Homicidal

[anthony]

Thank you? I suppose I don't think about it that way. Acknowledging problems and changing myself is easier said than done. Especially when I've thought this way for years. I'm not sure it can be changed.

Every single behaviour can be changed, that is actually scientifically factual, empirically proven. The one thing that human beings control, is our behaviour. There have been decades of study where thoughts of genetics, environment, family, etc, shaped our behaviour as a constant. Well... whilst our behaviour is influenced by both family and environment, we actually make constant choices to accept or change a behaviour, thus we evolve constantly in our personality.

Behaviour is the one thing I can state without doubt, beyond theoretical application, you have full control over and can change any behaviour you do not like.

Yes, it does take time, and you do need to work on one thing at a time normally as your primary focus. Thus you pick your worst behaviour, then you come up with a list of positive behaviours, then begin implementing them in your life, changing a negative to positive behaviour. Typically, emotions also then change from negative to positive.

 

[Whitneys story]

Having a neighbor that is a Vietnam Vet, getting treatment; we were having a casual conversation one day. He was explaining his symptoms. Out of nowhere I said have you ever been able to forgive yourself for what you had to do, you have no choice when serving! My friend gave me the weirdest look and said no one has ever even mentioned this aspect. My father was Navy WWII and it destroyed him. It was no reason for him to take it out on us. Just my opinion!

 

[scaldedsheep]

I never said it was an excuse to take it out on someone who didn't do anything. Besides helpless animals, yes I was a horrible kid for doing that, and those boys who I didn't want to do anything to, everyone I ever attacked either kept picking at me for months and months or outright threatened my life. I do not have kids nor do I ever plan on having kids because I know I am too messed up in the head to have them. I don't even have a boyfriend. I can't deal with that stress.

What I did as a pre-teen and young teen is pretty terrible. I don't make excuses for it. No matter what was happening to me I had no right to take an animal's life. I had no right to violate another human being whether I was threatened or not. This is a horror I will have for the rest of my life. I have never killed anyone but some of the people I'm closest to have. I have these feelings from time to time. They frighten me because deep down somewhere I'm still human. I don't know how, but I am. I know taking a life proves nothing. I know hurting someone beyond recognition is pointless and vile. Homicidal feelings are feelings. That's all.

I would never be the type of person to attempt to marry, have children, or a relationship, and end up taking my anger and guilt out on them. That's completely selfish. That's my childhood right there! How stupid it would be to put someone else through it.

I was really just trying to see if anyone else felt this way and if it was normal to have it with PTSD. You're right though I could train myself to stop having those thoughts. Lack of agressiveness and paranoia leads to atrophy which will lead to me being attacked somehow, at least that's my thought process. Maybe that's a little extreme. It really comes down to mindfullness and that is half of my problem.