Holy Snaffing Duck Shit! Girlfriend Is Being Raped!

[madjon]

i knew my girlfriend had some problems and i have had an honest chat with her in the past few days, i knew she was sort of seeing someone else but iwas cool with that till tonight,
she suddenly realised something when talking with me, that i am a genuine caring person who could never ever hurt her, and could see what was happening elsewhere in her life for what it was.
she told me more about the other chap she had been seeing apparently he has been in her life for a while down treading her and using her and raping her, and she could suddenly se me for the person i am a caring sensitive loving man and could see him for what he is a piece of shit.

she is a beautiful intellignet gorgeous attractive woman who i care deeply about and have often surprised her by being so nice, i wondered why im a nice bloke but compliments and being supportive are hardly special qualities in a relationship, she has helped unceaseingly and been kind gentle and supportive with me and she couldnt see till now why i liked her and cared for her and said and did nice things, i now know its because this bastard has been grinding her down making her feel bad using her and making her think it is to do with her, to say i want ed to do very very bad things to this person and coming from a trained interrogator i can make them last and feel it is an understatement!

she is honest with me now and she realises im not going anywhere and i will do all i can for her and support her and help her move on, and take time to allow her to move at her own pace and discuss things she wants to and me to be there and listen, i will be there for her and do all i can for her ,

the bitch of it is i now feel hurt for her and feel like doing some very very nasty things to someone, she doesnt want to go to the police because that would ruin her with family and community and everything else so i have hopefully arranged for her to be away from the area shortly and her to know i am there for her, but i am a strong person and care for her deeply, and i do not want her to think she is jurting me with this ot it is too much for me, i want her care about her and love her and want to support her, but this leaves me with no one to talk to about it, she has been repeatedly hurt and raped by this bastard, i was expecting to talk with her on wednesday but found out today oit was because he had been forcing himself on her and i want to honestly kill the bastard, but she has quite sensibly told me not to and has tied my hands on the matter and i will respect this, i have no bad feelings towards her, i love her care about her and want to support her, but im still left wioth killer instincts wanting to do very bad things to the person who hurt her, and that eats me up, so easy to cam up amnd the bastard would be knowing it was me , that is the what i have the problem with i know who they are and i want to hurt them, years of training and practice for nbo other reason than government politics so when it is personal it is a hard thing for me not to feel, i wont do anything becaus eshe has aked me not to but the darkness comes back, a sharp knife in the hand, a quick jerk in the back of their knee hand forward over their face pull back, and a hundred other things i feel towards them right now, this eating me right now and i had to say something, wanting to do it to make them sufffer to use what i know what i was trained for, to be unseen to be untraced, they have hurt someone i care about very much so deeply and repeatedly it hurts me, i love my girl a lot and cna be there for her when she makes the next steps in her life i can give the space and room she needs and alll the love and support i can, but right now i have the shakes and the feeling of that instinct rfrom the past is getting to me, im not going to do anything becsuse i respect her and what she has asked me, but it is still there and i have to deal with it without putting any pressure on her, ok then ive had a little rant, im a trained proffesional killer and i am angry and hurt by this other person and they have got me going now, memories from long ago are brough up by this for me, its a mess and i will be there for her, but who do i turn to, beer cigarettes and advice welcome at this point

 

[madjon]

