Homework And Finals

[InsideAWord]

Dear Friends of the Forum:

I'm at the end of my semester since we don't receive a Fall Break. My semester ends this week.

I have a mountain of work to do and the more I think about it, the more anxious I feel. I'm starting to recognize my waves of euphoria that slowly trickle down into my depression. But, when the depression hits, I feel as though I didn't see it coming.

There is a fear of failure whenever I begin a task, which I don't understand because I know I'm very good at creating lesson plans and my studies. Do you get what I'm saying? So, initially there is this paranoia that I'm going to mess it up before I even get started. When I force myself to do it, there's this tiny voice while I'm typing that keeps saying, "Oh, I don't think that's very good" or "Maybe this is the wrong way to go about it." So, finally, by the time I give up, I think, "Why bother? It's going to be a failing grade."

And, it sucks because I know somewhere in the back of my mind that that's not true. I'm in the University Honors program, I get straight A's effortlessly, but everything is different now. I feel as though I've been transferred onto a different plane of existence where the rules have changed. Not only that, but my paranoia has been escalating out of control. For instance, my sister was at the table with me and she saw a police car drive by on the street. She shouted, "POLICE!"

Of course, I jumped up out of my seat and planted my face against the glass of the window to see the car. I couldn't see the car and kept asking her, "What?! What's happening?" She started laughing and said that she was just pointing out that a police car was driving by. Then, she asked why I would react like that. I told her, "The way you said it made it sound like they were storming the building!" So, I had to calm down after that and I was very angry with her. She knows I have PTSD but she must have forgotten that I don't like it when she makes jokes like that. I feel like it is very insensitive. So, that made my work very hard to even start after that.

I don't know, I guess I'm just posting this looking for ways to break this way of thinking.

 

[Dee Morris]

I do the same thing. When I'm writing a paper, I sometimes have difficulty articulating what's in my head. When I'm triggered, it makes it even harder to concentrate and I have to take a small break to clear my thoughts. I try to do something relaxing like take my dogs to the park or meditate in the bathtub while I listen to soothing music. Once I'm able to bring down my anxiety level, I can come back to the assignment with a clearer head.

I don't think it's funny to trigger a person like that. My ex husband used to deliberately trigger anxiety to gain control during disagreements. At least your sister's trigger happy activities are out of a lack of sensitivity & understanding of the re-traumatization that occurs when she does that. If you haven't already explained that to her then maybe it would help if you did. Although, for the longest time with my ex, I thought that he just didn't understand so I attempted to help him understand by taking him with me to a therapy appointment with me. That's when I realized that he knew what he was doing and was choosing to do it anyway. Hopefully, that's not the case with your sister.

 

[Dissociation]

InsideAWord, I perfectly relate to what you describe.

I think that what is happening to you is that you don't know who you are, you don't remember it and you can't experiment, in this moment, the enthusiasm for those subjects, that was the engine for your studies.

Jumping up for little things is perfectly normal when you have PTSD.

You need peace and you also need to remember the things that used to make you feel happy and active, alive, and coming back to do them.

This is the way that I followed.

Good luck with your studies!!

 

[InsideAWord]

Okay, so I got a good chunk of my homework done tonight. =]