Sufferer Hi, New Here & Kind Of Lost ( Ptsd From Domestic Violence).

[alanagwinner]

Thank you everyone, so so so much! I am so grateful and appreciative for finding this site, to be able to talk to people who understand or have a better understanding of me.

My husband is also going through therapy and is trying to get himself in a better state as well.
He finally allowed me back on twitter. I announced what has been going on with me there & on my Facebook. The outpouring of support on both sites has been very positive.

It makes me relieved I have so many people I can talk to. Though I still have a fear of talking to my husband about everything, fear of his reactions. Which maybe someday I won't have that any more...

But from the bottom of my heart, thank you. We're here for each other.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)

 

[alanagwinner]

Does anyone have any suggestions, I don't know how to communicate with my husband. We're having issues in our marriage & whenever we talk I feel like he's just pressuring me for answers and badgering me, I get defensive. I feel like I can't talk to him. He has his own issues & I have mine, I feel we need to work on ourselves before we can work on our marriage & he doesn't get that. I can't be totally affectionate to him, if I do he'll just badger me for answers with where I am at and where we are at. I don't know what to do.

 

[nomedic1]

You are doing the right thing you both have to fix yourselves before you can hope to try and fix the marriage.

 

[alanagwinner]

My husband has diagnosed w/bad OCD on Monday. He's getting medication. I opened up to someone else and he found out. I didn't physically do anything with the other person, it was just emotional-he understood me/easy to talk to. Husband found out, trying to build up trust again. Things aren't good. The other guy, has now hurt me. I'm just hurt all over, I don't know what to do/think. Ugh. I shouldn't have talked to anyone of the opposite sex while vulnerable. I was wrong, I know. I don't feel like my husband does understand me, he's not easy to talk to. I'm still going to therapy, next one is Friday. I'm so confused and am so angry with myself. I've just cried all day today :(

 

[nomedic1]

I'm sorry to hear that, I don't see how talking to somebody should get such an aggressive response.
Dry those tears alanagwinner you are strong and with us behind you, you can do anything.

 

[Dennis # 121]

Hi and WELCOME

 

[circe47]

Hi Alana-

I've been where you are. I spent 18 years with two different men who controlled me. One day, fortunately for me, I realized that nobody had a right to "allow" me to to anything. To accept this notion is to accept slavery. Another issue with these types of relationships is that these controlling people also easily flip it around to say that you "made" them do this or that as if you have some sort of supernatural ability to crawl inside their head like a vampire to compel them to behave in certain ways- i.e. hit you, follow you, remove your "privileges" to socialize.....

Geez.....I wish I could control others like my controllers did to me or said I did to them. I'd be a millionaire by now. See how silly it is to say that your husband "allowed" or "let" you do anything?

 

[alanagwinner]

It's been awhile since I have been on here. Things have been really bad. I have really bad boundary issues due to my abuse and I am trying to work through it in therapy.

Last Friday, 10/11, my husband logged into my icloud (backup on iphone's) and found some text messages that I didn't want him to see. Texts with my girlfriends as well as a couple guys. He got so upset at me, he punched a hole through our childrens' bedroom wall and broke his hand, he got right in my face and screamed obscenities at me and that he hated me. This was all in front of the children. He keeps justifying that I made him do that because of the text messages he found.

He doesn't understand how that has affected me--I am SO scared. All of my friends are telling me I need to leave him. My therapist provided me the phone number to a safe house. I don't know what to do. I did take out a loan against my 401K so I can move out and get my own place, but I don't know if that's the right decision to make. My husband has apologized, said he loves me, said he'll change, said that I'm "worth it" to work on our marriage.

But I can't help but have this fear. I have been afraid of his reactions for a long time. I know as a married woman I shouldn't have talked to anyone else or gone down that path. Our marriage is crumbling. I'm not getting the attention/satisfaction. I know I'm a work in progress. A lot of the issues we have are my fault. I don't know what to do.

 

[alanagwinner]

I am just so sad. My husband claims I have a chemical imbalance and has nothing to do with him. No one understands me. I feel so alone. :(

 

[ill]

Your husband is a grown man and you didn't make him do anything. How he can blame HIS decision to punch a fudging wall on YOUR alleged "chemical imbalance" is beyond me. That's not how those things work.

This is unjustifiable behaviour. It's not acceptable, it's not okay, and your feelings are completely reasonable and valid. Of course you're scared! Your husband did a freaking scary thing and instead of owning up and taking responsibility, he's attempting to blame you. That is bullshit, full stop. If he was seeking to understand and explain his behaviour in the sense of trying to discover his triggers so that he could make sure he never, ever puts you in this situation again, that would be a very different story but that's not what he's doing. He's blaming you because it's easy and convenient - if it's your responsibility, he doesn't have to do a darn thing to alter his behaviour, to apologize, to regain your trust (and your children's), to make amends. He doesn't have to do anything except tell you it's all your fault and you need to change your behaviour to suit him. That's not how healthy relationships work.

You are worth it, and I'm sorry, but right now I'm absolutely not buying that a lot of the issues you two have are your fault. How often are you being blamed for his feelings, his actions, his choices? They are HIS, they are not yours. Your feelings, your actions, your choices you are responsible for but not his. And no matter what mistakes you've made (and we have ALL made mistakes), you do not deserve to be threatened with physical violence, which is what he is doing.

You are definitely worth it, but it's not just work on the marriage he needs to do, it's a whole lot of work on himself. He needs to learn some gosh darned self-awareness for a start, some healthy boundaries, some responsibility. He needs to learn to love you in a way that feels like love to you. You deserve to experience romantic love that isn't scary, where you don't have to be afraid to be yourself with your loved one.

ETA: As for leaving, that's a decision that only you can make. Only you know what's right for you. If you do leave, please seek some advice on how to do so safely and ask trusted friends for assistance. Either way, please think about what you want and need. What would be your ideal resolution? What do you want your life to look like? Sometimes it helps to start with a picture of what you want, to figure out what your priorities are, and then to figure out how to make it happen.

 

[alanagwinner]

He's blamed me a lot for his actions, tries to say "for every action you do causes me to react this way" and I've tried telling him before that his reactions scare me. I've told him that since I've been going to therapy. Throughout our relationship he's tried to control me--who I talked to, what I wore, how I acted. And now I've betrayed his trust. I was not happy with him, I haven't been for awhile. I shouldn't have strayed. In the past we'd get in huge fights and I'd try to tell him how I felt about it, he'd interrupt me, he'd apologize say he loves me. But he'd never change. And now, it's almost been a week since and I have been crying every day. I'm living in fear of him and I hate it. I try to pretend I'm ok for my kids, but I'm not.

A couple weeks ago the kids were visiting their grandparents while we went to a concert and then this beer festival. At the concert, someone that I had gotten close to was there, a guy. I walked towards a group of people for meet & greets of one of the bands, this other guy was in that group--I honestly did not see him. My husband runs up to me, yells at me "I don't want to see your F-ing face! I don't want to see your F-ing face!" and ran off, tried saying he'd find a ride home. The next day at the beer festival we went with one of my good girlfriends. He had her phone and the same other guy I had gotten close to (nothing physical, it was all emotional--he was someone that listened to me because my husband wouldn't) had text'd my girlfriend and my husband took it upon himself to text the guy back and go through my girlfriend's phone.

These situations were my fault. I feel so broken down. I'm not strong enough for this.