sorry i have posted in anger, what has happened to the person i love and care about has stirred me up and i am now hurting at the thought of these bad things having happened to her, i have made it clear to her i love her care for her support her and will do all she wants to help with this, i realise i am angry that someone has hurt someone i care about so much, it doesnt help me that i am already a bit loose on the old sanity , i am letting her do what she needs and i am listening and supporting her, i dont want to put any pressure on her and want to help her as best i can and be as supportive as i can, i dont want to let her know how very upset i am that someone has hurt her so much, and that i am upset about it and it brings back bad memories and instincts from my past to protect her and to hurt the person who did it, i realise i can do nothing about it unless she wants to, and i feel bad stuff from this, my ptsd is combat related, and visions of doing very bad things and seeing very bad things haunt me, im getting a grip on it at the moment, but i need advice on this one, i am not the primary concern here i wont do anything silly and i am there for her, i feel hurt and angry towards the person who did this at the moment but i can get over that, but there will probably be things which come up in her life in the future i need to help her with and being honest i need some help as well, beyond being there for her supporting her letting her feel she is in control and listening and showing her i stillo care deeply for her what can i do , she wants to be in my life and i want to be in hers, im a bit of an odd screwball with bad memories, so i have some coping ways to help with , but i have not gone through what she has and it has been a long while from what she has told me, i need to help both myself deal with me and help her as much as i can, so advice would be good, and i apologise if my earlier post has caused any upset, i was angry and upset, i am still upset, but i am at least now sensible, what advice thoughts anyone,

 

[becvan]

Hi madjon.

You have already turned somewhere for help. Here, to us. That is a good beginning.

I'm not really sure what you need at the moment other than somewhere to vent and bounce off things.

I can tell you that the last thing you need to do is something against this bad person. If you get caught, not only will you be up shit creek without a paddle, but the additional stress will be too much for your loved one. I know that road as i just left a man who is in jail and the entire process was not fun. So.. no matter how much that urge hits (and it will hit a quite a few more times yet) do NOT do anything.

As for her, listen and be loving and supportive. Encourage her to get counselling of some form, ASAP. Remember, rape can cause PTSD and around 25% of rape victims end up with PTSD. We don't want her getting stuck with what we have.

I'm not sure what else to say but we are here for you and vent away!

bec

 

[madjon]

i have had a strange six hours since i finished speaking with her, i have been hurt and very angry and had old reactions come back, i have changed beyond recognition from what i used to be when i was younger, im not going to do anything because i know it would only lead to trouble and that is not what i want or what she wants, i went for a walk to get some baccy, and realised how i was walking i wasnt walking to a shop i was forward patrolling anybody had a pop and i would probably have taken em out, that is something i saw and it scared me again, i do not need to think about bad things i am capable of or could do to this person, i may feel bitterly angry towards then and curse them till they die but i wont do anything, in this thing for me first comes anger, i will move onto the real acceptance point soon, i know i can do nothing except love her care for her and be there for her, i cannot physically do anything ,which hurts, she became normalised to it and thats the scary bit, she only realised recently by me being loving attentive caring genuine and asking her what she wants that she realised that what was going on was wrong, if i hadnt chased after her when she bugged out on me and given her the care and attention she deserves she would probably not have realised what situation she was in, i think there will be problems in the future which she will go through, and all i can do is be there for her, i have lost my anger, but now i suddenly find myself being the person who must care, and be there for her and i want to be, today s its 4 am here will be hard day for her and i cant physically be there for her as shes working away, but we are due to talk on the phone, i think she has realised what has been wrong and what has been happening to her and that is something i worry about with her, because she will suddenly have it all with her to deal with, realisation of what has been happening, and that scares me because i want to be there for her and help her, and i think it may be hardest for her today when she wakes up and has realised what has been happening, and can see it for what it is, advice on how i can help and what i could expect would be good, i trust her and she trusts me and i can be there for her, i now want to find out what i could help her with and what i could expect, i dont want to hurt her and know she will go at her own pace, and i will listen and be there, but this is mostly unknown ground for me, all i could find was a couple of pages of basic stuff on the net about general stuff and supporting her and things which is what i have already done and will continue to do, but i want to help her and learning more about how i can help is something i have to do now,so any good advice would be helpful, she is a strong woman and i want to help her, i want to learn what i could expect and how i could help her, all i can do is be there for her and let her know i care that she is not to blame for anything that i still think she is a wonderful intelligent beautiful woman who i care about and listen to what she wants to say and let her go at her own pace and let her feel she is in control of her own life, a while back she said i was a bit scary because i didnt try changing her telling her what to do or anything like that! so it is good she realises im not that kind of person i want her to feel she is in control of her self and her own choices like i always have, and that im here for her, so any advice on what i can or could do would be good, my anger has gone and turned into a headache now, im not going to do anything about this guy because she doesnt want me to and because it would lead to trouble, im just here wondering what i can do what i should know to help her the best i can and wondering what the future holds for her and wanting to hold her and let her know im here

