Oh my god, I am sorry that you have people around you saying things like that. This is very depressing, especially when it comes from your loved ones. I know exactly how you feel because since young, my family members always ridiculed and shamed me. My mom at one time even said to her friends that I am not her son - just imagine that repercussion it had on me emotionally?
Anyway, I am much stronger now and I know a lot of true facts vs. the old myths. I will try my best to help you here. But you will need to ask questions if you don't understand, and I will slowly list out the facts and link it to your situation.
Three things before we start:
1. Empty your mind - At least for this session, throw out your emotional baggage, and don't think about yourself, at least for this session. If I pour my own version of wine into your current glass of wine, you wouldn't taste the real wine that I am offering.
2. Relax yourself - you are in an impaired ability to learn and absorb information if you are depressed and stressed-out (extraordinarily stressed, not the normal stress). Breathe in deeply, hold for 5 seconds. Then breathe out slowly. Repeat this for 5 to 10 times, whenever you feel better.
3. Think for yourself - this could be the hardest part. Human beings are generally lazy and the last thing they want to do is to start thinking. The best part is that when we start thinking (for the positive, not the negatives), our life will improve. Trust me.
It's going to be long, but please bear with me because changing oneself is not easy. Here we go:
You have a difficult situation - that is your surrounding environment is toxic for self-growth and development. I am not going to encourage with pure words as this wouldn't help because your situation seems tacky. Therefore, we should START from the very core of your problems - that is your PERSONAL BELIEF SYSTEM.
Our personal beliefs have enormous influence in our lives - almost everything in life is controlled and affected by beliefs. Beliefs can kill us or help us to survive. And beliefs can also change a person's destiny. Since you have a Filipino wife, it's easy to relate. Ask her about her hometown (in Philippines), if they have those witch doctors which can cure illnesses and diseases. There was this true case of this Filipino American living in the USA, and she was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease (the body immune system not attacking viruses and bacteria but instead her DNA). She was placed on a wide range of medication by her doctors but to no avail. Her symptoms persisted. Her physicians recommended higher doses of drugs and frequent administration, but she declined. She then returned to her native Philippines and seek the help of a local witch doctor, which he removed a 'curse' that was performed on her by a formal suitor. Upon returning to the US, and evaluated by the same physician (who made the original diagnosis), NOT ONLY was she found to be free of symptoms of lupus, neither was she manifesting any of the withdrawal symptoms normally associated with the sudden cessation of steroid therapy.
In short, the witch doctor actually removed her 'self-imposed Beliefs'. That is to say, the Filipino American actually was cured by the witch doctor. This article was a real case when I was learning about psychology.
So if you could REMOVE your 'self-imposed beliefs' that was inconveniently created by your environment and your close ones, then your life will start to change and you will no longer be on medication, and you no longer have to live in fear. To remove personal beliefs is not easy - considering humans are habitual homo sapiens and beliefs is part of the human fabric.
To cut story short: let's briefly go through the different types of belief:
1. Core beliefs - it's your deepest conviction that you believe in [such as you have killed your brother and everybody thinks you are a murderer and less worthy than a normal human being].
2. Cultural beliefs - the ones we grew up with [you have been staying in your small hometown for 25 years, and your belief right now is affected almost by everyone around you. It's very very hard to subtract out from the mind, but don't worry. You got to try this out slowly.]
3. Hand-me-down beliefs - virtually any source, but most often from our parents/grandparents. [Your parents may have bad experiences since young (such as constant ridicule/shame, and they pass it down to u by shaming you as well). Your mom also handed you the belief that you will burn in hell, BUT that was HER belief, NOT yours].
4. Advertised beliefs - usually the media (billboards, tv shows etc.) Example: many people think it's cool to be slim and tall, because the models on tv shows are like that. [In today's world - people are too used to Advertised Beliefs that they don't even know what it is anymore, just think of American Idol].
5. Biological beliefs - Whenever your body is exposed to the same cues, your body experiences the same fear or sadness that occurred at the time of the event. [That's why you shouldn't stay at one place for too long - for example, if you always cry at your sofa or computer desk, that's the most toxic place to be in. Change the furniture arrangements or get a new place or stay in a hotel for the weekend etc.].
That's all for now - there's a lot for you to absorb.
The main thing is that you now know that your IMPAIRED belief system has resulted you to be on medication and constant fear of losing Maria. I can sense a huge amount of fear inside you that is causing all the problems. These fears are the results of your personal belief system. Forget about all the drugs for now (because to be frank, if there's nobody like u to be on depression, the multi-billion drug industry would no longer exists - they can't make money out of u!).
What to do now ...
1. Relax and understand that your problems are created by your own personal belief system. Who is really affecting your belief system? It's your parents, neighbours, cultural surroundings (different towns have different beliefs, I think), your friends, your loved ones etc etc.). Do not rush into understanding the entire stuff. Just sit down and relax, and ask yourself if what I mentioned here relates to you or not.
2. Show your gratitude - tell Maria that you sincerely love her, and really tell her straight in the eyes. Do it slowly with sincerity and with the unusual tone. Then, explain slowly (but not crying, because it doesn't help) that you are seeking help now, because deep inside you is that you want a better life for yourself and her. Showing your gratitude will strengthen your faith and your bond with Maria. But firstly, you got to act - that is by showing that you really care and love her, and your actions tell it all.
Well jrgm13, there's no quick way to a recovered self. Medication is only a band-aid. Healing takes time, so you got to be gentle with yourself and those around you.
Keep us posted on any question and your progress on this. Once you understand this session, then we can slowly move upwards with more progress in sight.
~nickeldoor~
