Undiagnosed Hi, My Name Is Adam

[Ironheadbutt]

All I ever wanted was to have a family of my own (wife and kids) and to be a pro wrestler. I married my high school sweetheart. My now ex-wife had an abortion 11 years ago. I fought tooth and nail to get her to just put the baby up for adoption. I stayed with her because I loved her. Just writing that makes me sick to my stomach. She later cheated on me with my pro wrestling trainer who I thought was my friend. After the divorce I was highly suicidal. It took a couple years but I fully got over the suicidal thoughts and always being angry. I hid the abortion from my parents all these years until recently fearing that they would hate me for it. I felt and still feel guilty for staying with her.

I have tried numerous times to move on and get into relationships but I always self-sabotage. Anxiety and trust issues always ruin things. I recently was in a relationship with a wonderful woman and me constantly needing her to reassure me that she loved me got to be overbearing. I'm 30 now no family to call my own and fear that I'll never achieve that goal.

I thought I could heal the rest of me by myself. I didn't know that there was such a thing as non-combat P.T.S.D. as insensitive as that may be it never crossed my mind. I only recently even started researching help. I found various articles about how some men who have fought and lost to give their child a chance have developed P.T.S.D. I know abortion is a hot button issue I'm not looking to get political. I'm just stating my story and my findings.

I was told talking about these things will make things easier to deal with. I'm not the most social guy in the world. I tend to avoid interacting with people I don't know or trust. Sometimes the people I know are the ones that I trust the least due to my past.

 

[Nikie]

Hallo Adam welcome on this forum i know you will get the support you need here ... Just hang in there and you can trust people around here ... They all were hurt or still are hurting ... Yes talking about it will make it better good luck

 

[Friday]

The vast majority of PTSD stems from non-combat sources; rape, childhood sexual assault, child abuse & neglect, natural disasters, MVAs, first response, kidnapping, torture, hostage situations, etc. AKA CriterionA events.

While just about any event or stressor can trigger pre-existing PTSD to crash to the forefront, it takes a CriterionA level Trauma to form PTSD in the first place. More on that here :) https://www.myptsd.com/threads/ptsd-diagnosis.87466/.

Do you have CritA trauma in your history? If not, that's good news, as many -if not most- of the disorders & conditions that share symptoms with PTSD are curable, while PTSD -though treatable- isn't.

 

[intothelight]

@Ironheadbutt Welcome!

It is important to see a mental health profession when symptoms disrupt daily life to an extended degree. A diagnosis lets a person know what it wrong, but more importantly, it gives them the information and options for what they need to do to make it better.

 

[Ironheadbutt]

@Ironheadbutt Welcome!

It is important to see a mental health profession when...

I've already set up a doctors appointment for next week. In the middle of moving right now to be closer to work. I'm tired of fighting against whatever I have alone. It'll be my first doctors appointment since I was 15 other than emergency room visits and physical therapy when I got hurt at work. I want to thank everyone for being so nice and helpful.

 

[Mel (Hippo256)]

I think it's really good of you that you're talking about this and seeking help. Writing/typing about it can be easier than talking and the people on this forum usually have experience with PTSD (either as sufferer, supporter or professional), so you don't get bothered with stigmas and unhelpful sayings people (unintentionally) do.

I hope your doctor's appointment will go well. A diagnosis can be helpful to get help and treatment. I always used to not go to the doctor, but now I have a lot of catching up to do. That's ok, as long as you have a nice pcp/gp who understands you.