down by not telling her what my concerns are. I'm hoping that some of you folks who are dealing with PTSD yourselves or with family members who have it can help me understand better and perhaps be of more help.

Thanks!

BB

 

[Emilie]

Hey there,

It's a little hard to answer your question. Speaking for myself, I know that when I'm confronted, I don't want to hear about it. It makes me either dissociate myself from the conversation (most often), other times it can send me into a temporary rage and/or a prolonged depression. It aggravates my PTSD. Try to just listen and be supportive if you can handle it. The behavior isn't going to change by miracle, it's ingrained on her at this point whether she recognizes it or not. Retraining someone with PTSD is like teaching someone to walk again. You can't just stand them up and insist that they walk. You have to work on muscle memory first, and then take it one step at a time.

Stick around here, there's a lot of vital information from great people here.

 

[BadBuddy]

Hi, Emilie. Thanks for the reply. I have a question. Does any disagreement count as confrontation? Is somthing like, "I'm not sure that's going to work" or "What do you think he should have done instead?" off limits? I have been listening to her for about ten years, keeping my opinions out of it and just trying to be a listening ear. But I am starting to fear that by not giving her any hint that some of what she's saying seems skewed and improbable, I'm giving her the idea that I agree and thus encouraging her to continue in patterns that cause her more problems. :(

Thanks for any thoughts you have on the issue.

BB

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the forum Bad Buddy!

First I would like to throw in that you are absolutely NOT a bad buddy. You are there for your friend and trying to figure out the best way to help her.

As far as an answer to your question goes, I would say that it depends... Aren't the "it depends" answers the most helpful (insert strong sarcasm)??? One of the things that it depends on is in what kind of place your friend is at a given time. If she's doing ok, some kind, supportive, and encouraging questions can be helpful. If she, however, is not feeling strong enough even the most gentle questions can lead to a tailspin. Another thing it depends on is how reactive your friend is? If she extremely reactive and fly into a rage, it could do more harm to your friendship. If she is an extreme internalizer, like I am, she could take it as severe criticism and a fact (instead of an opinion) and fall into Emilie's above mentioned depression.

Taking all of these thoughts (and more) into consideration, however, my general preference from my friends and helpers and therapist is complete honesty. Holding back your concern can also hurt your friendship and the trust between you two. It does not sound like you are going to criticize or put down your friend. Maybe you could start by asking a basic question, like how she thinks you could help her the best. She may not be able to answer the question immediately, so giving her some options might help.

Depending on how she answers, you can let her take the lead. You do not need to play her therapist. Being a friend is completely different. You cannot possibly know what certain things could lead to. Simply worrying about her and just listening might not always be realistic.

Plus you have to remember to take care of yourself. You also have needs and in theory in a friendship the caring needs to go both ways. At times, one can do more giving than the other, but no friendship can handle the giving going only in one direction all of the time. That's not healthy for the carer or the person with PTSD. You are important, too... So keep that in mind. I suspect that the carer section can provide you with lots of ideas as well...

Take care!