Supporter Hi There! I'm Dianna And My Boyfriend Has Ptsd

[Diannalee]

My boyfriend of over 4 years has PTSD. We have lived together for 3 years. At the beginning of the new year, he would like me to move out for a few weeks, so he can have some alone time. I understand this is important for him, but is moving me out really the right thing? Shouldn't we work on his struggle together? He can be verbally disparaging one minute and sweet as pie the next. He has never been physically abusive, but is verbally abusive often. I sometimes, ask myself why I stay, and the answer is that I told him I would never leave him. That I support him and will do anything I can to help him. But when is enough, enough?

 

[hodge]

I think if he wants you to move out, enough is enough now. JMO. Take care, and :hug:s if you accept them.

 

[Diannalee]

He says he wants me to live with my sister for 2 weeks and see how he feels while I am gone. He says it will give him time to think and hopefully, deal with what he hasn't dealt with yet. He's been going to a counselor at the VA for a year now, so he is working on it and he's great on the day of his counseling appointment, but it's the days after. He can be very hurtful. I don't want to abandon him, but at the same time, how do I deal with the consistent inconsistencies in his behavior? And keep my own insecurities to a minimum with his verbal abuse?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

When is any sort of abusive acceptable? So we know what he wants (time alone to check his feelings), what do you want?

 

[halflifeguy]

Sufferer here... Hi Dianna,

I cant say when enough is enough for you and your situation, but I will chip in my 2¢. I don't envy your situation, hard decisions are never easy, and made harder by the love you have for him. My thoughts on your situation...

The request to move out temporarily sounds unusual to me, and you have the right to ask why, what does this mean long term, etc. and get an understanding that helps you make a decision. What are his plans for the time apart?

Verbal or physical, abuse is abuse and you don't deserve that. "Flipping" (between nice as pie and mean) is not going away until he deals with it. Is he in therapy/counselling, have you raised it as an issue with him?

Even though you told him you would never leave him, you have the right to change your mind. Don't loose sight of the fact that, though you are in a commited relationship now, you are in this life for you and you deserve happiness.

What are your plans for the future with this guy? If it includes a family, I don't see in your post he, or you, are ready now.

When is enough, enough? That you're posting here means, to me, that it's a real possibility that you are at the point already.

Dave

 

[Diannalee]

Hi Dave! I appreciate your two cents.
His PTSD stems from being deployed in Afghanistan as well as while he was away his wife's alcoholism was at an all time high with cheating involved. We met approximately one month after she moved out. Then I moved in a year later. He says his therapist says that he never got a chance to alone and thoroughly deal with his PTSD...hence me moving out for a short time. My thoughts are that vets come back from deployment with PTSD all the time...who have wives. And, this may be an assumption, but I believe the therapist would figure out ways to have the couple, as a whole, work together to help him heal. But as I am writing this, I am thinking that perhaps maybe he just doesn't want me here. Is that his PTSD talking? I just don't know. I don't know what I should do. I believe that he deserves a chance, he selflessly sacrificed so much when he deployed and deserves to know that not everyone is like his ex-wife and that there are good people in this world. He has four children, whom I love with all my heart. So, our family is already in existence. I'm just unsure how much all of this is his PTSD or if he is using it as a crutch in order to make his ups and downs ok. If that makes sense? I truly appreciate any and all advice here as I am at a loss with how to deal with this. FYI - I will be going to a PTSD support group at the VA starting next month, which I believe will help as well. Thanks all and Merry Christmas eve!

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi Diannalee!

Welcome to the forum!

His therapist's reasoning sounds really odd to me. Has the therapist ever met you? It sounds as if you both could use some couples therapy with a therapist trained in trauma work.

Your boyfriend's verbal abuse is not acceptable. If you allow him to do this to you, because you feel sorry for him, want to support him, the abuse will only get worse over time. The kind and sweet periods that keep you attracted and hooked into him, become briefer. It can escalate to other forms of abuse. Any form of abuse is unacceptable.
I have PTSD, and no matter what trauma I have experienced, that would never give me the excuse or right to abuse any other living being. He's fully capable of choosing to be a decent, non-abusive person.

Abuse sucks the life out of you. You may be strong now, but being abused drains all the energy and joy out of life. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that because he is sweet at times in the way that you love, that he will suddenly see the light, become that way all the time, and life with him will be beautiful all the time.

Please learn everything you can about abusive behavior, what constitutes the different kinds of abuse, it's impact on you, how it escalates over time,...
Please don't be in love with the fantasy of who you know he could be. The reality of living with an abusive person is dangerous and life-stealing.

You don't owe him your life, health, hope, dreams in gratitude for his military service.

You do not have to prove you are nothing like his wife. He knows that.

Your promising to stand by him, no matter how badly he treats you, gives him absolutely no incentive to treat you kindly, lovingly with the respect and gentleness you deserve. You have no protection, no boundaries set on his behavior toward you. That does not make for a good, healthy relationship. If one of the partners is abusive, then this lack of self-protection on your part is very worrisome. You are worth being safe, protected, happy...

