General His Anxiety, My Worries

[Harley Quinn]

I'm with him since more than 2 months, and since the first day, I love him with all my heart. I worry a lot about him, because of his PTSD. When anxiety strikes, I feel powerless. The thing is that, it's a long distance relationship, which makes it harder, but we hold on. Whenever he feels nervous or anxious, I feel powerless and sad because I don't know how to help him. It truly hurts me. I wish I could do more for him, he deserves so much attention, so much love , so much help, but he doesn't get it. I am here asking for help, to know how to make him smile when he feels down, to cheer him up when he feels bad. I really need advices to deal with he anxiety, how to comfort him when he needs it...

 

[shimmerz]

@Harley Quinn . I can only tell you what helps me (won't be a help for everyone). I hear you when you say you get sad and powerless, but I am going to suggest that you not walk down the same path as he is or it may give you anxiety and that isn't very helpful when both of you are in a bad spot together. I know that what helps me is someone who can help me smile and you can't smile if you 'feel' him too much. I am not sure you will know what I mean by that. Maybe you can offer him your Teddy (I know you are long distance) and both of you will know that that means you are offering him your love and support. It may make him smile every time you do!

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Harley Quinn, the first thing that you need to do as a supporter is to educate yourself about PTSD. Understanding what is going on with your sufferer goes a long way.Start researching the disorder and some of its typical symptoms. Get advice from other supporters, there is a great supporter section on here. I recommend starting your research with the stress cup explanation on this site. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/#post-173960

 

[Harley Quinn]

@Harley Quinn . I can only tell you what helps me (won't be a help for everyone). I hear you when you say you get sad and powerless, but I am going to suggest that you not walk down the same path as he is or it may give you anxiety and that isn't very helpful when both of you are in a bad spot together.

I am not giving up on him. I do get sad. But I think it's normal. I make him smile. I always try to do that. But I don't care if I have to suffer to make him better because I know I can deal with it easier than he does. I don't really know what you mean by "feel" him. But anxiety doesn't affect me much. And no way on earth I'm giving up on him.

 

[Harley Quinn]

I can't even think about what to write... I don't wanna sound stupid, or dependent, or whatever people think I sound when saying that but damn! I'm saying it. I know how it feels to have abusive parents... I've been beaten, threatened, insulted... I've been going to school hiding bruises on my face and arms...

But having abusive parents and PTSD is something I couldn't take... Every day I'm worried he hurts himself because of them... It's not normal to make a 14 years kid work, 6h straight... It's not normal to make a 14 years old kid do manual work without even paying him. It's not normal to make a kid stress until he harms himself. It's not normal to tell that he is a failure or such... It's not normal to make a kid with a abnormally high IQ 5think that his life is screwed, that he will do nothing of his life.

It gets me out of my mind , seeing him in such state because of THEM. When he is all tired and sad because of people like that. I can't say much about it, but maybe if he had better parents, he could handle stress better.

 

[sun seeker]

I don't know what to say. I just want to send both of you lots of hugs. :hug:

You're absolutely right, there is nothing about this that is right, or normal. I wish I could wave a magic wand and rescue both of you somehow, so I can imagine how it is for you to see someone you are close to go through this.

What is happening to you is not right, or normal, either. It's no wonder you have trouble sleeping.

I don't have any advice, just empathy for your situation. Well maybe I do have a little advice. Start thinking now about how much better a job you will do if you have children, because you sure know how not to treat them, right?

 

[Ronin]

@Harley Quinn, change of perspective may be helpful.
E.g.: By working, he's learning how to provide for himself. Darned useful skillset & mindset. There's also the: it could be longer and in harsher conditions. Slippery rope of 'advocating child labor', which I hope to not be doing, not from my current POV anyway, but back then? It was normal.It was expected of me & siblings that we help -however we can.- There's lessons to be learned.
Intelligence & recognizing life's functioning: Street smart & book smart coming together. It's brilliant. It's *needed*. There's only this far each of those can get you, and with no connect? Problems.
Abusive parents? He's learning how to deal with authority that's downright harsh and unfair. Even with uncomplicated life conditions later in life, that comes super useful with many employers.
He's also learning he has a value outside of what anyone else prescribes him. Now how to establish it and keep awareness of it.

There are ways to see all of this as something to be learned from.

(In case it isn't clear - I am aware I tend to get sounding over passionate about some topics - I'm not saying 'stop complaining', by no means. I'm saying 'don't let something that doesn't -have- to be destroying you, destroy you'. Which it sounds it's doing emotionally right now.)

 

[sun seeker]

Hmm.

I understand what you are doing @Kaia. Positive thinking is... well... positive. (Sorry, I'm tired, that wasn't very eloquent was it?) There is much to be said for not getting over-stressed over a situation outside of our control, and instead focusing on the good in it. For someone who is being abused and can't get away, it's a life-saving skill sometimes to be able to shrug and laugh, even if you have to use some black humour to find something to laugh at. When an abuser is trying to get you down and you can find something to laugh at about it (not in front of them, that would be a very bad idea, but to yourself when alone) then you have won that battle by not letting them destroy you.

But I'm skeptical about some of the things you are proposing. Learning you have value outside of what others prescribe for you is SO much easier for people who haven't been abused. The rest of us can learn it, but it's an uphill struggle all the way. Learning how to work is also good, but again, learning in a loving environment where you are respected for who you are is a whole different game from learning because you are forced to do so out of fear. The one example where I conditionally agree with you is that being treated badly teaches us to handle harsh authority figures. But there's still a part of me that's thinking "that's like saying it's good to have a lot of headaches while you are young, because then you will know how to deal with a headache when you are older."

I have more thoughts on this but can't articulate them well right now.

 

[Ronin]

@sun seeker , clarification: I'm not saying good as in 'should be'. Good as in optimal. Good as in wanted in life and preferable option. I'm saying good as in the better of the evils, & what can be seen as some forms of options (and freedom) in a situation that's difficult to be viewed in that light. And I'm by no means saying that any part of the abuse *should* be happening. It clearly shouldn't.

 

[Alejandro Berry]

Dealing with anxiety is possible, you just have to make the person feel comfortable all the time.