Hi Thought I was OK Triggers Freaking Me Out

[BethRSA]

Hi
From reading other threads, it seems like you will understand even if no one around me does.
Right now men are working on the outside windows on my 3rd floor flat. I can't run away because in this country, they will break in and steal so quick. I'd come back to an empty flat.
The reason this is driving me crazy is that I was gang raped 11 years ago (1 July '98) alongside the highway on my way home from work. For various reasons, I didn't report it. I ended up pregnant, but miscarried in late August. I would have kept the baby because it wasn't his/her fault. So, please don't tell me that the miscarriage was for the best. When I miscarried in my room, people were remodeling their next door flat. So, while I was in pain and bleeding, all I heard was their hammering, pounding, drilling, etc. I'm over so many of the things, but I still can't handle hammering, etc.
Please help me know I'm not going crazy.
Thanks

 

[ANCHOR]

You are not going crazy. Your situation is quite serious and you seem to be coping better than you might feel. You know and acknowledge what is upsetting you so this is a great accomplishment.

I can't help your immediate situation but for the future, you might try small tricks to desensitize yourself to the hammering. I know this sounds crazy...but it is an option.

Think about subjecting yourself to controlled environments where mild hammering is occuring...ask a friend maybe to pretend to do some carpentry for you...role play it out. While they are creating a mild simulation of the upsetting environment...take your emotions as they arise and recognize them one by one. "I feel this way because it reminds me of..... This is hard for me because.... I remember feeling alone every time I hear.... I am hearing these things now and even though I feel discomfort I know I safe now..." and just keep going through the experience slowly. Challenge yourself but make sure you know you are safe and are just strengthening your concept of being safe now...even though you feel discomfort. This will take time and courage and eventually, while the noises will disturb you, you will weaken their ability to paralyze you. When you feel comfortable with your safe situation, step the scenario up by maybe going to a construction site and standing really far away from it. Go through all of the emotions and memories consciously. As you feel stronger (days, weeks or even months after practicing this) challenge yourself to move a little closer.

Just keep telling yourself you are safe now.

Trauama & Recovery by Judith Herman, M.D. and The Brain That Changes Itself, by Norman Doidge may give you strength on this journey. The latter book gives a scientific explanation of why mind over matter actually works. This knowledge is empowering.

 

[ANCHOR]

Desensitizing helps to reprocess the traumatic memory so that the associations in the mind weaken and transform to healthier, quieter places, like normal memory. Just take it one memory and assoiciation at a time. Eventually, they will transform into something like..."That sound reminds me of the day I practiced dealing with my triggers..." instead of "That sound is my trigger!"

I really hope this helps you. I know it works. I have used this some of my old triggers. The environment is not hurting you, the old memory is, which is why dealing with PTSD is so confusing.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Beth,

I'm sorry about the terrible things that you have gone through.

I'm with ANCHOR, -very wise and practical advice.

Very small suggestion: could headphones help for now? Especially combined with something sothing that relaxes you. Especially try to be kind to yourself as you ride this through, and write here, if it feels helpful. You have lots of support.

That sounds terribly difficult to get through, but you are really brave about it. Whatever you feel is ok, and normal, and definitely not crazy.

My heart goes out to you.
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[amandalee]

As far as I've seen, all of us have said we were going crazy

So at least take comfort in that. I did. My initial posting were ranting about how I was "Going Crazy!!" And everyone was like: "Oh, that's totally normal. We have all felt like that." You'll find that this is a supportive and comforting safe haven from the outside world that petrifies most of us. I am so thankful for resources like this one enabling me to initiate healing instead of binge drinking and self mutilation. This is a God-Send for me right now. Welcome.

 

[pebbels]

Hello BethRSA:hello:you are not crazy.:naughty:
I echo what ANCHOR has said and Junebugs remedy for now of wearing headphones with your favourite tunes going through them.:smile:

Wishing you peace:Hug_emoticon:

Pebs

 

[BethRSA]

Thanks ANCHOR and all! Your advice is encouraging.

Sometimes I just get so tired of dealing with this. One minute "fine" and the next seemingly reduced to craziness by simple pounding of hammers. From what my neighbours said (and the way the outside of the building looks now), it seems like I will have many opportunites to work through this trigger in the next couple weeks. PLEASE HELP ME THROUGH IT.

Right now, it's Sunday so thankfully--no work on my building. Only 2 friends here (new town) know my story, so there's not much support that I can see face to face and chat with. One is out of the country right now and the other has cancer. My family is far away and not really helpful when it comes to this. I know that this time of year being when it all happened makes me already sensitive.
Thanks for understanding! It means A LOT!

 

[hobarter]

Hi Beth,
You are very brave to be handling what you're going through so well, and to have even survived what you went through.
It makes total sense and is completely understandable that the sound of loud hammering is probably like torture to you. You have been traumatically sensitised to it and so it is disturbing to you on all sorts of levels (conscious, sub-conscious, cell memory, etc). Not only that, but is also currently assaulting your ears (and mind) while you are in your home, which ideally should be a person's safe sanctuary.
I currently have a somewhat similar problem (though your original traumatising experience sounds more horrific than mine). The brief version of my PTSD story is that I was nearly killed in an MVA. Now (years later) my partner (of 19 months) & have recently I moved into a house (about 2 & 1/2 months ago) that turns out to get lots of really loud (for me, anyway) traffic noise. It is driving me crazy. (Unfortunately my partner doesn't really understand and doesn't want to move again so I may have to move out on my own.)
Anyhow, I don't think you're going crazy at all.

 

[starshine]

Sounds can be such difficult triggers, I know. And such work sounds pretty intrusive. I know I moved away from a 5th floor flat before they started work on all the windows.

How long will they be doing the work for? And is it all day, every day? What happens when you play music - does that help you emotionally?

 

[Tessa]

Hi Beth,
You are not going crazy. Sometimes it feels so lonely and confusing. You have great strength to have survived so much. You are not alone. We know how hard triggers are to deal with. It can be exhausting.
Be gentle with yourself

Tessa

 

[ANCHOR]

I just popped in to see how you were doing....

Hi Beth,

I just popped in to see how you have been coping with your circumstances. Everyone on this forum seems to be really encouraging and comforting so I know you will always find good, kind, advice here.:hello: Cheers!

 

[BethRSA]

Thanks to all for the encouragement.

Guys still working on the windows of the block of flats. At least today it's not my windows--they are 2 flats away. So, although my nerves are on "red alert", maybe I can get some work done.