Basically in 2003 I was very ill, nearly died a few time had emergency surgery that saved my life. Medical incompetence 15 yrs previously meant they didn't notice the tumor in my brain when they should have and I had to wait until it reached crisis point. My (psychological) recovery was then hampered by a mix of bad things and I ended up with PTSD.
It was hard going but my GP was very supportive although he didn't understand exactly he did believe me when I said I needed help and arranged me to see a psychologist and arranged short term help while I was on the waiting list. The next few years were hellish – as I’m sure anyone hear knows – but gradually I started to get some control of my life, stopped having panic attacks, my new phobias were beaten back, I became able sleep without having nightmare, to be awake without being haunted. For the last few years I thought I’d left it behind.
However in the last 8 years I've been single. I haven’t tried to connect with anyone, apart from a very brief flirtation which ended because I couldn't connect. Recently a person I used to know before the PTSD came back into my life. He was very understanding about the long term health problems I have (most of which predate the tumor by 15 years) and fun. He kept me company for a week while I was too ill to leave the house/live my life. After a while he told me that he liked me and we started dating.
However there are 2 problems. Being reminded of the person I used to be (the good things & getting this close to someone has triggered aspects of the PTSD, primarily an overwhelming grief at how much I've lost in the last 9 years (I’m not entirely clear on exactly why / what the feelings are - they’re just very overwhelming at the moment. Into the bargain he has hi own mental health issues (depression I suspect) and they have reared their head in the last week or so and have resulted in him cutting himself off from everyone. However he has been fairly honest about what’s happening and that while he can’t deal with people at the moment he will be back as soon as he can cope with people again.
At the moment I have a fairly positive out look on it – frankly the space is not a bad thing at the moment. But the grief and the increase in my startle response is worrying me. I know (logically) that this is just a bump in the road to recovery but I’m scared – I can’t go back to the way things were. Also being reminded of what life was like before makes me see how much I’ve been keeping life at bay.
For the for the first time I really feel the need to reach out to people who know what this is like – who actually understand.
It was hard going but my GP was very supportive although he didn't understand exactly he did believe me when I said I needed help and arranged me to see a psychologist and arranged short term help while I was on the waiting list. The next few years were hellish – as I’m sure anyone hear knows – but gradually I started to get some control of my life, stopped having panic attacks, my new phobias were beaten back, I became able sleep without having nightmare, to be awake without being haunted. For the last few years I thought I’d left it behind.
However in the last 8 years I've been single. I haven’t tried to connect with anyone, apart from a very brief flirtation which ended because I couldn't connect. Recently a person I used to know before the PTSD came back into my life. He was very understanding about the long term health problems I have (most of which predate the tumor by 15 years) and fun. He kept me company for a week while I was too ill to leave the house/live my life. After a while he told me that he liked me and we started dating.
However there are 2 problems. Being reminded of the person I used to be (the good things & getting this close to someone has triggered aspects of the PTSD, primarily an overwhelming grief at how much I've lost in the last 9 years (I’m not entirely clear on exactly why / what the feelings are - they’re just very overwhelming at the moment. Into the bargain he has hi own mental health issues (depression I suspect) and they have reared their head in the last week or so and have resulted in him cutting himself off from everyone. However he has been fairly honest about what’s happening and that while he can’t deal with people at the moment he will be back as soon as he can cope with people again.
At the moment I have a fairly positive out look on it – frankly the space is not a bad thing at the moment. But the grief and the increase in my startle response is worrying me. I know (logically) that this is just a bump in the road to recovery but I’m scared – I can’t go back to the way things were. Also being reminded of what life was like before makes me see how much I’ve been keeping life at bay.
For the for the first time I really feel the need to reach out to people who know what this is like – who actually understand.