 

[madjon]

ok will add this bit
my love for her hasnt changed my feelings for her havent changed i still love her exactly the same, what has changed is i want to be able to help her and take away the pain but know i cant, i know i can do nothing but listen to her and what she wants and let her go at her own pace,
i told her my feelings havent changed that i still love her all of her i accept her , i am there for her i will let her go at her own pace and do what she needs , my feelings for her havent changed, that i still think she is the same beautiful intelligent attractive woman who i care about and would never hurt her, that i am here and when she wants to talk i will listen and she can tell me what she wants and needs and go at her own pace.

i want to learn about what we could face in the future,what she might have to go through, how i can help her and what i can do to help her. i care about her and want to do all i can for her,
beyond that i am powerless

 

[mac]

Hey Madjon,
IMO, you don't need a women like that in your life... at least not in the sense of a romantic relationship. I would suggest to limit your relationship with her to strictly one of friendship. And my insticts tell me that if you do anything towards the other man, or her, you will get caught and you will be much more worse off while sitting in jail... not so much because your in jail, but because of the eventual stark realization of how much you've been manipulated by her. I hope you will be able to fight through the self esteem and insecurity issues that PTSD seems to cause, and get yourself out of that unhealthy relationship. Good luck to you.

 

[madjon]

:naughty: ive been used and ive been abused in the past ive been low in the past, im not being used or in a bad relationship or anything bad ,i would have bugged out long ago if i thought i was being used or abused, im not, this is a genuine relationship and im going to stick with it, she is a very close person to me, no bad stuff with her at all, i cant control what has happened to her, and i know i cant hurt the person who did it to her, but i can stick with her and i can do all i can to help her, im not going anywhere, so no worries on that score, when someone close to me genuinely needs me i am there, and i will do all ican for them, theyre hurt and im here and i have to deal with it, it aint going to be easy or pretty at times and it will be hard but i think it is more than worth it, i gave up knowing people who were no good for me or not genuine a long time ago, after a year of my eyes wide open and being with her i have seen nothing bad,she has helped me endlessly, im not bugging out now she needs me,

 

[becvan]

Okay.. Mad.. I know you desperately want to help her..

However....

The only thing you can do is do what you are doing. We can not tell you what to expect. Each person reacts differently to this type of trauma. There is no magic formula to what she will or will not do or what she needs. No one on this board can say that. I've been throught multiple rapes.. and I reacted differently to each one. And that is just me. Each person is very different. All you can do is learn and be supportive. Part of learning will have to come directly from dealing with her. The other parts you can contact a rape centre and ask them questions, get phamplets, and get a recommended reading list.

I also would be edgy about this situation. My instict was the same as Mac's however, I'm the distrusting sort and don't know her or the entire situation as you do. So I will just have to trust in your judgment eh? (lol) I don't want to see you get hurt from this either so please please, remember to take care of yourself in all of this.

However, I'm rather amazed at your reaction. I don't know anyone who would react with such compassion to the situation. Not personally anyways. I think it's sweet and I respect you for it. Just my two cents as a victim myself.

Wish I could help you more, but I'm too messed up to even think of touching this deeper at the moment. Sorry.

bec

 