You are a wonderful person, and you need lots of support and counsel. :hug:

 

[Diannalee]

I asked him to go to couples therapy and he said his therapist said that wouldn't be a good idea. I just read this entire thread to him and his response was "hmmm". That's it. Apparently Black Ops is more important right now.
PTSD sufferers - do you feel like you can make a conscious decision to be nice or mean? Am I just living in a fantasy, as mentioned above, that someday he will get over this and be the kind hearted man he used to be? He says he doesn't like the man he is now. I bring him unexpected gifts all the time (it may just be candy - but it's something)...I cook...I clean...I contribute financially...I don't ask him to go with me to anywhere crowded or to the movies or really anywhere that might set off a trigger. I try to do everything I can to insure his happiness, but it never seems to be enough. What else can I do? I know there is no time limit on PTSD, how long it takes to work through it, but...I just need to know what and why. What should my expectations be? Why has there been minimal results with his counselor, except him pushing me further away?

 

[Diannalee]

He says that I cannot respect the fact that he wants some alone time.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Absolutely, a sufferer can make the conscious choice to be loving and gracious, or mean and nasty.

I can choose to be grateful for any kindness I receive (it's good for the spirit to cultivate an "attitude of gratitude"). I could choose to be a Scrooge and push away warmth and kindness, be ungrateful - but that would only push the spirit into greater darkness.

I'm a sufferer, and what his therapist is saying sounds bogus to me. Your boyfriend might need times of quiet, time away from noise, pressure... That's usually needed, I need it, but that is managed far differently than forcing his partner out of the house.

Ok, I see your post right above this. Yes, he does need alone time. You must give him space and quiet - he absolutely needs that. If you can give him that, you shouldn't need to have to leave your home. He can go for walks, create a "Man-Cave", read, isolate in the bedroom while you go do something else, if he loves sports or wood-working, etc... he needs lots of time and your willingness to let him do those things by himself or with a close military buddy.

Someone with PTSD cannot heal or cope in an environment where the other partner has high needs and is very "clingy". The drain on the sufferer's limited resources is intense if the other partner has strong emotional needs.

To help him recover, you will need to find many healthy ways of getting your emotional needs met (through friends, support, hobbies, work) while your boyfriend renews his inner strength.

If you have not been respecting his need to be alone (and it's rare for extroverts to understand or believe in such a need), than his snapping at you could be a defensive posture - trying to get some space. If you give him that space and alone time that he desperately needs, the irritation and hostility wont be activated.

 

[scout86]

what his therapist is saying sounds bogus to me

Have you actually talked to his therapist? If you haven't, what you actually have here is what he SAYS his therapist says. Sometimes we hear what we want to hear. Sometimes people make stuff up.

someday he will get over this and be the kind hearted man he used to be?

Life changes people. War changes people. We all change all the time. He will never be "the person he was". He's moved on from there. Doesn't mean he can't be a good, kind hearted person, just that he won't be the SAME person.

I try to do everything I can to insure his happiness, but it never seems to be enough.

YOU can't insure his happiness. He's responsible for his own happiness. What you're doing sounds like it comes from a good place and for good motives. And I probably can't explain what I'm about to try to explain. Having someone working that hard to try to MAKE you happy puts a weird kind of pressure on a person. If I'm not happy in the face of all that, then what? I OWE it to that person to BE happy, don't I? And I'm letting them down by not being happy? And yet, maybe I just don't FEEL happy right now. How does one deal with that? Have your read Anthony's "stress cup" article? "Stress" can come from good things as well as bad ones and it can all add up to seem overwhelming. Sometimes "space" includes being allowed to feel what ever it is you actually feel.

Sometimes, for a whole bunch of reasons, a person just isn't in the right place to be in a relationship. Especially not a "living in the same house, lives are completely entwined" relationship. Sometimes you need to deal with your own stuff first. I don't know if that's where he's at or not. If it is, I don't know if it's "his PTSD talking" or not. (I kind of hate that expression. Although PTSD isn't ALL that he is, it IS a part of how he's operating these days and you really can't sort it out as a separate thing. What it sets you up to feel and think is pretty real, even if it's not always very accurate.)

 

[halflifeguy]

Being alone to work things through for just 2 weeks is not anywhere near enough time to resolve anything at one session a week, or to 'find himself.' It will give him time to see how he is alone, more/less stressed, more/less abusive, does he get depressed, etc. and, I suspect you've already thought about, what the outcome means for you.

From your description of the situation and his history, I think your guy has symptoms from his own life, before deployment, before his marriage, needing long term councelling and/or therapy... more than it seems he is currently getting. It's a long and bumpy road your looking at. For perspective, it's been over a decade in my case and I wasn't too dissimilar to your guy.