Holding Onto Pain After A Death

[Thinkingman85]

A problem that I face is having to deal with the feeling that my traumatic memories are attacking me. For example, my father passed away from a massive heart attack. I saw the aftermath and it was very traumatic. Even after 10 years, I still am connected with that memory. If I try to do something good for myself, the memory pops up and attacks. Then I isolate instead of battling it. It's a battle that I can't win. I have fought against it for years. I'm worn out. I am pretty sure that he suffered immensely because of what I witnessed.

People are naturally empathetic. However, I empathize with my father's pain and it is too much. I always feel what he went through and it's crippling. It makes me depressed and makes me feel like life is meaningless and evil. Also, it makes life seem scary. I'm aware of what nature is capable of from experience and not just from watching the news. Basically, it's like I'm carrying his pain around for him and I'm dying for it. I just want to move on instead of having to hold on to all of this. Life is more than just my father's suffering. It is a reality that people die horrible deaths and many people can't understand that. They think people just "pass on" and have funeral arrangements then they mourn and move on. That's the superficial way society tries to teach about it. Holding onto his pain is like a parasite. It's like I can't live unless I'm connected with it. And if I don't keep it alive, I'll die. I don't think there is a way to resolve the reality of the suffering other than just to move on and ignore it. How can you resolve it? It's like a lose lose situation.

 

[Sarahberrycakes]

I feel your pain.

My mother passed away in 2006. She was sick for a few years before that. We didn't have a good relationship, but I took care of her while she was sick. We seemed to have formed a bond during that time. When she passed, it hit me hard. She took a lot of secrets and answers with her that I will never get.

When they buried her, I literally felt as if I was being buried with her. Even though I still hold a lot of anger, mistrust and fear toward her, I feel like I am not living because I passed away in 2006.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I know exactly where you are coming from. Sorry about your mother's passing. I, too, have been left with many hidden secrets. Many times, I think he kept them in order to hurt me. For me, it's like an oath that I can't live because my father's gone. And if I did, it would be wrong. There would be guilt. I would break some invisible law. I don't know why the guilt is there. I have felt dead for a long time also. Resting for years has made me feel more alive. I don't think we are dead, but we are keeping ourselves chained in some odd type of despair.

 

[Life_in_the_Mist]

It seems like you are keeping yourself chained to despair out of this guilt, as you said. The way you're living now is painful but the guilt would get even worse if you let yourself move on. If you feel dead too, that is a way of feeling less guilty. So I think your mind feels it is the better option. It is survivor guilt. And platitudes like "Would your father want you to suffer?" don't exactly help.

 

[Sarahberrycakes]

In terms of therapy, we find comfort in what we know best; therefore we stay in our "comfort zone".

I don't know about your relationship with your father, so I can't speak on that. I can tell you, though, with my mother, it was always turmoil. I was abused, neglected and encouraged to do make poor choices. I grew up doing whatever I could to try and gain her love. When she got sick, I figured that was my chance. I only realize now that's what I was doing. I bathed her, cooked for her, sat with her, shopped for her whatever she needed or wanted, I did. The one thing I didn't do was ask questions. Why did you hit me? Why did you yell at me? Why did you give me away? Why did you let other people hurt me? Why did you hate me?

So......the comfort zone. I kept myself there giving her everything she needed and wanted at my own risk. Still to this day, my comfort zone, dead with her, buried, no answers, no feelings, waiting for someone to dig me up.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

 

[Thinkingman85]

My relationship with my father was ok. He did not abuse or neglect me. However, he would try to make me feel bad. He would say, "Yeah, I'm a bad father." I knew that it was a guilt trip to try to make me feel bad about myself. When he passed, I felt like it was my fault. It took years to eat me up, but it finally did. I went from getting a 4.0 in college to barely even leaving my apartment. Sarahberrycakes, the reason we feel dead might be because the people that brought us into this world didn't live up to our expectations. And, naturally, we want to be like our parents. So, we don't have a solid feeling of confidence in ourselves.

Life_in_the_Mist, how can you get over survivor guilt? I'm only 27. I don't want to live a bad life just because I was let down by so many people. An internal locus of control is something I have to take back.