[madjon]

i have had time to think and be calm now, i know i can only do what i can do and be there for her, i know nothing is set in stone or anything about how she will be, as for me reacting with compassion and caring,its not a bad, thing, i know the future will probably be very difficult and many things to face, but i am here i am able to help someone i care about , ive been very careful letting her into my life, as i have been hurt many times, and i know she is not trying to use me, i have had the chance to spend a lot of time with her, and she has only told me because she trusts me enough to know, i have noticed things in her over the past year which i would have taken for other things, but they do fit the picture, and i can only say im tired and need some sleep now, what the future holds i cannot say but i can say i will hopefully have her in my future and i hope i can help her, i dont trust peole or let them into my life or let them get close without being very very sure and i can say that she is a genuine person i care about, now she is hurt and i will stay with it, im on the upcurve of my illness i have been for a few years now, i get bouts of badness but it is controlable and does not effect me too badly now, i have spent years facing demons, a few more arent going to kill me, i look at myself and how i react and how i am and how i have changed over the years, yes i have ptsd, yes it sucks but it is manageable , and i can cope with this , i may need to mutter a bit and make sure i check im not sliding off into bad places, but compared to all the demons of hades, i would rather face myself and my fears and be honest with myself and those i care about, i can deal with me, i can support her, but sometimes i may need to mutter a bit and have a bit of help myself, brutal honesty in myself hurts sometimes but is good for me, i know the future will have some hard things in it, but it will hopefully have some good things as well, and if i dont work through the hard bits in life i will never have known the good bits that have come along, shit happens deal with it, running awayd oes nothing, ignoring it does nothing, being honest does it lets us know where we stand and what can be done and we can move forward, inside i know where i must go and what i must do, and sometimes the past tries to screw that up but the past is not now nor is it the future, and im not letting it be an agent in my life, it pops its head up every now and then but that is expected, i may be a bit screwy at times but im honest when i can see it and people close know when its bothering me and help keep me back here in today, i may mutter and grumble and be annoyed and have the odd thing crop up, but i know myself and not being there for her would be worse than me doing anything else. i may have my trouble in the past but hers is now, if i need help i will ask, which is kinda what i was doing, ive had a bad night, but with the dawn and time to think and mutter and overcome my reactions and look at what was bothering me, i can see why i need to stay and help her, because i cant do otherwise and still be me, i will keep an eye on myself and get help when i need it, and i may well need it, but im not bugging out on someone i care about when they need me, how she will be i dont know but thats part of life, you have to take take the good and the bad together and make the best you can of it, not even sure what ive just said makes any sense, but , i know i care for her shes hurt and i will do what i can to help,

 

[madjon]

two things occured to me one is my honesty with myself and the other is the simple but very important idea of know thyself, this has made me angry because someone i care about has been hurt, and it has been a cycle of acceptance slotting something bad and big into my brain, anger someone i care about was hurt, helplessness that i could do nothing to protect her, questioning of self, and i have moved mostly into acceptance, shit really has happened, now anger or anything isnt suitable and i will do the best i can to support her, big things dropped like a bomb tend to make a bit of a bang and cause a bit of disruption, ive got off me arse swept up the broken glass and debris, patched the plasterwork and am now busy getting on with thinking about the future and what i can do for her,what the future holds i dont know but all i can do now is be there for her and do what i can, when i need help i will ask as i know how to, now i am sad that such things have happened, and want to hold her so very much and let her know i care.

 

[slhlilbit]

you dont want to do her any more harm, so just be there for her give her space when she needs it but not too much. if she starts to act like she is pushing you away do not take it personal. But whatever you do dont take vengance on yourself, that is what God is going to do for you and her.

 

[anthony]

Jon, I would actually have to congratulate you on your efforts of supporting what you believe is right for you, and what you feel is right, as that is whats important. I don't understand the whole thing with you seeing her, but she is seeing someone else... that side confuses me and if she is your girlfriend in sexual / relationship, and she is with another man... not quite sure what to say with that one, but if you mean friend who is a girl, who you care about and she is moving from a destructive relationship to someone like yourself that just cares about her, that is also good.

Its about what you feel, and I'm glad that you not running off and trying to solve her problems, because we both know that will only backfire. A women who "needs" a man to solve her problems is one that will become codependent upon you for constant support, basically the relationship will fail or become miserable at some point, but a woman who asks a man to help her solve it, that is vastly different again.

I think your approaching things and looking at this with a pretty damn level head, your rationalizing what you feel, and this is a classic example of how a person needs to be in order to manage PTSD and help themselves heal. I say well done mate for handling this so well.