Honouring The Progress You Have Made

[maddog]

Wow, these are all really good, things I would never have even thought of, such as the fact that not doing certain things is often just as big an achievement as doing other things.

FlyingSolo, as Piratelady pointed out, I meant that you try to come up with them without an external supporter's input, which you've done anyway - sorry for the confusion.

Was interested in what Hashi said about having difficulty with goal setting. I very much understand this, and also believe that it's not uncommon and part of the reason why the challenge was framed in terms of an issue to work on, rather than a specific goal to achieve. And this is consistent with Hashi's list of things to tick off every time she addresses them - i love this way of doing it, it allows you to map progress without setting milestones and imposing pressure to achieve. Think I'll adopt this one too, which I have somewhat tried to do in terms of working on my return to work plan and breaking it down into elements that need to be addressed as part of the process.

Really enjoying this thread.

Maddog

 

[shell]

The last month has probably been one of my hardest since I started therapy.

1. I took control of my drinking, which was getting to be a problem, I now drink no more than 2 drinks, and have more alcohol free days each week.

2. I pushed through my fear. Every time I was having flashbacks i was dissociating, but I have managed to stop panicking and have been able to get more understanding of the fragments I'm having, as they were getting worse because I wouldn't face them.

3. Stopped isolating as much, and have been participating in more family outings and I am exercising again.

I realized that I need to have time outside of dealing with my past, that getting out gives me relief from obsessing on the past, even if it's only half an hour.

Twenty years ago I chose a new family and a new life, it's time I acknowledged that the old family may be in my head, but they aren't in my life now. I need to be there for my family more than I have been. It appears there are no short term solutions to my problems.

For the last month I have refused to take their phone calls.

In essence I guess I could say I got my act together, faced the truth that chances are I'm going to be like this for at least another few years, because when I first started getting all the memories back I thought I knew my past.

Accepting that I knew nothing about my past has been my biggest challenge, it destroyed every illusion I had about myself. In the last month I've had to face that my life was worse than I thought, and that someone who I loved very much, betrayed me in more ways than I was willing to recognize.

 

[Red Feather]

This is really hard for me to write. So I am only going to write this and nothing more.

I was having a lot of suicide ideation when I fell into crisis. It all started in February. I was hospitalized at the beginning of march. I had given up. I said ** it. ** the affirmations. ** the self help. ** trying to make things work, because they just werent. Everything fell apart. I had to leave school. I had to apply for welfare. I got diagnosed for PTSD. I knew I couldn't commit suicide, because I have two beautiful children. But I wanted to. I desperately wanted to. I wanted to escape life. I replaced my death wish with the wish to go to the hospital again. I imagined how the doctors would find me on the streets in my insane frenziness, and lock me up again in the psychiatry - forever spoon-fed and medicated.

Once I even dissociated so bad I ended up in my doctor's office hyperventilating and in severe panic. I think it was partly my dissociated self that wanted run away again. Just run away. I am glad he didn't send me to the psychiatry, but he was thinking about it.

Since the end of march I have been on this site. And I am slowly turning towards facing this reality. It's really scary and it is hard for me to say this. But that's all I want to congratulate myself for.

I am really scared of sharing this. It makes me think like I am going to be attacked or something. All I am saying is that the part of me that wants to live is now a bit stronger than the part of me that wants to die. That's all. :eek:

 

[Hashi]

Nadia, what you wrote is so moving. That's an amazing achievement.

Proud of you.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

(((((((Nadia))))))

Thanks so much for sharing that, from the bottom of my heart empathize for what you were going through.

You've come along way in the past month. You're doing really good! :tup: I'm happy you are here, and I'm happy that I have a chance to know you.

 

[Red Feather]

(((hugs)))
A part of me wants to delete it... Geez. I still could edit the post. But I won't.

Take care everybody. Thanks a whole for being there.

 

[maddog]

Oh Nadia, so so glad you didn't edit or delete the post. It was wonderful, the greatest achievement of all is to choose life, don't ever stop believing that.

Maddog

 

[intothelight]

Maddog, this is a great idea and thank you for sharing this.

Achievements

1. I renewed my membership at the Y
2. I finished my first round of chemo
3. I made payment arrangements for the majority of my medical bills

Personal Growth

1. I have cut my caffine use by 75%
2. I am drinking eight 8 oz glasses of water a day
3. I am not smoking and continue to reduce the nicotine level of my e-cig every two weeks

Goal

Make self-care a priority and not an afterthought, so that I don't put off what I need to really be focusing on.

 

[Heather]

I am back at the gym 6 days a week. I do 60 minutes of cardio. Although, I should probaby do 2-3hrs 'cause I'm still so agitated. Good news I'm down almost 10lbs:tup:.

I've distanced myself from my mother (which was very necessary). I really hate that b*tch.

Starting back in therapy. Have appointment on Friday this time with a woman, see how it goes.

 

[shell]

A new month, and for me an important accomplishment.

I sent the letter today, to inform my parents that I don't want any further contact with them, and how their abuse has affected me, and that I refuse to accept that I was responsible for their actions. I was going to do it for a short time, to see if I was okay with it, but I finally got my shit together, and told them the truth, our relationship is over forever.

Our relationship is over. I have said good bye. If I accomplish nothing else this month, it will still be a good month. I thought I would be a mess, but I'm not, maybe that will hit me later.

Today was an extremely important day in my life, I am no longer under the influence of my abusers, I know I have finally done what was best for me.

 

[AngelaMarie]

1. I am exercising.

2. I am eating better. I have cut out all caffeine, sweets, and drinks with sugar. Increased fruit and vegetables.

3. I am positive for the first time in years.

4. I am no longer isolating and am learning to share more of who I am.

5. I have started getting medical care again for the first time in 2 years.

6. I have my alcohol intake under control.

 

[woundedsoul]

Absolutely love your idea regarding honoring progress...no matter how small!