Supporter Hi There! I'm Dianna And My Boyfriend Has Ptsd

[Diannalee]

Thank you all for your thoughts! I appreciate it more than I can express in words. The stressor of me trying to insure his happiness resulting in more stress TOTALLY makes sense and I have never thought of that. Also, his desire to be alone and me respecting that is something I try to do and have been doing alot more lately. I didn't think of me not giving him that (even just sitting on the couch, watching football makes him angry) would create hostility. He belongs to a motorcycle group for combat vets and I encourage him to go to as many functions as he can. Clingy - i'm not. Needy - sometimes. I really just want to hear, every once in a while, that I'm appreciated, or beautiful, just something nice. I'm willing to take the long, bumpy road, if there is a light at the end of tunnel, I think..even if it's a dull one for a while, I need this to be able to vent, to talk about what is going on with others that know exactly what I'm going through. Or is it a useless thought...am I just holding onto a dream that is never going to happen? Maybe I should just walk away and if we are meant to be together, we will be together.
Well, time to ice some cookies. Hope you all are having a very Merry Christmas Eve! And THANK YOU SO MUCH for listening!

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Merry Christmas Eve, beautiful Diannalee!

We're here for you! I'm so glad you're here, seeking answers and support.
Sufferers and Supporters know the incredible gift a loving partner is to someone with PTSD. As a Supporter, you need answers, encouragement and all the support you can get while working to have a loving, understanding relationship with someone with PTSD or any other stress / emotional disorder.

If he can't see it yet, while embroiled in his own distress, we will say it - you are beautiful, both outwardly and most importantly inwardly. You are gracious, generous, kind and loving.

Never let him abuse you, or the children.
Never let him make you feel little, unloved, less than the amazing woman you are.
We will all try to help you both navigate along this truly bumpy road as @halflifeguy describes.

Welcome, and Merry Christmas Eve!
:hug: Deer

 

[intothelight]

Welcome! :)

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Hi and welcome to the board @Diannalee

PTSD is different for everyone and everyone has their own personality quirks that have nothing to do with PTSD.

I will assume the children do not live with you and while there is a bond, you nor he are their primary caretaker.

Nothing is legally binding the two of you together. Four years is a good chunk of time to invest made more so by the fact you have lived together for three of those years. But at the end of the day, neither one of you have a legal obligation to the other.

If there are no legal ties, it offers him the opportunity to take the time to find himself by himself.
A person's need to find themselves and discover who they are is never a "we" project. (not unless the individual is the we but I digress) He can't know what he wants in the relationship if he has no idea who he is. He can't give you what he doesn't have and most importantly you can't give it to him.

Him saying he wants you to move in with your sister for two weeks sounds like a cowardly way to first get you somewhere else before letting you know, he needs more time and then more time etc.
Words are very significant. That he used the term "move out" and not something like "visit with" IMO speaks volumes.

Take some time to think of practical matters. What is your current personal income? Do you have a job so you can support yourself? If not, unless you are on or will be on disability, it's time you get one.
If you do have a job but no savings to start over then you need to have a conversation regarding him helping you and what that would entail.

You need to take some time to find you too. You deserve better then the wishy-washy half truths you're getting.
Find yourself a therapist to help you navigate this difficult time.
When I see young women such as yourself who wants to save others at the expense of themselves, my heart aches. It aches for you and for my own young woman who did the same. Save yourself sweetheart, no one but you can.

Only the best wishes for you on your journey,

Alice

 

[Diannalee]

Yesterday, i started packing. This, after me telling him that I wasn't going to leave for a couple weeks. That I can give him ample "alone time" and that two weeks isn't going to give him what he is looking for. I didn't really mean it to come over as an ultimatum, but as I write this, it sounds like I did. I just explained that I can be part of the healing process or not, but that I am not a puppet...I need stability just as much as he does. He asked what about how I said I would do anything...give him what he needed...the two weeks...and I told him that I am allowed to change my mind.
His kids live with us every other week. We are, in now, financially tied to each other. I have a job and have savings and can definitely support myself. I don't need him in that way.
As I was packing, I started crying, I couldn't believe he was going to let me walk out the door. Not even try to stop me. Disappointment and hurt filled my heart. As I started throwing things away, he stopped me and said that I do not have move out. That since I am on this forum and am going to go to the PTSD supports groups at the VA, that we can work together through this. It's been pretty good so far. We will see. He is going to his parents house with his brother for New Years Eve, leaving me home alone. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that, but it is what it is. Thinking there are bigger battles to fight for.
Thank you all for your support!! Hope y'all had a wonderful Christmas and an even better New Year!

