Hi. New. So Afraid Of Losing More People, I Push Everyone Away.

[C S]

My dad was physically abusive to my mother. Mentally abusive to me. He would beat her in front of me and even made me say goodbye to her once while holding a gun to her head and telling me I'd never see her again. She left him when I was 4, I haven't seen him since... But I still can not get the images of these instances out of my head. I've have reoccuring nightmares for my whole life about this. I've been afraid of people since forever.

My mom got remarried when I was in the 4th grade. Her husband murdered her when I was 15. I had to spend the whole day with him after he'd killed her. He then killed himself.

Then I had to go live with my grandmother. She died suddenly when I was 18 of cancer that she didn't know she had.

I feel like I can't escape losing people. I push my husband away because it seems easier to lose people on my terms than go through anything tragic.

I'm terrified of something happening to my son, I can't stop pleading with God not to let anything happen to him... I wish I could get past this fear but I don't know if I ever will :(

 

[Prettysmile]

CS,

I am so sorry for your lost of your loved ones. Thank you for joining the forum. You will find some strength here. You say that you keep pleading with God so that nothing will happen to your son. I am soo happy to hear you believe in God. I am a woman of very strong faith. The one thing you must remember if you believe in God is that : if your going to pray, why worry? If your going to worry, why Pray? The main point behind that qoute is you simply have to trust in God. Your son will be fine. Think positive thoughts and positive thoughts will manifest. Through every pain somehow rains a blessing. I empathize with what you've been through. But turn it into a positive if you can. Use your strength to help motivate those in similar situations as you. You can probably do that on this forum. Keep praying, keep opening up and take this a day at a time. Your not alone. Welcome.

 

[TigerPride]

C S,
Prettysmile is right....I know it's hard though, if they gave medals away for worrying, I'd bring home the gold....I understand the fear of something happening to your son, part of that is normal Mom reaction, yours is just more hightened due to what you have experienced in your life....All you can do is pray, trust God, and enjoy life with your precious son.:)

 

[PTSD sufferer]

CS,

What a horrific story! I am so sorry that you experienced this trauma and loss. But, I am glad that you found this forum.

When I first found this forum, the anonymity as well as the advice and support was really wonderful. I could talk openly without worrying about how people would view me, and I found that I was not alone - we all have so much in common when it comes to trauma and our emotional reactions to those traumas. There is a huge amount of understanding here and, if your pushing away and guarding from others is anything like mine, the anonymity will help you come out of your shell and start talking and addressing your worries.

I have had to learn the skills to not push my husband away. It came with the realization that there is a great deal of trust and support in my relationship, and with the understanding that we are not the same, but through good communicating, we are closer. And being close to someone, you love and trust is a wonderful experience.

Part of PTSD, is that we 'predict' our worries. That is we worry constantly and we assume that the worst will happen, even when there is no 'reasonable evidence' that those worries will actually occur. Dealing with predictive worrying causes us to get into an emotional spiral that can only be addressed with 'rational' thinking.

That is, yes we worry, but how likely is what happened to us to occur again? How likely is it that our children will be faced with the same traumas? What are the odds (statistics) on our worries? It takes a lot of practice to reduce and even stop 'predictive worrying' behaviors. Whenever you worry, try writing down the worry in one column and then writing down the 'rational' thinking in the column next to it - it helped me to begin to calm and stop the 'predictive worrying cycle'.

We are all here for you, and things will be a lot brighter for you soon. xxoo