This most recent holiday season was the second consecutive year that I was blessed with an abundance of gifts, love and food. A large portion of my life has been endured under what could be described as somewhat minimalist conditions, particularly in the material/physical realm.
I have grown accustomed to not having very much, but it's also a matter of perspective. The spiritual richness of my life over the last 18 months has increased dramatically with sensations experienced in my solar plexus of immense magnitude. Primarily I feel more and more compassion.
However, for some reason that I cannot quite put my finger on, being showered with loving gestures has been quite overwhelming. It may be because my internal critic dominates my mind to the point of not feeling entitled to such things. I am still learning how dominant the critic really is and have come to understand that it's a FULL TIME JOB. My susceptibility to critic initiated flashbacks has increased since Christmas time until today.
I have received the message from multiple sources that I am loved which is contradictory to what the critic tells me, thus leaving me in conscientious mind frames of immense self hatred and sensitivity to my interactions with other people. Doing something as simple and innocent as asking someone a question, particularly one that is of ANY assistance to myself, is deemed quite dangerous in my eyes and as soon as I ask the question I feel a type of discomfort that is so powerful that I contort my body in ways that, from an outsiders perspective, would look like there was something inside of me that is making a desperate attempt to escape my body.
I believe this is my inner child feeling so terrified because of flashing back to the punishment of adolescence due to asking questions. My therapist has strongly recommended that I give myself the freedom to enjoy what I've been given, rather than allow my critic to scrutinize at all costs.
The good news is is that through every single critic initiated flashback over the last month I have remained dedicated 9 out of 10 occasions to flashback management. I dedicate my time to assuring that little boy inside that I love him and that I understand his pain.
My critic also doesn't allow me any room to not like every single person I encounter, but I remind myself, and my inner child, that IT'S OKAY TO NOT LIKE EVERYONE!!! Pete Walker says so himself and he is the one person whom I trust the most when it comes to reparenting and flashback management.
I have finally begun to discover how truly liberating it is to unleash ferociously against a punching bag! What a relief! It's much better than what I used to do. My knuckles are cut sometimes when I do it but at least it's due to a much more productive outlet!
I am finally giving myself the freedom to truly vent and complain to my sponsor and my therapist about how unfair my parents really were to me. My therapist also recommended what's known as the empty chair technique which involves taking a picture of our abusers and putting it into an empty chair, or if a picture is unavailable, then to imagine that they are sitting there and just let loose about how their actions have affected us.
Honestly my internal critic is attacking me for this post, telling me that it's poorly constructed and too long. This is an ongoing war which within possesses battles that I continue to win more and more. I look forward to the next few years. I hope whomever reads this is at peace and has enjoyed the holiday season more than I have.
I have grown accustomed to not having very much, but it's also a matter of perspective. The spiritual richness of my life over the last 18 months has increased dramatically with sensations experienced in my solar plexus of immense magnitude. Primarily I feel more and more compassion.
However, for some reason that I cannot quite put my finger on, being showered with loving gestures has been quite overwhelming. It may be because my internal critic dominates my mind to the point of not feeling entitled to such things. I am still learning how dominant the critic really is and have come to understand that it's a FULL TIME JOB. My susceptibility to critic initiated flashbacks has increased since Christmas time until today.
I have received the message from multiple sources that I am loved which is contradictory to what the critic tells me, thus leaving me in conscientious mind frames of immense self hatred and sensitivity to my interactions with other people. Doing something as simple and innocent as asking someone a question, particularly one that is of ANY assistance to myself, is deemed quite dangerous in my eyes and as soon as I ask the question I feel a type of discomfort that is so powerful that I contort my body in ways that, from an outsiders perspective, would look like there was something inside of me that is making a desperate attempt to escape my body.
I believe this is my inner child feeling so terrified because of flashing back to the punishment of adolescence due to asking questions. My therapist has strongly recommended that I give myself the freedom to enjoy what I've been given, rather than allow my critic to scrutinize at all costs.
The good news is is that through every single critic initiated flashback over the last month I have remained dedicated 9 out of 10 occasions to flashback management. I dedicate my time to assuring that little boy inside that I love him and that I understand his pain.
My critic also doesn't allow me any room to not like every single person I encounter, but I remind myself, and my inner child, that IT'S OKAY TO NOT LIKE EVERYONE!!! Pete Walker says so himself and he is the one person whom I trust the most when it comes to reparenting and flashback management.
I have finally begun to discover how truly liberating it is to unleash ferociously against a punching bag! What a relief! It's much better than what I used to do. My knuckles are cut sometimes when I do it but at least it's due to a much more productive outlet!
I am finally giving myself the freedom to truly vent and complain to my sponsor and my therapist about how unfair my parents really were to me. My therapist also recommended what's known as the empty chair technique which involves taking a picture of our abusers and putting it into an empty chair, or if a picture is unavailable, then to imagine that they are sitting there and just let loose about how their actions have affected us.
Honestly my internal critic is attacking me for this post, telling me that it's poorly constructed and too long. This is an ongoing war which within possesses battles that I continue to win more and more. I look forward to the next few years. I hope whomever reads this is at peace and has enjoyed the holiday season more than I have.
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