Homework: What Is The Worst Thing He Could Say?

[WillowMarie]

I have a homework assignment from my therapist. I have to think of what the worst thing to hear my dad say to me. Most of my memories I know what is happening, or facts about the situation, but don't know what was said. My therapist thinks that if we talk about that, it might ease my fears or whatnot, maybe make it easier for things to come up.

Kind of like facing something scary. Some time last month, I was having intrusive daydreams of having flashbacks/being triggered at work and freaking out/crying/dissociating a lot. Especially if a customer would get in my space and was angry, maybe grab my arms or wrists, not letting me go. I finally decided to journal about this, the scenarios, what I felt, and positive journaling reminding myself I always had someone ask me if I was okay afterwards/comfort me, and that I always survived through it. Within 24 hours, I had two new memories pop up.

So I think that is her idea. Have me face/talk about what the worst would be, so maybe I won't feel as scared about what might come up. I know she says I seem to put a lot of meaning in words. I think she is thinking it is the meaning behind the words that I am blocking and not wanting to hear.

Has anyone else ever thought of this before? Or if you want to share what the worst thing you have heard said to you?

My first thought was, it is not what he said, but more of not responding. Maybe that is just an easy way out of the assignment... so I am still trying to think of things. I try to think of different things in my head and say a bunch of different phrases or what not, see what I react to. Maybe something like, you are worthless to me. I don't know, I've only spent like ten minutes doing this. I think I need to put aside a bit more time, and not right before I am trying to fall asleep at night..

 

[radicalgratitude]

The worst thing my dad ever said to me was: "No one would ever love you if they knew the real you."
At first I thought he was just raging mad, but then he said it a few more times when he was calmer.

I don't know what was more difficult...that he was indirectly telling me that he did not love me....or fearing that he was right. As it turns out, he was wrong, even if he doesn't love me.

 

[franciemarnie]

My dad said I was evil.

Ha!!

@radicalgratitude - I would like to say something about your dad for saying that but it is a highly offensive term. Consider it said.

 

[macca]

Have me face/talk about what the worst would be, so maybe I won't feel as scared about what might come up. I know she says I seem to put a lot of meaning in words. I think she is thinking it is the meaning behind the words that I am blocking and not wanting to hear.

This sounds like a good idea. I would struggle with it too, as my father would make nasty remarks all the time, but I barely remember any of them bar one or two. It was the contempt in his voice that I remember - if someone speaks to me with that tone conveying contempt - I'm triggered. As far as I can remember, it was always some kind of slur on my character. Like at 4 years old, he screamed at me that I vomited on purpose to "get back at" my mother for something - I didn't know what revenge even was, but he saw me as capable not only of revenge but of vomiting on cue.

 

[circe47]

For me the important thing is to focus more on how I felt and process those feelings, rather than what was said to me.

It's the context that needs to change. The only way to change context is avoid certain people and environments. If you can't avoid these people, make sure you have an exit strategy in place that get's you outta there pronto.

 

[WillowMarie]

As it turns out, he was wrong

I think it is great that you are able to say that and know it!

"No one would ever love you if they knew the real you."

Thank you for sharing. It makes me so angry that any parent would think that is okay to say to their child, or any child. I can only imagine what it must have been like to hear that when he was calm.

My dad said I was evil.

Thank you for sharing, too. This makes me angry, too, because there is no way a child can be evil.

This sounds like a good idea. I would struggle with it too, as my father would make nasty remarks all the time, but I barely remember any of them bar one or two. It was the contempt in his voice that I remember - if someone speaks to me with that tone conveying contempt - I'm triggered.

Thank you for sharing, as well. I can't imagine what he was thinking when he said that to you. You are right that at four years old, that it is silly he would think that.

I had to look up contempt and I am still confused by it. I was trying to figure out if my dad would fit under that description or not. I can totally relate to getting triggered because of a tone of voice though. Just happened yesterday at work... again...:yuck:

For me the important thing is to focus more on how I felt and process those feelings, rather than what was said to me.

I agree with the feelings and processing. It is just really hard for me to get at those emotions right now. I did tell her when she asked at the end of the appointment what things I want to work on that we haven't hit on yet/need more work, I did tell her the whole feeling thing because I still feel constipated. (Although, I didn't use those words, LOL!) Or when feelings actual come up, I just try to bury or push them away.

Maybe this is also her way to trying to get at the emotions and stuff behind what would be the worst thing said.

 

[franciemarnie]

@macca - I remember the contempt, almost like he was spitting.

 

[macca]

@WillowMarie I've always thought of contempt as being a mix of disgust and anger. I looked up the dictionary and it said to regard something as "vile" and "worthless" and "beneath one's dignity" - that seems to add to how I feel about the word too. Like @franciemarnie said - it's as if he was spitting at me.