 

[Diannalee]

Now he just came up from working out and he says to me in front of his 13 year old son and his son's friend..."I know what you can do...start packing". Then laughs. I said to him when we were talking about me NOT moving out, I said that it really hurts me when he says things about me moving out/packing and asked him not to say that anymore. He agreed. Yet, it's just over 24 hours later and he says it again. The kids go upstairs and I say to him "Remember what we talked about yesterday, what you weren't going to say anymore...well, it's just over 24 hours and you've already brought it up." He said "what's that mean? are you going to move out?" I responded "I don't know, but it sure makes my decision alot easier" and he said "I can make it alot easier for you". And this is what I am talking about. The constant inconsistency. One minute he is nice, respectful and the next he is a total jerk.

 

[The Black Phoenix]

@Diannalee, moving on (even temporarily) can be hard and I can't really say more than has already been said, only echo the wisdom that's already been shared.

You asked earlier if a person with PTSD has a choice in regards to their behavior, and I think they absolutely do! Not only is it choice, it is my belief it's a conscious one. That doesn't mean someones never a jerk, but that does mean that people still have responsibility for their actions. He might during therapy find a way to better deal with his trauma, and learn how to treat you better, but only time will tell.

Take care, and welcome to the forum!

 

[seedling]

That since I am on this forum and am going to go to the PTSD supports groups at the VA

His use of the word "since" was a red flag to me. He's "letting" (?!) you stay because you are working on his problem?

I also agree that what he's told you about his therapist's advice sounds untrue. My therapist was always for couples therapy for my husband and I right from the start when my symptoms were the worst.

I think that a larger part of his self wants you to leave than wants you to stay. The fact that he brought it up "publicly" in front of his son and friend seems to make it carry more weight. He may be confused about what he is communicating sometimes but it's becoming more and more clear by his continuing actions and words.

Please make the best decision for yourself first and carry through on it. If he cares enough to change his behavior to keep a relationship with you then that will happen.

All the best and a Happy New Year!

 

[seedling]

You are very brave and caring to read this thread to him. That really shows the commitment you have to openly and honestly dealing with everything. He may not be ready for that.

 

[halflifeguy]

Dianna,

It sounds like you'll have to deal with a personality disorder and narcissistic trait. Having seen what living with that combination exacts from a spouse, I agree with Seedling...

...make the best decision for yourself first and carry through on it. I

 

[Mel (Hippo256)]

I agree with all the above posts. I hope you're doing better now.

Although it is possible that his therapist is not the right person for him. It's possible that he made the advice up, or didn't understand it, or that the therapist actually said it. My partner and I had bad therapists with bad ideas. Trying to break a wedge between us for no reason, except that they thought relationships weren't possible for people with issues. But a relationship might also strengthen a person, you could make each other complete, help with progressing. Or sometimes it's better to work more alone. This is all individual and sometimes that is forgotten by professionals. They're just humans too and can't fully know you.

Very important, also when in therapy, is communication. We always discussed afterwards what the therapist told me/him/us and could find out if I misunderstood or if the therapist misunderstood me etc. I think it's important that you don't just talk with your therapist but also still with your partner. For example on what you're working on, or if the appointment was difficult. Then you can support each other. And I think it should be possible to go to therapy together some time, to talk about it or evaluate. When in a relationship it's not just his life, but yours is also affected by it.

 

[Seasounds]

@Diannalee, welcome to the forum! My two cents; no easy/short answer, as all situations are different. That said, I would suggest to follow your sense of whether or not you can maintain your sense of mental health while in the relationship, seek support for yourself, and respect your partner's boundaries, including his desire for space, just as you would like him to respect your needs for space.

Staying together or separating, creates different circumstances. If you give your partner space, do you have a place to go?
If you stay, what support can you bring into your life, so that you will increase your resiliency and not suffer emotionally? Make sure to take care of yourself.

Glad you are here!