Undiagnosed Hi -- wondering if i have ptsd

[lizbeth27]

Hi

I was wondering if anyone could give me their views on my situation:

I've been under the care of the mental health system for a long while, with a load of related mental health issues that my local (rural) services have struggled to pin down. These have made building a rapport and opening up with mental health workers extremely hard in itself. I've had a few different diagnoses, and a hospitalisation in the past.

It's only been over the past year (I'm 27 now) that I have been suspected to have the developmental disorder Aspergers (which appears to be the root of a lot of my other issues), and am almost definitely about to receive an official diagnosis from a member of my care team.

I'm sad to say that my life has been dominated by mental health problems since school -- with severe social fears and anxiety, resulting clinical depression and panic disorder/agoraphobia that developed when I was 17/18 and still cripples me now. I cannot get close to people even now and have incredibly low-self esteem, and many issues stopping me from developing as a person.

I was severely emotionally/physically bullied throughout a huge portion of my school life for being very anxious and different -- this is what I now realise to almost definitely be Aspergers, which affects socialisation development, sensory processing, some level of motor functioning, etc. Every day of school was literally hell for me. The fact that Aspergers increases emotional and sensory sensitivity probably contributed to this. I had no self-esteem and never got to the point where I could stick up for myself -- I would just shut down and could barely speak in school. I missed out on so many stages of my development and had 2 friends throughout this whole time.

I've been having these 'disconnecting' depersonalisation/derealisation symptoms as part of my anxiety for years and years. They are very intense and are present for as long as I'm out of the house and around people. I feel 'zombified', and an intense pressure in my head. My vision is very blurry, and I sometimes feel outside of my body. my insides regularly fill with this strong feeling of dread, that makes me feel like I'm drowning. I can't control my body properly - my facial muscles feel frozen. I feel very, very dizzy, and can't focus my eyes on anything in front of me. It's getting to the point where I regularly get stared at/pointed at for this 'dissociative' look. I cant process what's going on around me, and feel no emotions relevant to my surroundings.. just a strange mixture of feeling numb and feeling terrified. These sensations are just crippling and I feel very boxed in and like I cannot animate myself.

I've been wondering recently if Aspergers and PTSD would be more accurate diagnoses, than the whole range of related anxiety disorders I've been diagnosed with. I know no one here can make a definitive statement, but I wanted to put it out there. I also know that this is not the standard kind of trauma that someone with PTSD would have, so I hope people here will understand that I have really thought about this and have not considered it lightly.

If you've got to the end -- thank you for reading. :)

 

[aphr0ditus]

Hello, pal! I read your thread and as a person on the autism spectrum with PTSD, I understand a lot of your struggle. From what I read you definitely can have PTSD from bullying. Trauma is a very complex and exhausting thing to deal with and it's very unfortunate that bullying isn't seen as traumatic. The disconnected feelings you are experiencing could be a dissociative symptom that's very common with people who suffer from trauma. If you feel the need to get a diagnosis, that would be great because you can find good trauma based therapies to help you with your situation. If you don't feel like you NEED a diagnosis that is okay to. I really hope my rambling mess of a response helped a little bit and I with you the best of luck!

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Hi @lizbeth27 Welcome to the forum. Diagnosis or not, you're still welcome.

I'm not going to try and suggest any diagnosis' but what you're describing reminds me of several things. You may not be nearly as complicated as it seems. I would encourage you to seek out a trauma therapist regardless and at least have an evaluation visit if nothing else. I don't know if that's permitted where you are or not. It would at least give you something to go on. There is no obligation to continue any form of treatment you aren't fully comfortable with.

It sounds like a large majority of your life has been dominated by struggle and trauma. I also believe that bullying causes trauma. That's really awful. You must feel like you need to put on actual armor everytime you step outside the door. A terrible feeling. I know what it is to feel like constantly looking over my shoulder, but that's part of ptsd. You have had a real reason for it. You're obviously a strong person to be pushing on. A fighter.

Please keep posting. We care on the forum.

 

[lizbeth27]

Hi -- thank you both so much for your replies. :)

I'm pretty confused about a lot of this, and confused that it's been drawn out so long when I probably could have got better help, earlier.

The idea that I might have PTSD is very weird to me -- but I guess the point is, I associate the symptoms I get with that time -- and it was a huge, important period of my life that was very painful, and my emotional growth was stunted to say the least. There is also the element of having the sense that I couldn't really control the way I was, and not knowing why I acted the way I did, or even having that much awareness of how I came across to others sometimes, but being condemned for it, and feeling really trapped and confused by this. So, in a way, I blamed myself as well.

I guess I just need to concentrate on getting the right help to improve the symptoms. I'm assuming that constant panic attacks etc. can all be a part of this condition.

The thing is, as wrong as it may be, there is a sense that PTSD has to be obviously earned in the eyes of other people... but being on the autistic spectrum, I know that we really are affected by things in very different ways. And I think anyone that tries to make judgments about whether someone should have the emotional damage that they have or not, is on dodgy ground. For the most part, we react how we react. And everyone deserves the right help for them to improve their lives.

Thanks again. :) I'll have to have a think about what to do next, mainly because of what's going on with my treatment at the moment...

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Yes, your're right about a lot of it.

At this point, I don't focus on the title anymore. I went through a phase where it did bother me, and I even asked my therapist if the title was really that important - sort of like depression. To me, that was really important. I wanted so badly to remove any traces of depression. Hasn't happened yet.

I know what the popular opinion is regarding what consists of trauma and what doesn't. Always amazes me when I hear of other people who go through terrible things and seem fine - why didn't I just accept what happened and move on. However, we don't get to choose and neither do the people around us. There is no real measuring stick to decide what is allowed to be called trauma and what doesn't. The point is, people are always going to have their own opinions of everything. You deal with the symptoms you have.

Become equipped to handle the things that come your way. Your primary concern is yourself. There are lots of helps out there (and on this site) to better understand what's happening and why. What the patterns are. You need the confidence that you can do this! We all can. We support each other no matter what the background is. It's not the trauma itself that matters. It's the individual and their response to it.

btw: yes, panic attacks, high anxiety, sleeping, eating issues - all can be related. They are symptoms, but like I said before, I'm not a professional and am not going to diagnose.

I think you're brave to be opening up on this site. No one is going to condemn you or judge you. We're here because we need support. We're all in different versions of the same boat. I'd say welcome aboard, but it's too bad there's a need.

We care. :happy::tup::hug: