Childhood I'm Afraid I Have Made It All Up

[RussH]

@Abigail, a few things to think about:
1. right now trying to prove or disprove these memories is not as important as dealing with their affect on you.
2. Some of these memories you question may be foggy because you are just now getting to the place where you can deal with them, and as you start dealing with them they start coming more fully into focus. It is our minds way of protecting us.

I am sorry for all you have been through, but I am glad you have joined the fourm, and you are looking for answers.

 

[Abigail]

@RussH Thank you, my mind often runs at a million miles per hour thinking about things, your 'few things to think about' helped me slow it down and think about a couple of things at a time. Thank you so much for your warm welcome and support.

 

[RussH]

@Abigail do you prefer abigail, or is abby ok? Anyway you are among friends here.
Don't be afraid to ask questions.

I am glad my two things helped.

 

[Abigail]

@RussH I go by both equally, but I do spell it Abi. Thank you, I have definitely stumbled into one of the most comfortable forums I have ever joined. I am so thankful for you all.

 

[RussH]

Abi it is.
Also you don't have to apologize if you are not sure whether you are posting in the right place or not; if we moderators think your post would be better suited in another forum we will move it, and let you know. So, don't be afraid of posting.

 

[Abigail]

Thank you. I'm learning each day that I don't have to apologise for , in advance or after, making a mistake. Most of my anxiety with posting is making sure I used the right words to convey my thoughts the right way.

 

[ghotiff]

Welcome Abi

I suffered CSA (childhood sexual assault) outside the home, so our stories are quite different but I thought my experience might help you. FYI, I'm 40ish with kids.

I always knew about the CSA and while just recently have recovered some more details, I've always known. When I started therapy (about a year ago) I went through a stage of doubting myself and my memories. It was really weird. Logically I knew it happened and I had childhood diaries to confirm and my sibling remembers the police getting involved for the first abuser....but I still had such significant doubts etc.

For me I think part of my doubting it happened came from all the minimizing I experienced from others. I still get minimized if I discuss anything and have re learnt to not talk about it other than here and with my T.

It can be a long process to accept the depths of what happened so please be gentle and patient with yourself and post here for our support.

 

[littlelostchild]

My memories are in fragments and foggy bits and I struggled with the truth of them as well. But they are true, I have enough other evidence.

@Abigail exactly what benefit would you gain by making these memories up? None of us want this to be our life experiences. Growing up in abusive environments or having experienced abusive episodes changes us forever.

I have put my soap box away.

 

[Abigail]

Thank you so much. I definitely have had a lot of minimising going on in my life that I'm going to have to work through. My dad, for the longest time, wouldn't believe me (he was never around and I can't remember her ever hurting me during a rare time he was present). Once she was after me and chased me out of the house and I was frantically calling my dad, wanting him to do something and he casually said "well, you must have done something to deserve it."

You're definitely right, @littlelostchild, that I would have nothing to gain form making these memories up. I guess I've got to repeat to myself that the feelings I'm experiencing now are what's important and are proof enough that stuff was seriously not right in the past, whether or not I can remember it all.

You have all given me such a great comfort. Thank you so much

 

[Disquieted]

I just shared parts of what happened to me many, many years ago. I found myself fearing I would get in trouble. I feel like a liar. As if I am making it all up. I feel so stupid that so many things happened to me and I never told--what kind of kid doesn't tell, actually what kind of adult still can't tell...ughh I very much understand what you are feeling. It must be part of the ptsd. Take care and know that another person believes you.

 

[RussH]

what kind of kid doesn't tell

@BeMindful a normal child. Most children do not tell for a variety of reasons: The abuser tells them not to, they fell like they have done something wrong and will get into trouble, they don't know how to tell someone, or who to tell.
Please do not blame yourself for not telling; it is what most normal kids do.
As far as not being able to talk about it now; talking about past abuse is really difficult. It takes time, and many times we can only talk about it in stages, so give yourself some time.

None of this is your fault, so don't blame yourself for what happened; blame the guilty one, the abuser.

 

[Friday]

My son is going through exactly that, right now. I can see him doing what he has to do in order to love his dad. IE it's either all a lie, and his dad is the most amazing thing in the world & loves him & would never hurt him... Or it's all his fault, and overblown, and exaggerated, and "in the past" / doesn't happen.

He's doing what he has to do to survive living with his father.
He's doing what he has to do to reconcile super-charming with super-evil
He's doing what he has to do to reconcile how other people see his dad (rock star) with who he knows he is.

Hot&Cold is hard to grok.

It's what suckers most abused spouses into stayin with their abuser (because most people have the idea abusers are MarvelComics Villains 24/7, not amazing & awful blended together.

And it's hard hard hard for kids. Part of what makes them not trust anyone (because good times are just waiting for bad times, so hurry up already with the bad times, so we know how awful it's going to be).